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  #1  
Old 03-25-2011, 01:57 PM
yul yul is offline
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Default Can you forgive a cowgirl/homewrecker?

Hello,

I have been involved with what some of you may call a cowgirl or a homewrecker. There was nothing sexual, only emails, a couple nights out for drinks and a few phone calls.

I didn't know she was a cowgirl and she didn't know I didn't want to stray..

My SO was clearly hurt by this even if there wasn't any sexual contact.

I am still communicating on a very occasional basis with Ms Cowgirl and believe she want's to play a straight game.

I am not talking about being sexually involved but would like to give here a second chance at friendship.

I cannot blame her 100% since the situation was very convoluted and not exactly clear on my part.

This was my first attempt at reaching out to a second partner and my SO was caught by surprise and made everybody panic. Can't blame her as well.

My SO is reluctant to have me talk to her again yet she says she will give it a chance....when she is ready.

Can this be done? I mean friends? Thanks.
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Old 03-25-2011, 02:18 PM
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Penny Penny is offline
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I don't really understand how she was a cowgirl or homewrecker. I assume she expressed sexual interest in you, but your post really doesn't make it clear what happened that would earn her those labels.

Could you please clarify?
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  #3  
Old 03-25-2011, 03:13 PM
yul yul is offline
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The reason being she made advances to me and encouraged me to be unfaithful.

She basically thought I wanted to have an affair which wasn't the case but we hadn't had enough time to discuss this since my SO panicked and ordered me to stop communicating...

I think she understands better now but my SO is still pretty messed up.

Is this something that can be forgiven? I am not talking about being romantic but salvaging friendship?

Last edited by yul; 03-25-2011 at 03:16 PM.
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Old 03-25-2011, 03:25 PM
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That depends in part on whether you are comfortable being friends with the sort of person who has such disregard for others that she would encourage someone to cheat.

This does not speak well of her character. Granted, she may have thought you were up for it, but her willingness to take part in such a relationship shows a lack of empathy for your wife.

Just something to consider. Willingness to screw over a stranger or acquaintance is a bad sign, IMO, and does not foster trust.
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  #5  
Old 03-25-2011, 03:31 PM
yul yul is offline
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Adultery is everywhere and think she is no better/worse that many of my parents, friends and acquaintances that do or dream of freedom but do not know there is a possibility other than "cheating".

That's why..
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Old 03-25-2011, 03:37 PM
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Well, then, you have your answer. It's between you, her, and your SO now.
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  #7  
Old 03-27-2011, 02:08 AM
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Fenpry Fenpry is offline
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My thoughts are simple, but I apologize if I am incorrect in assuming but I will say it anyway...I'm thinking that the reason you want to continue this friendship is due to the fact that a. you have been friends for a while and really care for the friendship or b. you want to get this person to eventually join you in your relationship with your SO. My bets are on b, and if so, I believe you should be honest with both parties and see it through, not manipulate the whole situation. But if you do truly just want to stay friends with this person, that can be done as long as she understands that it is solely a friendship with no other ties and your SO is completely on board with this all (meaning she knows when you two are hanging out and speaking to each other).
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Old 03-28-2011, 01:11 AM
scramcity scramcity is offline
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Default Can I just say?

I love you NYCindie
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  #9  
Old 03-28-2011, 11:42 PM
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girlpatrol girlpatrol is offline
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OP, the questions I'm asking myself about what you've written are these:

1) Is he having an instability or insecurity with his wife that he needs to work on first?

2) Are there trust issues between him and his wife regardless of whether there's another potential partner in the pic?

3) Is the "homewrecker" sensing the insecurities in the marriage (if they exist)?

4) Is the OP willing to start a dialogue about it, especially about why he wants to hold on to a friendship?

There are other questions but those are the highlights. Basically, they are questions I would probably ask myself if in your shoes.

I have been in your shoes... or, actually, in the "homewrecker" shoes (although that wasn't my intention at the time...) I'll leave my story for another time, but basically what happened is that I realized that it seemed to her like I was trying to homewreck, when actually that was the furthest from my thoughts. She was married with kids, and he was gone all the time with work, so there were insecurities there, and I sensed them, but not because I wanted to steal her. I wanted to be with her and I would have happily met and befriended him but he was very traditional and the issue was cut and dried. One day she just cut me off. But can I really blame her? No... Worst feeling in the world, the idea that I was hurting someone's relationship.

I hope you can get it sorted, whatever the issues are that are going on between you and your spouse, or you and this other girl.
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  #10  
Old 03-28-2011, 11:48 PM
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idealist idealist is offline
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In my opinion, if all you wanted was a friendship with this other woman, you wouldn't be looking for advice on a poly site. I suggest you get really honest about what you want, and once you have that sorted out, talk to your SO.
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