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Old 03-16-2011, 03:53 PM
Cat Cat is offline
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me and my husband, I'll call him Lobster, have decided to change our relationship from monogamous to polyamorous.

I guess I've always been poly, but not until now I've found a name for it and can accept that part of myself. Lobster is supprtive, and is says he's happy we're doing this. I feel like I'm closer to him now then before we started talking about it.

Now, the thing is I have feelings for this other guy, Penguin. We met playing an online game that I also play with Lobster. So we all know eachother. there was some flirting going on behind the back of Lobster. When I felt it had gone too far, I told him about it and he was hurt. We've talked and talked and talked about poly, Penguin and our relationship.

Anyway, Lobster wants me to email Penguin, basically giving him a rundown of our boundaries and see if he's even interested in a relationship with me. And I'm so bloody scared it will scare Penguin off as I don't know what he feels for me and how serious that is sorta thing. I mean I know he likes me and has the hots for me but not sure if he really wants a long distance poly relationship.. lol

And I know some might look down it being an online thing, but that's the way I roll. lol. It's how I met Lobster and also Snake (that's another story.. )

I'll end my novel here. Not really sure if I have a question, just felt the need to kinda write it all down.

oh yea, you guys think there's anyway I can write that message and still not come off as too serious?
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Old 03-16-2011, 04:28 PM
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I chose to approach my honey, T-Rex, via email because all our face to face meetings were with a large group of friends (our gaming group) and we had no opportunities for private communication otherwise.

It worked out great. We've been together for about eight months now.

Mind you, my husband, Thumper, paved the way by mentioning that we'd decided to open our marriage in front of the entire group, on the pretext of asking our friends for advice about a girl he was interested in. T-Rex then went on vacation out of the country for a week, so he had some time to muse on it.

So, my situation is a bit different because there was some warm-up there. But I do think email is a fine way to do it.

One approach you could use would be to prime the pump, giving him a chance to absorb and process this new information (your poly nature) before taking the next step.

For example, you could tell him that you've been enjoying the playful flirtation between you two and just wanted him to know, just in case he was concerned, that this isn't going to cause any troubles as you are polyamorous, meaning open to having more than one relationship, and that your husband knows and is cool with this.

Then see how he responds to this information. If he doesn't respond in a clear or timely manner, then you might decide to spell things out more clearly.

I have found that the two sweet, wonderful, and intelligent men in my life are really bad at picking up on hints (particularly from women) and that I must be super blunt and obvious about, well, just about everything... sometimes to an extent that seems absurd to me. Still, I think when introducing a concept like polyamory, there may be some benefit to giving the notion a bit of time to sink in.

Polyamory is foreign to most people, and it's a lot to take in all at once.

Then again, you could just go for it. I'm also a big fan of just going for it.
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Old 03-16-2011, 06:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat View Post
me and my husband, I'll call him Lobster, have decided to change our relationship from monogamous to polyamorous.

. . . I have feelings for this other guy, Penguin. We met playing an online game that I also play with Lobster. So we all know eachother.
When you say you know each other, does that mean you've met in person? Or only online? Just wondering because if it's only online I really don't know how you could jump in right away to a relationship without spending time together first.

Also, FYI, there is a member here whose husband's username is Lobster and he posts here as well. Might get confusing.
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Old 03-16-2011, 07:12 PM
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I was wondering too about the likelihood of meeting or if you have met. Maybe its generational, but online boyfriends confuse me. What are your thoughts about actually seeing this man and spending real time with him. So much about a person is learned face to face and while observing them washing their dishes, taking a piss.

Sorry, I'm not meaning to devalue your feelings, I am legitiamtely wondering the kind of depth you might want to create. Could be a useful question for you to think about just the same no?

I think its great to share love in any way it comes to you, but what is the rush to move from flirting to boyfriend/girlfriend status? It sounds like you were enjoying the level of connection you already had. Is it your idea to move to a more close dynamic or your partners? would he feel more comfortable with you commiting to girlfriend status rather than flirt status? It seems too early some how. Maybe I am wrong?
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Old 03-16-2011, 07:44 PM
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Hello Cat, Welcome. Nice to see another new person! The few folks I'm getting know here have been fantastic! I don't have anything else to add really, So welcome to the board, hope you find what you're looking for.

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Old 03-17-2011, 08:59 AM
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thanks for the welcome. I've been lurking these boards for a while now.. you all seem like really nice people.

online vs face to face.. if we do end up dating I would want to meet him face to face of course.. but to me thats not a deal breaker. we live in different countries, but airfare is rather cheap. Was recently checking since I'm going to go visit another online friend that lives sorta closeby

I agree there's no rush to push this into a relationship, Im happy just to flirt but Lobster (yes im trying to come up with an alternative name) insists that I let Penguin know that he knows and is ok with it. We are working together on a message for me to send to him. basically explaining the situation but without pushing for any sort of committment or relationship status.. it's tricky but I think the tone of the message is where I'm comfortable with it.

Since we all hang out a lot, and with other friends/acquaintances, we talked about how to deal with stuff like the talk behind our backs that is likely to start. My opinion is I rather have them know we are poly and that it's all good, than being seen as cheating. Lobster would prefer to not let anyone know and I'm not sure that's going to be possible in our little clique.

Maybe I just worry too much
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Old 03-17-2011, 10:39 AM
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Hi and welcome!

Gaming groups are a bit tricky, as are any close-knit friendship/free time communities. I chose to take our flirting off the board and start PMing, just so as to spare onlookers from having to wonder what was going on and if everyone is good with everything. Saved us from a huge coming out event, especially at a moment when we are a bit unsure over what exactly to come out with. But on boards/in game, we are strictly friends-only, although before the PMing started, things got a bit rowdy.
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Old 03-17-2011, 02:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat View Post
My opinion is I rather have them know we are poly and that it's all good, than being seen as cheating. Lobster would prefer to not let anyone know and I'm not sure that's going to be possible in our little clique.
yes, letting people know you are poly so as to be sure all of you are not affected negatively is a good idea I think. People on here who have met and started dating have announced it when they start being partners (we already know they are poly pretty much ) That to me is the best time. Everything happens behind the scenes so as to not be disrespectful to anyone.
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