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Old 03-06-2011, 05:29 AM
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Default Poly Surprises?

My biggest surprise about being poly is the reality that one relationship doesn't "make up" for the others. This hit me after one of my relationships ended abruptly due to things outside my control. I was absolutely devastated and inconsolable.

I had assumed for some reason that the existence of these other deep connections would cushion the blow. Nope. If it did, not by much. The pain I felt was the loss of the UNIQUE connection itself. The depth and number of additional connections could not account for the loss of the one. And so, the pain was as deep and wrenching as it was before Poly.

What has been your biggest Poly surprise?
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Old 03-06-2011, 05:56 AM
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I think the biggest surprise for me was how much more comfortable I am with Maca and how much more in love with him I am now.

I knew I loved him. I knew I didn't want to leave. But I don't think I had a clue exactly HOW damaging my attempt at being "mono" was to our relationship.

Being able to be real with him has allowed me to feel more loving and more loved by him. I feel more secure and more confident about myself, less self-conscious....

In fact, I was always worried about the other "hot" women he could be looking at-even though I knew he wouldn't cheat and I knew he loved me. I figured he was here more out of obligation.

Now, I FEEL his love, his attraction to me, his desire... and I feel that way towards him... I feel more free TO allow myself to feel those feelings towards him... almost like before, if I did, I was fostering the "attack" upon my true self...
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Old 03-06-2011, 11:00 PM
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I have never thought of myself as pretty or anything, closer to average so finding someone else who thinks I'm pretty was pretty amazing.
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Old 03-06-2011, 11:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Breathesgirl View Post
I have never thought of myself as pretty or anything, closer to average so finding someone else who thinks I'm pretty was pretty amazing.
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Old 03-07-2011, 06:36 AM
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The biggest surprise for me has been how good I can be at time management, looking after myself in terms of energy levels and how content I can be.

I guess another huge one is that I am not an island. What I do and say affects people in ways I don't even know. I have to be considerate at all times of everyone around me. Something that I have grown to see is of biggest importance in poly after communication in terms of needs and information. Empathy/compassion/consideration.... HUGE!
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Old 03-07-2011, 09:36 PM
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I suck at time management. Trying hard to improve on that front. It is important.

Being mindful of the impact that we have on others is a really hard one to keep in mind. It's easy to practice poly as hyper-individualistic freedom. But, it seems that there's is so much you lose without extending your depth of connection across your network. But, if you do, you get to see more closely how your behavior, decisions, etc. ripple across.

Love it guys. Thanks for the insight.

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Old 03-10-2011, 08:02 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MindfulAgony View Post
My biggest surprise about being poly is the reality that one relationship doesn't "make up" for the others. This hit me after one of my relationships ended abruptly due to things outside my control. I was absolutely devastated and inconsolable.
I would agree with this. Also, for me, in the same light, if I am interested in having some time with one, the other can't just slide into that slot. Its very discernible in my head. Although that is something I am trying to work on.
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Old 03-10-2011, 08:12 PM
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I would agree with this. Also, for me, in the same light, if I am interested in having some time with one, the other can't just slide into that slot. Its very discernible in my head. Although that is something I am trying to work on.
Very interesting and so very true. Being attuned to our changing moods, passions and need to feel someone's particular energy (is that the underlying need behind "I miss you"?) is important and seems like people too often overlook it and its implications for who we spend our time with.

Thanks Ariakas. That's got me really thinking...
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-Pema Chodron

Last edited by MindfulAgony; 03-10-2011 at 08:32 PM. Reason: grammar as usual :-)
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Old 03-10-2011, 08:27 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by MindfulAgony View Post
Very interesting and so very true. Being attuned to our changing moods, passions and need to feel someone's particular energy (as that the underlying need behind "I miss you"?) is important and seems like people too often overlook it and its implications for who we spend our time with.

Thanks Ariakas. That's got me really thinking...
Thats absolutely the case. I guess its on par with how sometimes couples don't mesh. One may be interested in the other, but one is not in the mood. Who knows..

Poly makes it infinitely more complex.
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Old 03-15-2011, 07:02 PM
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I guess I thought at some point the realities of everyday life would grind away that miraculous feel it has to it when you find your soul mate and then the two of you find somebody who fits into that like they were made for it.

Nope. Still whacks me upside the head at the randomest moments, even after all these years. Wouldn't have it any other way, either.
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