Mono - how to cope with hurt/jealousy etc?

[Midnight]

Hi guys
I joined this group cos I got a question I think you people are probably best equipped to answer.

I've been with my husband 'X' nearly 30 years. He had affairs/romantic liaisons from the beginning (mostly non-sexual - they'd sleep in the same bed, kiss, but not have sex). I couldn't understand it, cos i only wanted him. I always felt threatened/hurt/broken hearted about it, but never left..... X tried to be 'faithful' but I always suspected and was scared of his attraction to other women. It was a bit of a taboo area we didn't go to, and that affected our relationship - our intimacy. I always suspected there might be stuff happening that would be too painful for me to know about so didn't ask. Horrible.

Couple of years ago, X 'confessed' he'd 'fallen for' a student - 20 years younger. She'd fallen for him. No sexual relationship - purely romantic friendship. I felt totally heart-broken, that he's actually 'fallen' big time for someone else - but somehow broken open by it too. He tried to end it with her. She said she just wanted friendship and pleaded for that to continue. They persuaded me to give it a try. I had this glimmer of a sense there might be something in this for me (personal growth - facing my fear...) and agreed. I met her a few times. One evening, he got home after seeing her - and he was on a high. This didn't feel like a friendship. Felt like a love affair. It felt too painful for me and in the Mono world we were both living in, it felt unfair on me. With a lot of support from friends, I asked him to choose between us. He chose me, but found it really difficult to end it with her, although finally did. To cut a long story short, it turned out they'd both been lying to me. Having regular (almost daily email) contact, when I thought it had been just occasional. Even to the point where my husband created false emails for my benefit. Mind blowing.

This whole thing opened up my relationship with X - to a new kind of honesty. I saw all the emails. We faced up to each other in a new way, and made a commitment to honesty.

Two years down the line, he's hardly had any contact with her, but he's still missing her, and says what he wants is a special friendship with her. She's made various attempts to contact him. He's felt really pulled. I now feel I can't fight this thing anymore. I gotta face it - for good or ill. I'm almost ready to give him the go ahead to see what she's up for. (He knows he doesn't want to lose me, so she'll have to be willing to support our marriage, and not try to wreck it (which is what he feels she tried to do before)).

But can anyone advise me about how to cope with my own jealousy and hurt. I have no interest (at the moment anyway) in falling in love with anyone else. I can't help feeling hurt and jealous, him being able to indulge in a love affair with someone else, when I can't (cos I don't want to!) I don't doubt his love for me. Never have really. He's very clear about it. Actually - truth is he seems to love me more than I him , cos I've become a bit bitter and twisted over the years cos of all this jealousy stuff....

Any advice out there???