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Old 09-16-2009, 01:16 AM
Nyx Nyx is offline
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Default Giant step backward

Gosh, where do I start. First off, I haven't been on here in a while sorry about that! I've just started fall semester, having troubles with my eldest child. I hope everyone has been doing well! I will try to read some recent posts and comment a bit.

Last time I was on, I talked about how I was embarking on allowing an open relationship with my bf. He has been poly for years, and something that I am genuinely interested in (after fighting it at first), and given my tendency to feel strangled by overly jealous lovers, I think it could very well work for me too at some point. (With this new perspective, I've already felt the joyous freedom of feeling attracted to someone new and knowing it would be ok to pursue them!)

So my bf has been interested in these two other girls for a while now (few months), hasn't been dating them, just chatting and emailing and hanging out with friends because he's been waiting for me to feel ok with him going ahead with them. I thought long and deep and searched my feelings about him seeing other women and I thought I came to the conclusion that even though it would be difficult, I really felt it was something I could do!

About two weeks ago, my poor bf (gah - I hate that - I have to name him, so I will call him, fictitiously of course, Nick). Anyway Nick was on a fire (meaning he was fighting wildland fires) and while he was gone I just suddenly fell back into my old pattern of thought. I felt jealous and angry, I felt like he just didn't want to spend any time with me and that he was constantly filling up his life with other things. (he's involved with theater, etc)

And so we ended up chatting online while he was gone and I ended up breaking it off with him because he told me that he was planning on spending more time pursuing these two other women when he got back from fire. It went amicably at the time, I just sort of bowed out mainly because this seemed like another thing that was taking what fraction of time he had left for me away! (with me so far?)

Anyway so after that I just got very angry. I don't know - for several days I just started fuming inside about how he didn't care about me, didn't want to be with me in first place, because if he did he wouldn't be doing this, blah blah....I really filled myself with negative, even malicious thoughts. All the ground I had covered in the preceding months just seemed to disappear and the old emotional habits started up again.

I admit I was being horrid, I guess because I felt horrid. And Nick, unconditional lover that he is, still responded with nothing but love. On Sunday, I called him and he said he was having one of his gfs over for dinner. I just felt heartbroken, but what the hell? I don't know why. I broke up with him, and he had already told me he was planning on spending more time with them, why would I feel so hurt by this? I just started imagining that he would use all his smooth moves and they would, well you know..My mind went to all the places it's best not to go.

I was so angry and hurt that when he came by yesterday to pick up some stuff, I was just cold to him. He started to say I love you and I slammed the door in his face . We talked later and he said he thought that slamming the door in his face was a fitting metaphor for all we've been through. He said that all he wants to do is love me and all I do is try to get away, or push him away...in effect slam the door on his love.

Well, with the long story out of the way (sorry!!) I just wonder if any other successfully poly relationships have started out this way? I know I have it in me somewhere to embrace this, I don't understand why I totally lost it and all I could do was react to my pain and uncertainty with rage and coldness. I feel so terrible about the way I have acted.

I seemed to just sit and dwell and twist things around in my head. I was thinking things like, he just wants to f*** around, he is so shallow and egotistical that he needs all this attention from women, etc....Just thinking all these poison thoughts that are so ingrained I honestly don't know what's reality anymore! Then I talked to some friends about it (who btw are FIERCELY mono - so not the best choice of audiences) and they were all about adding more poison.

I felt like I was almost there, what happened??

Nick and I talked last night and one question just rings in my head: What is it about romantic relationships that make one feel SO jealous? I mean, people don't generally feel jealous of friends when they go to the movies together or some other innocuous thing....it has to be focused on the sexual part, the physical intimacy part I should say (since even kissing or cuddling can make people rage with jealousy). What is SO threatening about that?? If I could figure that out, maybe I could understand my Giant Step Backward.
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Old 09-16-2009, 01:28 AM
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And Nick, unconditional lover that he is, still responded with nothing but love. :
He's not unconditional at all. His condition is you have to share him. That's a big condition to ask for the majority of people...never forget that.
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Old 09-16-2009, 01:31 AM
Nyx Nyx is offline
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What I mean by unconditional is that even though I screw up time and again, he doesn't hold it against me like every other boyfriend I've ever had. I am a very emotional person and I can't contain strong emotions very well, something I've been working on a long time. Yes, the manner in which we have a relationship is conditional, but his love is not.
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Old 09-16-2009, 01:33 AM
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Yes, the manner in which we have a relationship is conditional, but his love is not.
That is a total contradiction...don't beat up on yourself too much. Stay healthy and do what you heart needs to grow and be whole.

Take care
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Old 09-16-2009, 01:37 AM
Nyx Nyx is offline
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I don't see it as a contradiction. You can love someone and not be in an official relationship with them. What is contradictory exactly?
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Old 09-16-2009, 01:41 AM
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I was referring to if you want a romantic relationship with him..then it is conditional. I see where you are coming from now. Sorry for the confusion.
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Old 09-16-2009, 06:27 AM
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*hugs*

I think the ups and downs are normal whenever you are trying to make such a huge change in your life. Life is a highway, look for a rest stop and take a moment, that would be asking the questions that fit that part of road you have chosen.

Good luck!
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Old 09-17-2009, 12:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Nyx View Post
About two weeks ago, my poor bf (gah - I hate that - I have to name him, so I will call him, fictitiously of course, Nick). Anyway Nick was on a fire (meaning he was fighting wildland fires) and while he was gone I just suddenly fell back into my old pattern of thought. I felt jealous and angry, I felt like he just didn't want to spend any time with me and that he was constantly filling up his life with other things. (he's involved with theater, etc)

And so we ended up chatting online while he was gone and I ended up breaking it off with him because he told me that he was planning on spending more time pursuing these two other women when he got back from fire. It went amicably at the time, I just sort of bowed out mainly because this seemed like another thing that was taking what fraction of time he had left for me away! (with me so far?)

I think people who are opening up relationships spend a lot of time trying to quash down any negative feelings they may be having towards it for fear of not being open enough for their partner's sake. Also, many people tend to immediately read any negative feelings that come up as jealousy...and for many poly people, that's a dirty word. So we spend a lot of time either just saying we shouldn't feel jealous or pushing it all down.

Well, listen to those feelings. While they may not be indicating the whole truth of the situation, they are giving you some piece of truth. What I just quoted from your OP seems to indicate to me that you're feeling that he hardly has enough time to spend with you as it is. So if you're feeling that he doesn't have the time to even meet your needs in a relationship, it's understandable that you would be upset about him pursuing other relationships when he doesn't seem to have the time to care for yours.

That's a legitimate concern. It sounds like that negative feeling didn't have a voice...so it sort of blew up into an all-encompassing freakout.

So maybe break it down. It's great that he loves you, but if all that love isn't meeting your needs in the relationship, it's completely ok to say that. I don't think it's about him seeing other people. It seems more to be about him having the time to care for you.

So you have a right to voice your needs in the relationship. And in this case, it might take some real examining of what your needs are here. Not the things you think you should be needing in order to be a great poly girlfriend, but your actual needs. Then it just takes understanding what needs are being met and what needs aren't. Once you've figured that out, communicate those needs. Show appreciation for the needs being met and bring up the concerns of the needs not being met. Then just add love and see what happens.

Good luck.
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Old 09-17-2009, 06:12 PM
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bring on jealousy! geesh... I have a poly friend that spends so much time skirting around the whole jealousy thing that I fear she is missing the power to release it has. It is worth feeling every bit of it because it's you gut telling you something. I don't know what that is for you, but if you allow yourself to feel it and ask for whatever you say to be taken with a grain of salt because you are just trying to figure out the root, then you will reach a higher knowing of yourself and your situation... perhaps even others. What better gift than jealousy! He is a lucky man to have a woman that can express her emotions at all! It seems he knows that and is patient about your ways of sorting things out for yourself.
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Old 09-20-2009, 11:09 PM
Nyx Nyx is offline
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I think the jealousy part is working itself out a little bit....he told me some of the more intimate details of his date the other day (which included oral sex) and I didn't really feel that gut wrenching heartache I thought I would. I just sort of took it in stride. Meanwhile, we have come back together in our relationship and have really sort of started trying to resolve some issues. He has been spending a lot more time with me as well, so I feel he has really heard me this time and is attempting to make things work better. Our love feels stronger than ever!

What remains to be worked out is this other woman with whom he had a date - apparently her other bf is really jealous too and reacted very strongly when he found out about the intimacy. I think what is going to have to happen is a "double date" to get everyone introduced and see how things pan out. I am not sure if I feel strong enough to meet her face to face yet, but what helps is knowing I am not the only one dealing with jealousy and uncertainty (the other bf is dealing with this stuff too).

The other issue is this second woman he is involved with that I really do not feel comfortable with. She is very young and it just seems to me that she is really all about playing around and messing with a lot of guys...she doesn't seem serious at all and Nick even told me that she stood him up once and that he had some uncertainty about her degree of honesty. I don't like the idea of Nick getting physical with someone like that. I asked him to put that relationship on hold for now until we get this other stuff sorted out, but he pretty much refused. I don't know if it is reasonable for me to ask that of him or not...
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