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Old 03-09-2011, 04:52 PM
bluevictoria bluevictoria is offline
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Default I hate it!!

I am miserable. I'm in a poly relationship by no choice of my own and I hate it. I also beginning to hate my boyfriend's nanny/housekeeper/mommy-wanna-be/girlfriend.

It's such a complicated situation and I have fallen in love with this dishonest man with a manipulative, mean nanny/housekeeper/mommy-wanna-be/girlfriend.

I don't even know why I'm posting this. Everytime I try to get the story written down so I can share it, I get so upset and hopeless that I don't bother.

I do not want to be poly. I do not want to be in a poly relationship. I do not want the nanny/housekeeper/mommy-wanna-be/girlfriend watching or participating in our intimacy. I do not want to be her friend. BUT, I can't seem to cut myself free from this man. I've tried at least 6 times....but I love him and am so physically attracted to him that I can't say no to him.

I am normally a very confident, assertive self-empowered woman. I've never let myself be in a hurtful relationship before.

I've tried talking to him about it, but he wants what he wants. I guess the next step is to talk to the nanny/housekeeper/mommy-wanna-be/girlfriend.

I keep trying to wait until I'm not hurting so I don't go off on her but I don't seem to have any pain free days. As I said before, the situation is extremely complicated and I'm at a loss of what to do. So are my friends. They are so tired of hearing about my mess and how I can't seem to get myself out of it.

I guess I'm throwing this out into the poly community to see if I can gain some clarity. Thanks for letting me vent.

OK...I realize I can't get any meaningful feedback without explaining the situation. I have to go to work now but I'll try to get some of the details here tonight.

Last edited by bluevictoria; 03-09-2011 at 05:03 PM. Reason: added more info
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Old 03-09-2011, 06:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bluevictoria View Post
It's such a complicated situation and I have fallen in love with this dishonest man with a manipulative, mean nanny/housekeeper/mommy-wanna-be/
girlfriend.
Are you sure what you have for him is love? You say he's dishonest and that you have tried to end it numerous times, but feel trapped in the situation. So what's really going on? What's going on must have to do with you, not him or the girlfriend. Otherwise, you'd just end it and go on with your life. Dependency isn't love -- you know that, right? What wound in your heart are you trying to work out in this situation? What's the real root of this?
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Old 03-09-2011, 07:13 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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This sounds so much more like an addiction than love... I agree with what River said.

Maybe you should take some much needed time alone to really map out what it is you truly want in life, then set guidelines for reaching those goals. Keeping in mind that you can't include anyone FOR SURE in the list, because each individual gets to make their own choices.

BUT-in my opinion, if you DON'T want to be there and you are that miserable, then it's not polyamory. It's hell and that's a silly place to put yourself-even for "love" and "attraction".

There's literally billions of men on this earth. But, if you want them to pay attention to you so that you can find one worth a shit, you have to care enough about you to be sure that you keep yourself inline with what makes you happy in life.

HUGS!
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Old 03-09-2011, 07:54 PM
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There's literally billions of men on this earth. But, if you want them to pay attention to you so that you can find one worth a shit, you have to care enough about you to be sure that you keep yourself inline with what makes you happy in life.
Just riffing off of the "happy" bit at the end here (quoted above).

It's important to be mindful that no one -- NO ONE! -- can "make" anyone happy. Happy relationships emerge when happy people come together and be happy together. (And not every moment along they way will feel like happiness, even then.)

If you want to be happy, be happy on your own, then share it when you can -- with another who also can be happy on their own. Otherwise, dependency rules the whole thing, which creates resentment, pain, suffering, confusion....
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Old 03-09-2011, 08:03 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by bluevictoria View Post
I guess the next step is to talk to the nanny/housekeeper/mommy-wanna-be/girlfriend.
Or to walk away with head held high that you're doing something that supports you.

I agree with River and LR. It doesn't sound like love to me. It sounds like addiction and dependency. You don't want to feel as crappy as this relationship makes you feel but you keep going back for more. You're like an addict. Love should have respect and caring as major components. You don't sound like he respects you, nor do you sound like you are respecting yourself by staying.

It sounds like your bf is in a relationship with someone who is taking advantage of him, too, by the way you describe her. Ick!

Walking away will be hard but you can do it.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 03-10-2011, 12:23 AM
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Or to walk away with head held high that you're doing something that supports you.

.
Please do this. Just walk.
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Old 03-10-2011, 12:43 AM
dragonshadow dragonshadow is offline
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Default common feelings

I'm also currently in a relationship that has turned into one of us wanting to be poly while the other doesn't. Where we are heading I dont know, I love her but don't know what do and niether does she. I've researched into this some and still don't know what to do. I do agree that you have to look inward and find out what it is you want and decide if by staying that you are or will get that if not you need to move on. As of now I think things are coming to a head with us and not sure if we will stay together or separate.
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Old 03-10-2011, 02:13 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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After reading the OP a few times, I can't help but think that the girlfriend/nanny is the established "alpha" relationship and blue victoria is the "interloper" in this scenario.

Of course, we have very little information and there are other sides to the story, blah blah, etc. But it really does sound like the OP is the piece of ass on the side and the other female is higher on the guy's to-do list.
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Old 03-10-2011, 03:02 AM
bluevictoria bluevictoria is offline
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Default as promised

I appreciate the comments and suggestions, Here are some of the details of my situation.

I'm a 51 yo woman, never married. I had been celibate for over 8 years due to chronic pain issues that made me a little crazy. I started getting some pain relief from a new treatment at the same time that my hormones started going crazy from perimenopause. My libido came back with a vengence. I would be so horny that it was painful.

I live in a rural area where most of the people are very sports oriented. I've gained weight (about 50 lbs) from inactivity due to my knee and back. Men did not see me....I was an invisible woman. So I turned to the internet to find a sex partner last year. I was not looking for a relationship...I was looking for a "fuck-buddy". I had no luck with my initial ad because the men would take one look at my statistics or photo and not be interested. For what it's worth, I'm still a beautiful woman even with the extra weight. Men looking for sex want young and thin partners here. And the few that didn't mind my age or weight wanted someone with no body hair anywhere. Somehow, while I was sitting home for 8 years, pubic hair had become unacceptable...what is up with that? That is one thing I will not do so no luck finding a partner with a straightforward ad.

I placed an ad asking if anyone liked older, thick and hairy women. I got tons of responses, including from K. I liked his humor, as he liked mine and we arranged to meet for lunch. We hit it off right away and became lovers. He told me he was a single dad....his wife had died in a car accident 5 years earlier and he was raising his daughter on his own. He told me his daughter was jealous of women so he couldn't bring anyone home. He told me his nanny was jealous of other women because she wanted to be the mommy but he wasn't in a relationship with her. So we snuck around and had the best sex either of us had ever had. I had been to his house several times and it seemed to me that there was no woman living there...no art on the walls, only his clothes in his closet, no decorations in the kitchen, etc. I'm not the snooping type so I never went looking where I wasn't invitied....call me trusting, call me naive, call me willfully blind.

This went on for 5 months when he stopped returning my emails and calls. I was obssessed/addicted to him at this point. I cried and grieved and finally starting moving on, dating other men. I found a new sex partner that was OK but no one will ever move me like K does.

A few months later, out of the blue, K contacts me and wants to see me. I was pretty angry about how he treated me but I accepted his lies and let him back in. The next day I get a phone call from some woman accusing me of fucking her husband. It's a good thing I was sitting down because I could not have been more stunned. Anyways, C proceeded to tell me that she was married to K and blah blah blah. She wanted me to just walk away and not contact K again. I gave her the benefit of doubt and told her that even though I had a very hard time believing her, that if it was true then I was sorry and would stay out of their lives. We talked for about 20 minutes and it ended with me wishing her luck. I immediately called K to see what was going on. He did not answer my calls or emails. I was DEVASTATED. I was so hurt I could hardly breathe. My friends helped me get through it, then a few weeks later he contacts me.

He tells me he's sorry about C and that she has fallen in love with him and did not react well when she realized he was seeing me again.

Anyways, we start seeing each other again...we can't seem to stay away from each other. Finally, the truth comes out slowly. He is in a relationship with her but he considers her to be a "fuck-buddy" even though she considers him to be HER man. Almost everything C told me in her phone call was a lie, including that he gave her an STD. So I took myself to the doc to get tested, costing me $144 because my insurance didn't cover it for nothing.

So then they want to have a 3-way with me. I say yes because I'd always been curious about that and I wanted to make K happy. The first 2 times it was OK because of the novelty. I soon realized that I am NOT bi-sexual and that I wan't enjoying C being involved. I've told K many times but he says it's the only way for us to be together. So I tried to be poly in that I tried to accept C as a part of my relationship with K. I can't do it anymore.

None of us are really happy but I can't seem to say goodbye. I am self-aware enough to know I am addicted and will never be happy with this situation. I am not, however, strong enough to say goodbye to this man.

Tomorrow I will tell him that I will no longer be involved with C. I don't even want to be her friend...if I had met her in a different situation, I never would have become friends with her. Just now I got an email from her inviting me to have a sex with them....she told me how much she loves it and how much she likes me.

I know I'm weak and self-destructive and self-indulgent. I think I justify my behavior to myself by saying that I was alone for so long that I deserve what happiness I can have with this man who absolutely rocks my world. I've met his daughter and we really hit it off but I see that he and P (the daughter) NEED C. She was there for them throughout the whole ordeal...she was the nanny before the wife died. She gave up her life to take care of K and P. She fully expects to be his woman. He has told me that if she left because of me, that P would be hurt too much. I agree. I see that they really do need her so it is up to me to step away.

I've tried, but I can't seem to say no to him when he begs me to come back. I don't know if what we feel for each other is real love, but I know that it is powerful and real.

So there is my story......

Last edited by bluevictoria; 03-10-2011 at 03:46 AM. Reason: Said mean things...trying to be a kinder person
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Old 03-10-2011, 12:35 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bluevictoria View Post
I am miserable. I'm in a poly relationship by no choice of my own and I hate it. I also beginning to hate my boyfriend's nanny/housekeeper/mommy-wanna-be/girlfriend.

It's such a complicated situation and I have fallen in love with this dishonest man with a manipulative, mean nanny/housekeeper/mommy-wanna-be/girlfriend.
Love isn't a ball and chain. You love someone you don't respect. You love someone in a relationship structure you don't like. Sounds like you should leave to me.

Quote:
I do not want to be poly. I do not want to be in a poly relationship. I do not want the nanny/housekeeper/mommy-wanna-be/girlfriend watching or participating in our intimacy. I do not want to be her friend. BUT, I can't seem to cut myself free from this man. I've tried at least 6 times....but I love him and am so physically attracted to him that I can't say no to him.
And he likely knows this. Its hard for someone to change if you are essentially owned.

Stop abusing yourself and figure out how to leave

Quote:
I guess I'm throwing this out into the poly community to see if I can gain some clarity. Thanks for letting me vent.
Vent away. My common line is "people that suck at relationships, suck at poly relationships too"... sounds like this guy isn't exactly the best seed for you, if you can't trust him.

I would also say, that you do need to work on yourself too. Everything said above is true. Its not his job to make you happy, its your job. Imagine the pressure on him to make you happy. Rather incredible when you think about it. If you aren't happy, can't be happy and he isn't doing the things that help you feel happy in the relationship.

Can you be happy in the existing relationship setup, with him not being concerned with your boundaries and doing as he sees fit while ignoring your wants and needs too?

Last edited by Ariakas; 03-10-2011 at 12:43 AM.
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