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Old 09-17-2009, 05:33 AM
sweetie sweetie is offline
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Default Born to poly or evolved?

My partners (Sea and tommyc) had a discussion this weekend. Are you born poly or do you evolve to it? Whether born or evolved you still make the choice to live the way you do.

I have to admit the discussion came about because I was feeling guilty. Tommyc was born poly. Sea evolved to poly, and I'm mono. Tommyc has loved women in all shapes and sizes since he was 6 years old. I've seen him look at women with interest and not had a clue as why he would be interested. Because Sea has shared her home, children, and thank the gods her husband, with me, she is poly by definition. I'm just plain mono.

I love tommyc deeply, and if I want to be a part of his life, and I do, then poly it is. I love Sea. She is my best friend. She is loving and generous, she gives the whole of herself, even when it's hard for her. She shares all my thoughts and secrets. We love, laugh, argue and sit in comfortable silence.

Here is where the guilt comes in. I've always known that my partners are poly. If Sea were to find another partner, I would have absolutely no problem with it, as long as he makes her happy. It would just be a second V. If tommyc were to bring another woman into our relationship I would lose my frigging mind. I can share tommyc with Sea, I can't share him with someone else. As far as I'm concerned it's not a closed door, it's a brick wall.

I've talked to tommyc about it. Because I feel guilty. He has said he has no interest in anyone but Sea and myself. He is perfectly happy with the two of us. But by bricking up the wall am I taking something away from him? Poly is supposed to be about being open to new relationships, and I was open to this relationship, but not open to sharing him with another, other then Sea.

A footnote here: Sea and I have laughed our asses off because we know damn well that there is no way in hell we could ever except another woman. Whatever differences we may have at the time, we would band together to run her out. Our poor tommyc doesn't stand a chance. I knew he was poly, I just didn't realize I was mono in a poly relationship.

So I guess what I'm asking is if tommyc is okay with what we share, and Sea is okay with what we share, and I'm okay with what we share, why am I feeling guilty?
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Old 09-17-2009, 05:38 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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For what it is worth..I am in the same type of dynamic. You're not alone, not selfish, not asking too much. What you are doing is establishing what you need to be happy. You eventually have to trust that your man is being honest in his contentment. I struggle with this too my friend...you are in essence a female version of me in some ways

Welcome to my happy world
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Old 09-17-2009, 05:48 AM
sweetie sweetie is offline
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Thanks mono. I have read many posts between you and RP, and I know you share a deep love. Not only with her, but her husband and son as well. I share the same with Sea and tommyc, and our children. I do trust that he is telling the truth. I just don't want him to ever feel like he's doing something against his nature because he will hurt me. I believe if the time comes that he feels differently, he will tell me, and give me a choice.
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Old 09-17-2009, 05:58 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Well look at that..you're even more like me than I thought
I would walk away rather than have Redpepper deny herself something...the thought of her resenting the way I love later in life kills me and I won't let my desire for her ruin our connection. Having her in my life in a healthy way for both of us is more important than having her in all ways....I love her in a way that transcends my need to hold her...I simply love that she is in the world and happy....that is something I have never felt before and gives me strenght to move forward. Just keep talking to your Loves.
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Old 09-17-2009, 06:07 AM
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For the record Sweetie...this is the biggest struggle I have. In fact it is part of my only fear in the life Redpepper, her husband and me are building. You truly are not alone.
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Old 09-17-2009, 06:24 AM
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I have walked away mono. Two weeks ago to be exact. We were so unhappy, hurting each other. I thought I was doing what was best for all three of us. I knew that tommyc couldn't end it, and Sea wouldn't. So I did. It took walking away, with all the tears, to realize what we had was worth fighting for. I've loved them both for so long, I'd rather spend my life without them, then hurt either of them.

Love evolves in a way that no one could possibly imagine. When we think we have the other person figured out, an emotion gets thrown in there that leaves you wondering if you have anything figured out.

If you had asked me 3 years ago if this is where I thought my life would end up, I would have laughed at you and walked away. Now this is my life. It's a struggle, and sometimes love isn't enough. But love gets us through today, so we can see what tomorrow brings. That's all anyone can ask for.
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Old 09-17-2009, 10:55 AM
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I don't really like the use of the word "evolved" in this context. It implies that being poly is a superior way to be. That it's for people who are "more developed".

It's not superior and being monogamous isn't inferior. They're just different relationship styles that work better or worse for different people. It takes a hell of a lot of personal skills to have a successful poly relationship and it takes a hell of a lot of personal skills to have a successful monogamous relationship.
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Old 09-17-2009, 02:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
I don't really like the use of the word "evolved" in this context. It implies that being poly is a superior way to be. That it's for people who are "more developed".
Point taken..you are a smart woman Ceoli
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Old 09-17-2009, 06:25 PM
sweetie sweetie is offline
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Point taken for myself as well. Thanks for that. I would never want anyone to think I thought I was superior to them because I live in a poly relationship, or inferior because I am mono in a poly relationship. Definitely the wrong word to use.

Growing up my mother used to say, " You aren't any better then anyone else. But keep in mind, you sure as hell aren't any worse either." Her way of saying we are equals.
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Old 09-17-2009, 09:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetie View Post

A footnote here: Sea and I have laughed our asses off because we know damn well that there is no way in hell we could ever except another woman.
The word you want is accept, not except.

http://www.ehow.com/how_2086436_use-...correctly.html

I'm a terrible speller, and my grammar and punctuation need lots of work, but I just had to say it! I've been keeping my inner grammar police officer locked up in chains in the basement, and it isn't your fault that he managed to pick the locks today. No one is to blame. And I'm sure there are plenty of agregious errors of my own all over this place.

Besides, grammatical advice is often easier to give than relationship advice.
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Last edited by River; 09-17-2009 at 09:52 PM.
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