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Old 03-30-2011, 02:01 AM
lookatmues lookatmues is offline
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Default This is ALL very new to me...

This is all very new to me, but Iíll give it my best shot. I guess this will also serve as my introduction. Excuse me if itís a bit scatterbrained. I tend to ramble.

I met my girlfriend, PolyNrrdGrrl, on an online dating site over a month ago and developed a crush on her almost instantly. Having just come off a not-so-satisfying relationship, I had every intention on taking things slower than usual. That didnít work out too well as I was telling her I loved her only a couple weeks later.

I donít remember exactly when she told me she was polyamorous, and I donít remember exactly how I reacted. After hearing more and more about it, I honestly got more and more worried. She had let me know that we were her primary relationship and that she had a girlfriend as well. That sat with me fine. I met her girlfriend and we got along great. However, thinking about her loving other guys was and still pretty much is, kind of upsetting. Still, since then, Iíve started to come to terms with the whole thing. It takes a lot of time, but I eventually warm up to the idea. The only things that worry me are how her other relationships will effect ours, how often we see eachother, or how she feels about me. I know itís stupid, but after my last relationship, I get paranoid very easy and am very afraid of losing her.

She seems to change her mind on what she wants or how she feels about certain aspects, such as the ďprimary relationshipĒ issue, which makes it hard to keep up at times, but I still love her very much and I donít want to quit on us. Itís all very new and strange right now, but I want nothing more than to grow to accept her for every aspect of her life, even those that scare me at first. Sheís totally worth it.

Iím open to any advice or questions you may have. Thanks!
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Old 03-30-2011, 02:06 AM
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FlameKat FlameKat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lookatmues View Post

She seems to change her mind on what she wants or how she feels about certain aspects, such as the ďprimary relationshipĒ issue, which makes it hard to keep up at times, but I still love her very much and I donít want to quit on us. Itís all very new and strange right now, but I want nothing more than to grow to accept her for every aspect of her life, even those that scare me at first. Sheís totally worth it.

Iím open to any advice or questions you may have. Thanks!
Maybe leave the label aside for now? not question whether you are primary or not and ask her to drop the label too?

Focus instead on the quality of your relationship and how you feel while together...

while apart it is your part of things to trust her and work on your own issues...
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Old 03-30-2011, 02:53 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I agree with dropping the labels. Honestly, it seems more people here get all screwed up and wacky about where they fall within some arbitrary hierarchical structure - primary, secondary, etc. None of that means anything, it's how you treat each other that counts. I read PolyNrrdgrrl's introduction and she is questioning that hierarchical viewpoint now, which I think is good.

As for "how her other relationships will effect ours, how often we see each other, or how she feels about me," those are things you need to discuss with her and see if there are any boundaries you might ask for. She doesn't have to be the only one setting the parameters. And you are worrying about things that aren't happening yet. Take one step at a time. All you two need to do is keep communicating and handle each stage of the relationship as it comes along. Stop projecting into the future, which could be radically different than anything you imagine. Besides, we always tend to imagine the worst-case scenario. The future could be great, too, you know!
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Old 03-30-2011, 02:59 PM
PolyNrrdGrrl PolyNrrdGrrl is offline
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Maybe it's inappropriate for me to comment on this, but I agree with the responses you have gotten so far. As I've told you, I don't feel we can control who we are in a relationship with and it is very restricting to try to label one or all of them. Look at my relationship with C - we've never questioned where we stand in each other's lives. Our love has always just been a fluid partnership and whenever one of us has something or someone else "come up", we treat each other with respect and support. I love that about us. When she met you the first time, her comment to me was "Loving you makes me WANT to love other people."


I also agree with nycindie saying that I shouldn't be the only one setting parameters - which obviously I am not, but I do feel as if I am the more aggressive out of us. I think I am just stuck in the struggle between being sensitive to your needs (and other peoples' needs as well) and being sensitive to my own. We will figure out what works for us.
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Old 03-30-2011, 07:13 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Welcome, to both of you. LAM, if I might suggest, take a look at Freetime's thread. He has been doing a lot of growing with his wife's exploration of poly.
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  #6  
Old 04-01-2011, 09:24 AM
Gargantuan Gargantuan is offline
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Dude, why get so bent our of shape just a month in. Relationship? It's still new. Slow way down, is way early to be all "I love you" to someone. That how I view it anyways. I take a few months at leats to say those 3 words, gotta be careful. But good to read people willing to ask questions to get out of tying yourself up in knots. Kep at it!
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Old 04-02-2011, 02:20 PM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lookatmues View Post
After hearing more and more about it, I honestly got more and more worried.

She seems to change her mind on what she wants or how she feels about certain aspects

The first part seems pretty normal, as many of the guys on here go through the same thing.

As for the second part, that's hard on me too, since every time I turn around, something that Jen said at one time has changed. What she wanted initially isn't really all that close to what she wants now...
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  #8  
Old 04-03-2011, 07:32 PM
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LusciousPride LusciousPride is offline
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I need to say something here: This is about close bonds and trust. Perspectives are always highlighted in the passions, and make it harder to see the issues. You speak to wanting to be in love with PNG, and I believe this is truly a hard change to look into. You love her, so trust her with your heart. trust that she will work for the best interest in you and your relationship. It seems to me that some insecurity stems from a lack of knowledge regarding poly couples. There is no hard and fast rule for dealing with the posessive and jealous feelings that come up. They happen to nearly everyone, and the one solid piece of advice I can give is to own up to them, discuss them and find a working solution. It means stretching your comfort zones, and PNG might need to progress slower, but at least you both will be active in working through this. What if's will kill you, so dont dwell on what might happen.. work with that is happening to you at that moment, and remember that with no expectations, there will be no dissapointment, just a willingness to understand and accept. Its not easy, but nothing worth having is ever easy.
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