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Old 04-02-2011, 03:09 AM
esarati300 esarati300 is offline
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Question about fairness

here is the deal. i let my wife go out with this guy and i have no partner. is that fair at all? makes me kinda jealous that i don't have a partner. when she go see him she go to his house. i mean what am i getting out of this? plus i get lonely when she leaves. she is only thinking of herself and not me. am i going crazy? i have met this guy and he is really down to earth. should me and the guy talk more to each other? i mean he is going out with my wife. i feel left out of the group. any help would be nice.
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Old 04-02-2011, 03:59 AM
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Originally Posted by esarati300 View Post
here is the deal. i let my wife go out with this guy and i have no partner. is that fair at all? makes me kinda jealous that i don't have a partner. when she go see him she go to his house. i mean what am i getting out of this? plus i get lonely when she leaves. she is only thinking of herself and not me. am i going crazy? i have met this guy and he is really down to earth. should me and the guy talk more to each other? i mean he is going out with my wife. i feel left out of the group. any help would be nice.
Do you want other partners and can't find them?

If you've opened up your relationship than things won't happen at the same time for both of you. Accept that. If this is a one sided thing and you agreed to it, you made your own bed. If you didn't want it and aren't ok with it then yeah..I guess it would be unfair...

More details please
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Old 04-02-2011, 05:17 AM
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you aren't going crazy, this is a common occurrence you are going through. Have a look at some threads on jealousy. You can find them by doing a tag search. Its all very normal and takes time to adjust to. It takes work to work out what you are going to do when she is out, find what boundaries you have on time with her and to work on a metamour relationship with him. Yes, I would get to know him better. It can only help.
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Old 04-02-2011, 06:47 AM
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I know one couple where the woman has been seeing people for a few years, and the man just started looking for dates recently. It seems to be somewhat stressful for him. What he HAS gotten out of this is an increase in her libido, from what I understand, which has been enough for him to not be out there looking until now.
If you are not happy with what is going on, renegotiate, if what you want is to be seeing others, SEEK them out. If you enjoy the company of the man she is seeing, that is great, I have never really heard badly about getting to know the people your partners are dating if you like them, and it can probably lead to much more comfort overall, and in the best case scenario, to great friendships.
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Old 04-02-2011, 07:32 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I think you should tell your wife about feeling excluded, and see if she can include you more. You could have dates with the three of you, or bonding time with her boyfriend, or have her keep you informed of things, whatever makes you feel less left out.

About fairness, well it's kind of a hard question. I don't think fairness is the same as parity. I mean that I don't think you should always have partners at the same time.
Let me explain: if you push it to its logical conclusion, if one of you breaks up with their partner, then the other one has to as well, even if the relationship is going great, even if there is love, etc. That would, in my opinion, not make it fair at all, even though it's about parity. It wouldn't be fair to the two people whose relationship is working, and it would be extremely unfair to the other partner who had nothing to do with any breakup.

This is similar. If she really likes this guy and he likes her, is she obligated to wait until you find someone too? That doesn't seem fair to him and her. It's too bad that you're not finding partners, and it's notoriously harder for males to find females than the other way around, so I sympathise, but I don't think putting her relationships on hold indefinitely is the way to go. I think it has the potential to damage your relationship with your wife, as she would grow to resent you more and more for not allowing her to be with someone she likes "just because YOU can't find someone".

You can however ask her to be understanding of the fact that you don't have another partner, and feel lonely when she's gone, for instance. I think you should definitely find things to do when you miss her (hang out with friends, indulge in a hobby she doesn't share, etc). You can probably find advantages to that time away from her to do things you want to do but don't when she's around for whatever reason.

Make sure she knows how you feel. It's very important, since otherwise you might be more and more upset with her as time goes by and she'll have no idea why.
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Old 04-02-2011, 09:31 PM
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Indigomontoya Indigomontoya is offline
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I can definitely sympathize with you, my wife has a boyfriend and I've yet to have another partner; I understand the frustration it can bring, but as you will read (depending on a lot of variables) it is harder for men to find willing poly partners (that is, women who can share you emotionally).

I was jealous of my wife, and sometimes still am a little bit, because she has found multiple men willing to participate on an emotional level in a poly relationship. That being said jealousy is a secondary emotion, it is never caused by an event but rather caused by an emotional reaction to an event....you're wife has a partner, goes out, you feel scared she might leave (a common example) or you feel lonely and upset you're not going out (another example) so your reaction is to feel insecure and that leads to jealousy....So when you feel jealous, don't accept that your wife having a partner or going out is the cause of it, rather that it's your own mins creating the jealousy from insecurity or what have you...

More details are needed but what's keeping you from finding another partner? You cannot expect the clouds to open up and women willing to be in poly to fall from the sky...there's a scenario I faced called valley of the dolls and it basically boils down to opening a relationship up and then expecting a flood of available partners for you; it's not going to happen and like me you will need to accept that relationships progress along different timelines as do searches for partners...I also found meeting my wife's boyfriend to be particularly helpful and I developed a friendship with him that actually is independent of my wife...we're nerds, we talk nerd to each other...

What's stopping you from going out on your own? When my wife went out with her boyfriend the first few times I was anxious, jealous and lonely...because I isolated myself. Eventually I just filled my time with friends, the gym, anything I liked and that helped alleviate the loneliness (bear in mind, my wife will tell you, I'm an extrovert who can and will chat with anyone)

As for the question of fairness, have you discussed these feelings with your wife? Have you set guidelines? As a good rule, and if your wife isn't totally disregarding your feelings, her time and her relationship are in part subject to how comfortable you are, within reason. Guidelines for time spent together, how quickly her relationship progresses, etc need to be set but to be honest there are limits that you need to realize that you need to allow her relationship to grow naturally but not at the cost of your own well being.
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Old 04-03-2011, 10:14 AM
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Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
About fairness, well it's kind of a hard question. I don't think fairness is the same as parity. I mean that I don't think you should always have partners at the same time.
Let me explain: if you push it to its logical conclusion, if one of you breaks up with their partner, then the other one has to as well, even if the relationship is going great, even if there is love, etc. That would, in my opinion, not make it fair at all, even though it's about parity. It wouldn't be fair to the two people whose relationship is working, and it would be extremely unfair to the other partner who had nothing to do with any breakup.
Yep yep, parity reflects more what I understand to be the swinger mentality. You can't force neither love nor connections.

If you are a male and are looking for female sexual partners, a few house rules will almost guarantee success;
1) Take a shower. Clip you nails. Wash your teeth.
2) Take a look at your manners. Are you a chauvinistic pig? See point three.
3) Try to curb that open resentment you feel towards women who are not sleeping with you. It does show.
4) Still no success? Consider lowering your standards. We can't all be banging Angelina Jolie, after all. She needs sleep, too.

I personally don't believe finding sex partners is THAT much more difficult for men that it is for women, whereas finding LOVE is difficult, period. However, if you want to get out to the dating scene, try one of these tricks;
1) Be interested. Cultivate a hobby, a past time, a passion. People who are interested are interesting.
2) Open yourself to love. It does show.
3) Be patient. The universe seems to work in a way that when you really really want someone in your life like NOW, nobody's out there. And when you are happy and content and fulfilled they start coming from every direction. Literally, you can't take a walk through a bar without being hit on two or three times.
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Old 04-05-2011, 03:19 PM
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This is esarati's wife. Figured it was time to jump in and bring it back to the question he actually had.

The problem isn't that he's having trouble finding another partner of his own. It's simply that he feels left out. I am aware of this, and I'm doing everything I can think of to minimize that feeling, but we're both very new to this sort of thing. I made a point to have them meet each other, I keep him as informed as he's comfortable with, I make suggestions for him on how to fill his time while I'm away, and we've talked countless times about the situation, how he feels about it, and what I can do to help him adjust. I'm actually the one that directed him here, in the hopes that you would say exactly what you did, that being fair and being equal are two very different things.

I talked with him at great lengths before I began to pursue this, and truthfully I never would have allowed anything to develop between the other man and I had my husband not given his okay. Once he realized that it wasn't just a one night fling, though, he backtracked, telling me it wasn't fair for me to leave him alone to spend time with this man, even as minimally as I am (I've only seen him once a week since this started). I told esarati I was okay with him trying to find another partner too, but he just tells me I would be too jealous if he did. I admit I do feel a little jealous when he spends time away from me, but not once have I let that stop him from doing so. I encourage it. I think it's healthy to have lives outside of each other, friends and interests and activities that aren't always shared between us. He thinks these are just justifications to get what I want.

Is there anything I'm not doing, or missteps I'm making here that I can correct? I really don't want this to distance him from me.
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Old 04-05-2011, 03:43 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by esarati300 View Post
am i going crazy? any help would be nice.
Hi esarati,
I don't have much to add except, I'm dealing with the same jealousy issues. My situation is a little different, but that ugly green monster does have the power to make anyone feel crazy!

Work thru it, keep posting here, these guys are great!

Best of luck. Maybe we can chat about it?
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