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  #1  
Old 09-23-2009, 03:11 AM
jryyc1 jryyc1 is offline
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Default New, and already got challenges (but I KNOW I can solve!)

Hi Poly's,

The Nutshell:
  • gay
  • have husband (together nearly 10 years, sexually open 5+ years),
  • discovered "Ethical Slut" a few months back via a fuck buddy; thought it would simply help me be a better fuck buddy...had NO CLUE why they kept talking about LOVE
  • Last 3 months...falling head over heels with a beautiful man, now my boyfriend or secondary, who also has a husband.. Met online for a quick fuck, ended up going "wow, I want you in my life"
  • MY husband is now "in" on this reality, and neither happy nor comfortable with it.
  • My husband is putting up a zillion "walls," making lots of rules, and issuing threats and ultimatums.
  • I'm still crazy about my husband, and don't want to lose him.
  • I also don't want to lose the amazing boyfriend I've found.
  • I KNOW there is NO putting the poly Genie back in his bottle.
  • WHAT TO DO?

More detail: This is my first post. I'm surprised to be here. The word "polyamorous" only came into my life a few months ago; suddenly, it's wildly important. Thanks in advance for any guidance you can give.

I'm a gay man with an amazing husband (we'll call him that, even though we're not legally married...despite living in Canada).

Husband and I have basically a zero sex life together since about six months into our relationship; dramatically different interests and appetites for sex. But everything else about the relationship has worked well.

5 years ago we opened things sexually (very common in the gay world), and have both been quite free to play as we please...although really I'm the only one who plays much. Husband just doesn't have much sex drive.

I travel a LOT, so it's very easy for me to get laid on the road. Additionally, I'm allowed to "play" in our hometown, so have had plenty of sex locally, and made a few "fuck buddies."

I always believed I was keeping "feelings" out of the sex; despite having some really fun and interesting conversations with fuck buds. One of them recommended the book "The Ethical Slut," (which, you'll be gleeful to know, is the current #1 best seller at our local gay bookstore.

I read it with abandon, initially hiding the cover from my husband, and then realizing that was idiotic. He seemed ok with me reading it. I also found myself recommending it to a handful of my fuck buddies.

Last June, my husband was away one morning, and I had sex with a guy I met online. From the moment I met him (we'll now call him "boyfriend," he was special and different, not to mention gorgeous (BTW, my husband is among the planet's truly handsome men).

We both made it clear that our time together was 100% no-strings, but during & after an amazing fuck realized we needed to see each other again. A few weeks passed, due to scheduling, and the next time we saw each other it was like 4th of July fireworks combined with all the emotional connection of a Rock Hudson+Doris Day movie.

We continued to see each other; eventually my husband met my boyfriend (long story).

I later explained to my husband that my boyfriend is, indeed, my boyfriend...and very, very special. Meanwhile, boyfriend and HIS husband were inviting us for to get together so we'd all know who's who. We've all-4 been together a couple of times now (purely socially).

So, this has all gone quite nicely...except MY husband has now realizes that my boyfriend is, well, my boyfriend.

All hell has broken loose as husband is feeling sooooo insecure; threatening divorce (or saying, "gee, maybe our relationship has run its course").

I find my husband believes couples are meant to be of the "white picket fence" variety (although, it seems ok to have sex with other people...just don't let anyone know).

He's feeling angry, threatened, confused, and NOT happy about the idea that he may need to allow me to share the endless love I believe I can give.

I wish I knew a couple who could walk us through this. I don't want to lose my beautiful husband. But I know the genie cannot be put back in the bottle. Meanwhile, my beautiful boyfriend is getting batted around by everything, and feeling like he's in the middle of an experiment.

Ugh. Who's got advice?

Last edited by jryyc1; 09-23-2009 at 05:39 PM. Reason: spelling
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  #2  
Old 09-23-2009, 05:32 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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My wife has a hard time with it. She would rather I was into swinging than into polyamory. Your husband may fear he will lose you so he is protecting himself by trying to end it early. If you can help him realize how much he means to you, then maybe his insecurities will go down some. Let him know that he is not being replaced by your boyfriend. Your love for your husband is independent of the love you feel for another.

Maybe you can direct your boyfriend to some polyamory resources to help him understand what you are feeling better. Bringing up polyamory tends to be a very emotional issue in an established relationship. Hopefully, it will work out for you.

Best of luck.
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  #3  
Old 09-23-2009, 02:54 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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JRM to the rescue on this one!!

Take care, jryyc1
Mono
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Old 09-23-2009, 02:59 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
JRM to the rescue on this one!!

This!
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Old 09-23-2009, 04:20 PM
jryyc1 jryyc1 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
This!
Thanks for the thought (truly!!!), but the link doesn't take me anywhere.
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Old 09-23-2009, 04:46 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jryyc1 View Post
Thanks for the thought (truly!!!), but the link doesn't take me anywhere.

I don't know what link you're talking about.

No one has posted a link in this thread.
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Old 09-23-2009, 06:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jryyc1 View Post
He's feeling angry, threatened, confused, and NOT happy about the idea that he may need to allow me to share the endless love I believe I can give.
You've raised a bunch of issues and matters, Jryyc, to which I'd like, eventually, to respond, but let's start out with the above quote ... and take it from there.

I can fully empathize with both your experience and perspective and his. I don't see either of you as being more at fault than the other--, or even at fault at all.

Many or most people have been steeped in the notion that True Love, full love, real love... is and must be that which happens within a closed, or exclusive, dyad. Usually, the dyad in True Love is supposed to be both sexually and emotionally exclusive. So your husband isn't really at fault if he has the feeling-thought that takes up this sort of shape. He can be forgiven for it. You can be forgiven if you think-feel differently. He has every right to feel threatened, abandoned, hurt, or whatever. You have every right to believe it isn't necessary for him to feel threatened, abandoned or hurt.

There are opinions and there are facts. It is a fact that at least some people can love more than one person in a "romantic," loverly way, and do so fully with regard to each--with no lessening of the love in the original partnership. It is also a fact that, very often, the love--and the erotic bliss-- in the original coupling sometimes grows and expands when the couple opens up to include another in a "triad" or a "V". (Just ask if you're uncertain about these terms.) What this means is that it isn't on the basis of general fact that your husband should feel threatened by your loving another. It may be a fact that he feels threatened, but he may not understand all of the relevant facts. He may not understand that it is possible to be loved as fully, or even more fully, while you are also loving another. And this isn't primarily an intellectual comprehension, it's an emotional discovery. If you deeply love your husband, he'll be needing your help in making this inner movemement of discovery. That is, if you want to hold it together with him. It could break apart, but I don't think you or he wants that.

The only other available option, it seems to me, is for you to quit it with your new boyfriend and remain monogamous (emotionally -- since you are already sexually non-exclusive by agreement).

If you really, really want to hold it together with your husband, Jryyc, ...
--Well, if I were in your shoes, I'd have to take it upon myself to be strong support and guidance to my husband in swimming the lake he's crossing, if he so chooses to swim it. So how can you do that? How can you be strong support for and with him as he dives into himself in search of wisdom which might make this all work out better for each of you? If you wish to keep your boyfriend AND your husband, you must deeply realize that, indeed, your boyfriend--and the fact that you have a boyfriend--is no threat to your husband. What is more, you must deeply realize that the fact that you HAVE a boyfriend is no threat or harm -- or diminishment -- of your relationship with your husband -- or needn't be. If you stoke up your lovelight so bright and strong that it can dissolve all fears -- at least your own -- maybe it can bring warmth and illumination as your husband contemplates or makes the crossing he must make if you are to remain together and happy.
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Old 09-23-2009, 06:17 PM
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jryyc1,

If at any point along the way you think he'd be ready or willing to do so, ask your husband to join in this forum discussion. Plenty of folks here can sympathize and empathize with both of you in this challenge. We could probably offer both support and guidance.
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  #9  
Old 09-23-2009, 06:24 PM
jryyc1 jryyc1 is offline
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River: Astonishingly helpful already.

I get the "V" concept.

I do find myself very much loving two men, and understand that my feelings for one really have nothing to do with my feelings for the other, nor do they dimish in either case. My husband, on the other hand, feels like if I'm giving love/energy/time to my boyfriend, he (husband) is being shorted. Ugh.

The arguments of "we all have friends we invest with," "we give love and spend time with family/friends that take time away from our partnership" etc. don't seem to resonate for Husband. One of his HUGE things is the idea that Boyfriend and I may want to travel together (we do, in fact...I travel all the time, usually alone as Husband's career/schedule don't allow him to go often). Occasionally I've travelled with friends...and husband says "but that's different." Ugh ugh ugh. Sorry...I may be opening even more strings of thought. I'm generally REALLY patient, but feeling intense pressure (self-inflicted) to try and stabilize all parts of the ship in this storm.

What I don't know how to do is nudge/convince my husband to really open his mind and try to believe this is all possible. He's very, very strong in his beliefs about tradition.

He's said that in some ways he wishes I'd just gone off and had an affair, lasting or not, that he didn't know about. That damn word "ethical" is just too important to me.
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Old 09-23-2009, 06:40 PM
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jryyc1,

Does your husband know that you love him complely?

(I'm presuming that you in fact DO love him completely.)
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