Is there any benefit??

[dub1h]

What would be the benefit of a mono person dating someone who was poly? Is the only gain to be able to spend time with that particular person, who doesn't have eyes for only you, even though that's how you feel about them?

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by dub1h

What would be the benefit of a mono person dating someone who was poly? Is the only gain to be able to spend time with that particular person, who doesn't have eyes for only you, even though that's how you feel about them?

Well, if you are mono and have time consuming hobbies that would normally annoy a mono partner, having someone with more partners could be a benefit.

Just because you are mono doesn't mean you want a full time partner or serious commitment...that might be a benefit to a casual poly relationship. In fact it could be a safety mechanism to avoid normal monogamous commitment things like marriage or family functions.

If you question your own motives for being mono (conditioning or wiring) having a poly relationship could force you to look very deep into yourself.

Do I think it is recommended or wise to actively seek out a relationship with a poly person if you are mono?....definitely not, but I don't think it is wise for a poly person to seek out a mono partner either.

For me personally there is only one advantage...and her name is Redpepper!!

[Fenpry]

I agree completely with MonoVCPHG, but I do think that if you're interested in possibly in the future having a poly relationship, or want to explore it, it could help. You might want to simply look into it more. But if you truly just want a mono relationship and want someone "to have eyes for only you" then you shouldn't pursue this person.

[redpepper]

Fuck if I know. Heh, just kidding, kind of. If you're mono I really see no advantage. I suppose if you really love the person and can occupy your time with other pursuits then why not. I really find I gain more from the arrangement I'm in. At least most of the time. Then again, we arranged it loike that. No one negotiated all this for us.

[dub1h]

my question comes up because of a recent poly fiasco (failure?)

I think that when you break poly down, the root is in the open communication and honesty, with a willingness to compromise so that everyone is happy. I think only emotionally distant people could ever have a poly relationship where there are no negative emotions such as jealousy or feeling left out. The relationship part comes into play when everyone is trying to handle those emotions and get back to an even keel, right?

Well I think I am kind of mono in a way. When I meet a girl I really like, I am only interested in them. The other people just don't seem to interest me as much because my time is for the girl i am already with. The rest of the time I spend mostly alone because I'm sort of like that to begin with.

But I do see why it might be good to be poly. There's a certain level of detachment from love. It's like being in love just staring into someone's eyes and resisting the urge to walk up and hug them tightly, never letting go. It's kind of good to live that way because a lot of times, things don't last forever, or people move, life happens. Especially at a young age (thinking early 20s, college aged).

But I think that the open communication is what I see most important in a relationship. I suppose there may not be an advantage to dating a girl who is herself poly, but there is no harm as long as I have my short list of needs fulfilled?

Sorry this is all kind of a learning experience about myself. I've learned a lot about what I really want in a relationship ever since my breakup. Poly fails when there are a lot of people thrown into the fray with zero warning, and when everyone has different expectations......

[Somegeezer]

It seems to me that you could really help yourself understand polyamory by reading a lot more on the forum. You have this skewed idea of what it really is.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by dub1h

I do see why it might be good to be poly. There's a certain level of detachment from love.

Huh? What do you mean by that? I wonder, also, if you really understand polyamory.

[Ariakas]

Originally Posted by dub1h

I think that when you break poly down, the root is in the open communication and honesty, with a willingness to compromise so that everyone is happy.

You say this like its a bad thing? Figuring out a way to have everyone be happy isn't a bad thing

I think only emotionally distant people could ever have a poly relationship where there are no negative emotions such as jealousy or feeling left out. The relationship part comes into play when everyone is trying to handle those emotions and get back to an even keel, right?

Way... wayyyyyy in left field. Poly people feel negative and positive emotions. Emotionally distant does not even begin to describe me or my lovers, or anyone I know in poly. If anything we are more in tune with our emotions

What requires more distance, a married couple together 15 years and barely enjoying each others company... but "dealing" with that disconnect by remaining distant? Or someone with multiple lovers, with multiple potentially diverging personalities.

I would think poly is less emotionally distant. Even at a cursory glance.

Well I think I am kind of mono in a way. When I meet a girl I really like, I am only interested in them. The other people just don't seem to interest me as much because my time is for the girl i am already with. The rest of the time I spend mostly alone because I'm sort of like that to begin with.

You just described me. I am not.. freely available poly.

But I do see why it might be good to be poly. There's a certain level of detachment from love. It's like being in love just staring into someone's eyes and resisting the urge to walk up and hug them tightly, never letting go. It's kind of good to live that way because a lot of times, things don't last forever, or people move, life happens. Especially at a young age (thinking early 20s, college aged).

I get those urges constantly. I am far from detached from love...

Try not to project how your feel in poly with how it could be for others please.

Sorry this is all kind of a learning experience about myself. I've learned a lot about what I really want in a relationship ever since my breakup. Poly fails when there are a lot of people thrown into the fray with zero warning, and when everyone has different expectations......

If people have expectations that aren't flexible yet. But people can walk in with different expectations and work through the relationship. Sometimes I think there is some mysterious ease of use clause in poly. If it doesn't work, move on. Relationships take work, and poly is no exception