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Old 03-29-2011, 12:47 AM
citygirl citygirl is offline
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Default and so it continues......

Hello again.
I think I need to start a new thread as I appear to be hijacking a current one and don't want to do that!
I first posted in August of 2010. Basically I have been thrust into polyamory by way of a cheating husband and a willing? poly girl that I will now refer to as A. And he has turned out to be a continuously cheating husband.

I think husband, S, is still deceiving A, as to what is going on between us. According to him, she thinks we are "working this out". The problem continues to be HIS sexting her and meeting her without my knowledge...which is something we agreed her would let me know about. I actually said sex..and sexting was not allowed while we worked this out but once again, he is doing what he wants. I have agreed to let her spend nights on my couch due to alcohol and a long drive home, but he texted her the next morning telling her that "he can't bear not being able to be with her when they are sooo close" blah blah blah.
So, I decided that overnights were no longer a good thing.

I guess my question here is, she has not been involved in our "working things out" deal, and I am beginning to think she should be. Cuz S is also screwing her over too! She thinks I am ok with his texts, according to him.

My second question is that, he continues to say he chooses me over her, blah blah blah, because I finally said "enough is enough", but is that because he doesn't have the balls to be alone?? I don't want to stay with him if he continues on this cheating path. Polyamory is a hard enough pill for me to swallow without his cheating on top of it.

I admire all of your relationships. It seems to be a really hard yet fullfilling path, but is it worth it if your SO is spineless??
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Old 03-29-2011, 01:11 AM
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Somegeezer Somegeezer is offline
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To me, he obviously can't be trusted. He doesn't seem to be talking through the problems you have. Or possibly you aren't making them clear enough.

Was he with this girl before the problems between you both came about?
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Old 03-29-2011, 01:20 AM
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I read what you wrote in the other thread before you posted here. He is not doing poly, he's cheating. He's given you no reason to trust him, and is treating the other woman poorly as well.

People like this give poly a bad name. A friend of ours said that we're the only "real" poly people she's ever met. The other times she's encountered it was some guy who wanted to cheat and get in her pants and other similar instances.

I see the word "polyamory" met with skepticism elsewhere because of the liars and cheaters.

As Mono said in the other thread (I am paraphrasing from memory here), he may be poly by nature, but not in practice.

Polyamory as I understand it falls under the umbrella of ETHICAL nonmonogamy. There ain't nothin' ethical about your husband's behavior. So, your husband may be capable of having many loves, but he is not practicing this in an ethical manner and is totally ignoring the bit about open, honest communication.
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Old 03-29-2011, 05:46 AM
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What is your relationship like with her? How much do the two of you spend time together. Just you two? Maybe all three if you should talk about this. He is obviously not going to follow YOUR rules, so why not work on boundaries together. Negotiate. Even if you can compromise for now even that might mean change for the better for all of you.

Have you ready some threads here on "lessons" and "foundations?" Both can be found by doing a tag search for those tag words. Your partner and this woman might benefit by reading them too.
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Old 03-29-2011, 06:10 AM
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http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6519 here is thread you wrote on citygirl #64 onward to where ever.
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Last edited by redpepper; 03-31-2011 at 04:50 AM.
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Old 03-29-2011, 12:52 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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It's unfortunate ... he's totally screwed himself over, because you seem like someone who is willing and able to put the work into having a poly relationship. Unlike your husband, who only wants to reap the "rewards" (i.e. to him, more sex) and have none of the work.

Talk to her. I don't know that this will actually solve anything, but if you leave the bastard, you should have the comfort of knowing you tried every available option. It's not you, truly.
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Old 03-30-2011, 11:24 PM
citygirl citygirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Somegeezer View Post
To me, he obviously can't be trusted. He doesn't seem to be talking through the problems you have. Or possibly you aren't making them clear enough.

Was he with this girl before the problems between you both came about?
I thought we were talking but then he said we weren't. I knew we were having problems before he met her. I actually told him I thank her for bringing our problems to the forefront; we can now discuss them. He tends to sweep everything under the table..doesn't want to make waves. We are trying to talk more but it is hard with our jobs and kids to find time to bring this up.

Quote:
TruckerPete It's unfortunate ... he's totally screwed himself over, because you seem like someone who is willing and able to put the work into having a poly relationship. Unlike your husband, who only wants to reap the "rewards" (i.e. to him, more sex) and have none of the work.
I think what he wants is me to come "on board...RIGHT NOW!" and I told him that I needed time. From our conversations ...and his recent email to his gf, he obviously doesn't want to wait.

Quote:
redpepper What is your relationship like with her? How much do the two of you spend time together. Just you two? Maybe all three if you should talk about this. He is obviously not going to follow YOUR rules, so why not work on boundaries together. Negotiate. Even if you can compromise for now even that might mean change for the better for all of you.
We get along ok but have not been really alone, just the 2 of us. I agree that I think she needs to be in on the negotiations, because I don't think she knows that he is still stringing both of us along...meaning that I know what they are doing and am ok with it.

@Penny
Quote:
Polyamory as I understand it falls under the umbrella of ETHICAL nonmonogamy. There ain't nothin' ethical about your husband's behavior. So, your husband may be capable of having many loves, but he is not practicing this in an ethical manner and is totally ignoring the bit about open, honest communication.
I agree with you here. I know what my husband is telling me, and that his gf is poly but I have called them both out on it as I have not been ok with anything they did prior January. She agrees with me but obviously forgives my husband too.

I am going to find time to talk to him again about what is going on and that we need to include A in our subsequent talks so that at least I know that they all hear me. This will be hard for me but it needs to be done for all of us.

Thanks so much for this group. Even though I cringe when I read some of the things here at first, after processing it through, I can see the good in most of it. I think the hard thing for me is the jealousy of my husband wanting to be with someone else....and not just as friends. Thanks for the words of encouragement and empowerment.
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Old 03-31-2011, 12:09 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by citygirl View Post
I think what he wants is me to come "on board...RIGHT NOW!" and I told him that I needed time. From our conversations ...and his recent email to his gf, he obviously doesn't want to wait.
Patience, communication, and all those fun things ARE the hard work.
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