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Old 09-21-2009, 05:48 PM
DarkHorseJ27 DarkHorseJ27 is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 31
Default Does one ever get over being cheated on completely?

I know this isn't an exclusively poly issue, but it does have to do with trust, which is very important in a poly relationship.

As mentioned in previous posts, my wife has cheated on me in the past. One night, a few months after we got married, she told me she didn't love me anymore, and shortly after that she had sex with someone else. The whole time I was trying to fix things and work it out. Even as we were trying to get back together, she was spending time with different men (she thought it was unreasonable for me to ask for her not to spend time with anyone she has had sex with). She blamed me for everything, and said it wasn't cheating because it was all my fault. By the time it was all over she had been with several different people.

Her family blamed me, as she told them I cheated. That is what they still think. My parents are angry at me for not getting a divorce. She also lost a good friend over the whole matter.

My mental health took a nosedive when it all started happening. I slipped back into a depression, and started cutting myself. But the whole time I stayed dedicated to making things work.

I never completely blamed her, as her father's death really messed her up. He died from cancer exactly a week before the wedding. After that she was seeing things that weren't there. I have long sinced forgiven her, and I am what I guess you would call mostly over it.

We got back together about 5 months ago, and we are doing very well since then. It was very rocky at first (her pushing for an open marriage didn't help) but we worked through it and are at a good place. But every know and then I find myself thinking back on it, and it still hurts. Does it ever completely go away?
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Old 09-21-2009, 05:56 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221

Originally Posted by DarkHorseJ27 View Post
Does it ever completely go away?
Not if one or more of the parties are in denial about it.

If she's putting ALL of the blame on you and to this day her parents think you cheated on her not the other way around, then I would say that at LEAST one of you (her) is still in denial.

Ever heard of a little list called the "12 steps"?


See Steps 4, 8, 9, and 10.

(I don't care too much about the other, quasi-religious steps.)

Last edited by NeonKaos; 09-21-2009 at 06:01 PM.
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Old 09-21-2009, 06:42 PM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Sunny CA
Posts: 293

I don't know if it ever all goes away. I wonder this myself. One thing that bothers me is when the cheater does not take full responsibility. I mean, yes it is possible that other things contributed to her behavior, but in the end all those actions were HER decisions, and you really had no control over them.

Take a look at this: http://technomom.com/love/cheatingtopoly.shtml
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Old 09-21-2009, 08:51 PM
DarkHorseJ27 DarkHorseJ27 is offline
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Posts: 31

Forgot to mention in my original post, she has since taken responsibility for what she has done.

I was just wondering if the hurt ever goes away completely.
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Old 09-22-2009, 08:41 AM
Monkey Monkey is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3

For most of us, someday, yes.

To qualify that, I'd like to say that I'm not a huge fan of generalizations. Everyone is different, and takes emotional stresses differently. Some people take the stressor of having a loved one cheat on them by getting angry and breaking things. Other try and get even by sleeping around themselves. Some get depressed and obsess over it for days, weeks, months, years (my own personal reaction, so you're not alone, bud). Everyone takes a breach of trust differently, and it hurts different people in different ways.

But for most people, eventually, the pain goes away. It's very likely that some day, you're going to look back on the whole thing and go "Hah! That was the stupidest thing she could have ever done." But it takes time, it takes looking to the future (rather than dwelling in the past), and it takes a shift in your mindset. Stop looking at the ending of your relationship as a loss, and instead, look at it as a learning opportunity. How will your next relationship(s) be better than that one? What have you learned, and how are you going to apply that knowledge?
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Old 09-22-2009, 03:08 PM
DarkHorseJ27 DarkHorseJ27 is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 31

The relationship didn't end, I am still with her.
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