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Old 09-11-2009, 04:40 PM
jerry424 jerry424 is offline
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Default New to the board, need input

So I am (we are) new to polyamory, and I'd appreciate a little input on some issues I've been having, and to see if I'm all alone in this. First a little background, my GF and I have been together for 7 years, and are very happy. We decided to give poly a shot about 8 months ago. Mostly it was her idea, but I read up on it, and, at least on an intellectual level, it all makes sense to me. She met her boyfriend about 5 months ago, and that was OK, but now I'm having some issues. The first thing is they are knee deep in NRE, and I envy that. I do not fear loss, I know we are solid, but this makes me feel less.....everything. Less loved,desired,cared for, etc. I know it's not true, but I can't seem to get past it. I fear this may be pathological. I have always SUCKED at letting people I am involved with go their own way. I really hope I can find some advise on a way to work this out, as I will not make her end her relationship, even though she has said she would if I needed that. That would be a horrible thing to do.

So thats it for the most part, has anyone else dealt with these feelings? I could sure use some help.
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Old 09-11-2009, 04:46 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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So thats it for the most part, has anyone else dealt with these feelings? I could sure use some help.
Have you tried finding some one for yourself? If you are exploring poly why not get some of the NRE in your life? Then you can both share the excitement of new relationships.
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Old 09-11-2009, 04:49 PM
jerry424 jerry424 is offline
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I am, not entirely by choice, a stay at home dad with limited time to get out of the house, or access to the car. I also live in a dinky little town. That puts some things out of my reach a bit.
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Old 09-11-2009, 04:59 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Captain Obvious says:

How about letting babymomma stay home and YOU take the car and go have some fun-time?

It doesn't have to be a "date". Just go to the mall or go bowling or something. How did SHE "find" a boyfriend? Maybe HE knows some nice ladies for you to meet.
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Old 09-11-2009, 04:59 PM
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not entirely by choice, .
I've got a few alarm bells going off. If your partner has time to go out why is there no time for you? I ask this because the situation where a couple explores poly and time allocation becomes very unbalanced when one partner finds someone is not uncommon. The simple truth of the matter is that women have an easier time finding someone as well. That is just a fact of statistics.

You do not want to become the babysitter while she is out having fun all the time. This will inevitably lead to resentment of poly and probably her as well. Sit down with her and work some you time out. Even if it is not time that you spend with someone else. This could be time for you to go have coffee or start a hobby. Create a balance so you are getting something out of this as well.
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Old 09-11-2009, 05:02 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Mono and I agree as usual.
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Old 09-11-2009, 05:22 PM
jerry424 jerry424 is offline
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Ok, more info. She is the breadwinner here, and works 3 swings and 2 graves. So the car is pretty unavailable. The "not by choice" part is solely a monetary thing, if I worked we'd make too much on paper, and not enough in reality. She isn't going out, because her BF and his kid lost job, housing, car, all at once, so they are here, at our house, for a month or so. I do intend to go out after she gets the car home, but, you're damn right about women having an easier time of finding someone. Ah, well...
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Old 09-14-2009, 05:21 PM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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Hi Jerry,

Do you have any interest in pursuing other relationships? Just curious, because a little NRE of your own might help ease your feelings about her boyfriend.

I am in an equilateral triad, where we are all involved sexually and romantically. However, I still - to a limited extent - understand some of what you're describing. I have struggled some where sex is concerned (and have posted about that at length), because she is still new to him and we've been together for ten years. I sometimes feel like I'm "old" (and thanks to a high sex drive, also always available) and therefore less desirable.

Like you, I know my relationship with him is rock solid. What we know and what we feel, however, are not always the same thing.

So, here's what I've been doing. When my partners have alone time, I've been finding uses for that ME time. I do things they don't generally like to do. I find ways to occupy my time. I am still struggling. I still feel a big sense of anxiety when they have alone time. I have some serious abandonment issues. Everyone I've ever loved (or thought I did) has left me in some way, except for my husband (and so far, our GF). So, I think, despite knowing I'm secure with him, I'm getting some of that stirred up by the newness of our relationship with her.

All I can say is, use this forum to vent when you need to, and talk to your girl as openly as possible. I recently told them both, look, I'm still struggling with anxiety when you two have alone time. Right now, I *need* to know if they've had sex. I have NO idea why, but NOT knowing is worse than anything - I think because I am utterly out of control over what they do with their time (and should be, because it's not about me). I hope to eventually get to a point where I don't care and don't ask (or ask just because it's kind of hot to hear about it, lol).

I told them that this is NOT about anything they're doing wrong, or anything I think they will do wrong. I don't think they're talking about me (at least not often or in a bad way), and I don't think they like sex with each other more than with me... I worried about these things at first, but now I don't. But I still feel anxious. So, some nights when they finish alone time, I need a few minutes to compose myself before I can deal with being in the same room with them - not because I'm angry or hurt by them, but just because I need that time to process.

I am about as in touch with and as honest with my feelings as I can be... some things they don't need to hear (like when I'm being really crazy and thinking the worst). That's when I come here to work through my feelings and sort them out so that I understand them better and can better present them to my loves if I need to - and sometimes I do, but other times, I really don't. I just need to think out loud.
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Old 09-14-2009, 08:32 PM
jerry424 jerry424 is offline
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Well, yeah, I would like to explore another relationship, at least in theory. In practice, circumstances are going to make that very difficult. I just don't know anyone in this area, poly or not. And it seems that this experience has brought out some issues within myself that I feel like I'd need to work on before putting myself out there for anyone else. Thanks for sharing, though. I feel a lot of those things you described.
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Old 09-15-2009, 01:08 AM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jerry424 View Post
Well, yeah, I would like to explore another relationship, at least in theory. In practice, circumstances are going to make that very difficult. I just don't know anyone in this area, poly or not. And it seems that this experience has brought out some issues within myself that I feel like I'd need to work on before putting myself out there for anyone else. Thanks for sharing, though. I feel a lot of those things you described.
I agree with you on that... there are a lot of issues I have unresolved and never realized because my relationship was all about me and him. With another woman in it, all those insecurities resurfaced.

I have no regrets, but I would definitely caution anyone I know that it is NOT always easy, especially at first. I think out of all of us, I was the most realistic in terms of that, but it meant that my husband, especially was quite surprised by my issues (and some of hers, frankly).

It provides amazing chances for self-growth if you are someone willing to see things about yourself that are not easy to see... and willing to put in the effort to sort those things out in your head and with your beloved(s).
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