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Old 03-12-2011, 05:13 AM
Imagination Imagination is offline
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Default I say I'm poly but mono woman wants me anyway

As I'm settling my former relationship in a good way (we might even remain friends), I'm happy to feel free. Now I got to know a marvelous woman, Johanna, and we talked for a while and there were quite a few similarities. I really felt attrackted to her and I believe, she likes me, too. We started to talk about relationships and I told her, that next time I would like an open relationship, based on free will, trust, openness and respect. I said it might be, that I'd be "faithful" to a next partner, but it shouldn't be mandatory. She said quite clearly that she prefers a mono relationship. I was hesitant to ask, if she would like me to come with her. We remained that we would stay in contact one way or the other. I guess, she might want to start a relationship with me anyway and I would love it, too. But what should I do? Would it be fair?
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Old 03-13-2011, 01:11 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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hello and welcome to the forum. This is a tricky question and one I know VERY well There is much to be read on Poly/mono relationships on this forum. The choice is yours, but a decision might be more easily made after you read a bit and research on here. I suggest doing a tag search on here for "mono poly" and you will find lots to keep you informed for some time.
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Old 03-13-2011, 11:02 AM
Purpurea Purpurea is offline
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 44

She wants a mono relationship with you, right? And you said you could imagine being in a mono relationship but can't promise her to maintain it forever. She wants to be with you anyway. Just to make sure that I get you right.

That seems a bit risky to me. Like one of you might have to change his view if this relationship should last. Either you give up being poly, resp. don't live poly, or she learns to accept that you might want to live poly one day. Maybe she hopes that you will feel fulfilled in a relationship with her, so that you don't want another partner anyway? Or she hopes that she can learn to deal with it? I think, you should talk a little bit more about that.

It's up to you to set your priorities. Does being with this woman seem more rewarding to you than living a poly lifestyle?

For me it wouldn't. In mono relationships I have always come to the point where I felt like I was lying to myself and the person I'm with, that I couldn't be 100% who I am and had to hold back some of the love I have inside of me. Moreover I see no wrong in being and living poly, so I see absolutely no need for me to live mono, no matter how much my partner would want me to.

So if I were you, I would make it clear to her that living mono with her would simply reflect the current circumstances that there is no other person I'm close with at the moment. And that I will build up equally close relationships with others when given the opportunity. To make the relationship work for her, she should neither hope that I might never meet someone again that I wish to build up a close relationship with, nor that I might change my mind about poly. But that's just how I would handle the situation.
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Old 03-15-2011, 02:46 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Location: Oregon, USA
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Going just by the opening post, I would worry that she thinks she might be "the one" that makes you become mono with her, especially since you said you might be mono. I would worry that she'd work hard to be "so good he doesn't need anyone else" only to be crushed when you meet someone else, and she thinks she wasn't good enough.

I'd really be worried she'd say "yes" just because your polyamory doesn't seem concrete to her and she can just hope it will never come up. So I would suggest being extremely clear about that.

If she still wants to give it a try (and would be okay with you having other partners) then good, but I would make sure of that first to avoid something messy later on.
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Old 03-15-2011, 07:24 PM
jasminegld jasminegld is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 81

Invite her to visit this message board, or subscribe to the polymono email list for monogamous partners of polyamorous people. Then she can find out from other people in her situation what a poly/mono mixed relationship can be like.
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Old 03-18-2011, 03:09 AM
Imagination Imagination is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 51

Your comments were very helpful and I always like to hear your opinion.

I made some notes the past days, to learn about myself, what I can learn from the past and what is good for me and for everyone involved, now.

It happened before, this situation. Once I was going out with a woman, exactly the same beginning, I was very open to her and we had a very good time. She said, if you want to do something with this woman you told me about - a long time friend of mine - it's allright to me. But when I finally did it, she broke up, which was very sad for me. In similar situations, when I started something with someone else, either the first affair/ relationship was ended by my girlfriend or the relationship became stressful and jealousy was a big problem. Openness can't be underestimated and I suppose I didn't make my prefered lifestyle clear enough, because I wasn't so sure about it myself.
I guess now it's good for me to be a little patient, I'm quite happy and often really happy and I enjoy working on things with myself. I know a few women, who are not monogamous so much and who might be interested in me and I in them, why not? There is no hurry. And if I already had some affair or poly relationship with someone else, it would be much clearer for Johanna what it is all about.
Another point: With mono relationships, often people choose very fast (I did before, too) a steady relationship, because they think, may be the next day someone else takes her or him. It's a little bit like in the supermarket, when there is a special offer. With poly relationships or friendships it's different, isn't it?.
What I also did quite often: I just did or said certain things to please someone, to meet a partner's demands, not because I wanted to. Or I relinquished from some wishes that were important for me, like the option to love someone else more than just mentally. Of course, there have to be compromises, but in a mono relationship often both or one partners feel very strongly that they should meet most of the others requests. I guess in a poly relationship there can be more space for each person, not only for a second lover but also for hobbies and other adventures.
And in mono relationships there usually is the dream to stay together for a whole life and to be "faithful" which rarely happens and puts a lot of pressure on the affair. If two people agree to a poly relationship, there is still the option to stay together all the time and even be "faithful" may be, but without strict regulations. What I don't understand is, why respect and trust can't go this far.
A problem in poly relationships might be, if someone wants more time and attention than the other.
May be like a friend who contacts me quite often and says she would like to have someone she can lean on to. If it's me, I would say, I love to see her once in a while, but a very close and frequent long term relationship wouldn't work for me with her, because I don't feel that attracted to her and somehow she thinks on a level that often doesn't conect with me. It looks like, poly relationships are from the first look more complicated, yet finally there can be more openness, more honesty, needs get fulfilled in a better way and there is less arguments. Of course, it's up to both partners how it turns out, simply to say that one is poly doesn't mean very much. What matters is, how it is lived.
It looks like it is important to know one's desires and needs and to express them and act according to them., even if they might sound unusual. Sometimes we must experiment to find out
what is good for us. A problem is, that most of us - especially when love is involved - don't like to be criticized or repulsed and even if it only means , that the other has a different opinion or different preferences and there is nothing judgemental about it. The same way, many have problems to tell their viewpoint, when it interferes with the other person, because then we are afraid to be rejected, too. All this can lead to a vicious circle.
It's not so difficult, if we know how we would like to live! (May be sometimes there is a lack of intention, dreams and phantasies): The way I would like to be treated, is how I should treat someone else. Everything I give to myself as a gift and permit myself to do, I give to my lover as well. I rather do someone a favour because I love to give than because I feel I have to.
For me the point might be or might not be so much the desire to be intimate with another lover, but for sure it is to have the freedom to do so. For me, this shouldn't be a problem if two people are in love and trust each other. If this is not the case, I become very sceptical, is the other possesive or does she suspect that there is something wrong with me? Even though I belong to a minority, my world looks this way. Generally I don't like to tie myself down. I'm a very autonomous person, I have my own way of spending my time, I'm spontanous, I don't like planning too much, I like to meet very different people, I like to travel. On the other hand, I like to have a home and to have steady and deep relationships. What I experienced often in mono relationship was, that I felt restricted and my spontanity and creativty was reduced, my attitude and my point of view was questioned again and again in a neglecting way. I believe personal freedom and loyalty + love don't have to be mutually exclusive.
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