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Old 03-17-2011, 06:15 PM
SaintAugust SaintAugust is offline
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Default Potential Poly vs Mono problems

I lieu of recent situations in my own life, I wanted to pose a hypothetical scenario, and if anyone has experienced the situation, see how they have dealt with it.

Say you have been in a monogamous relationship for a year +. You are not looking to be poly or looking for another partner. But then you fall in love with someone else who loves you back, and find that you are still very much in love with your current partner. You realize that you do not want to have to choose, because each love is unique and special in itself and you don't want to lose either.

You do some research, discover the idea of polyamory and realize that it is ok to be in love with two people. You discus that possibility with your current partner, but he/she is really not ok with anything but monogamy. Since you feel that your primary responsibility is with your partner, you decide to stay monogamous.

How do you handle this?

Last edited by SaintAugust; 03-17-2011 at 06:24 PM.
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Old 03-17-2011, 06:44 PM
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Well, you would have a couple of options.

1. Decide to stay monogamous so you can be with that person. Possible pitfalls include feeling resentment, restricted, suppressing your emotions etc

2. You can break up with said person on the basis that you want two different things. This way you would be free to be polyamorous but you would have to end the relationship with that person.

3. You and that person could try to make a poly/mono relationship work and there are many discussions, blogs and people on here that have lots of experience with that. Mono, Sage and Vodkafan for starters. (I'm sure I'm forgetting someone!)

Plenty of people (including me) never went looking for poly, it just fell into their laps. You must consider if you need to be poly in order to be happy. If it turns out that being with that mono person is so amazing and you're kind of ambivalent about poly, and you know that staying with that person is going to be fulfilling to you....then maybe you would choose to stay. But consider if you love that person dearly but now that you feel poly, you don't think you can happily be monogamous, then maybe you have to move on. Ultimately, it's about what decision will best suit your needs long term.
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Old 03-17-2011, 08:47 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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@ray- um me? This person is saying he has discovered he is poly, not mono with a poly. Other way around, although the members you suggested are awesome and well worth reading about. However, seeing as this is a forum for poly people, you have come to the right place SA. I would suggest reading some threads about the situation you are in. If you do a search for "mono/poly" or the lilke, you will have no trouble finding info. Ray has some very good points there however. I agree with all of them myself.
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Old 03-17-2011, 08:51 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SaintAugust View Post
I lieu of recent situations in my own life, I wanted to pose a hypothetical scenario . . .
Would be more helpful to tell us about a real situation, not a hypothetical one. Then the responses would be more constructive to you. You don't have to include details that would break your anonymity, but specifics about your dynamic would help. Otherwise, it's all a guessing game and make-believe.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 03-18-2011, 03:48 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I made a mess of it.
That's what I did when I figured out I was in love with my best friend and my husband. (2001)
Created a nightmare from hell.

Still cleaning up the mess.
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Old 03-18-2011, 04:08 AM
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Whoops! Sorry, Redpepper! I guess whenever I think of poly/mono stuff, I think of the monos. You definitely have a wealth of experience on this topic.
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Old 03-18-2011, 06:19 AM
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FlameKat FlameKat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I made a mess of it.
That's what I did when I figured out I was in love with my best friend and my husband. (2001)
Created a nightmare from hell.

Still cleaning up the mess.
Ditto - feel free to look through my thread - the heartbreak in this situation is still going on and on and on and on...
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Old 03-19-2011, 05:38 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Let's face it. If you know you are poly, and decide to stay monogamous despite another love in your life for the sake of protecting your primary relationship, what is going to happen the next time you fall for someone else?

More heartbreak to pass around?
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