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Old 03-05-2011, 01:53 AM
bostonwife bostonwife is offline
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Boston
Posts: 7
Default Trying to figure out where to go from here

My husband and have been married for over a year, but we've been together for over 5. At the same time we are only 21. In the past past five months our ideas on sex have drastically changed. We've gone from totally monogamous, to having a limited wife swap with a close couple, to contemplating polyamory. It scary and exciting at the same time. The unsure part is how is this going to effect our life. Will we be able to stay together and be happy? We both want children, how will polyamory effect this? I'm also worried that I won't be able to not be jealous if we enter into a relationship due to insecurity. I guess I'm just looking for insight from people who've been in similar situations. Should we go ahead, or play it on the conservative side?
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Old 03-05-2011, 02:55 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

only you can answer that question.

The best advice I can give is deal with your insecurities becuase regardless of what you do with your relationship boundaries, insecurities are a pain in the ass.

"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 03-05-2011, 01:49 PM
bostonwife bostonwife is offline
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Boston
Posts: 7
Default In Addition

I guess I was just wanting to get it out, I haven't talked about it to anyone. It's a hard topic to bring up to people. Eventually, I will make the decision. In part I already have. I'm currently in France for 3 month due to school. I've given him free rein for the most part. I guess my insecurities lie in not being the primary even though I'm married to him, secondary would suck. So I'm not sure how to fix this emotion. Maybe it's not necessary to, but at the same time stuff happens. Even if we have the best intention. He might fall in love someone who becomes more important. This is also where I'm afraid that I wouldn't be able to control jealousy, not the physical part but the emotional.
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Old 03-05-2011, 03:37 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Relationships when you're young are usually very emotional and tend to be full of drama. Relationships when you are just married are challenging. I would say to keep building security and strength in your marriage before you take the plunge into full-on polyamorous situations. Read about it, talk with your hubs about it, but I don't think you need to act upon anything before you're ready or if there's any instability in any area of your marriage. Make sure you have a stable foundation to which you can return if an additional relationship goes kablooey.
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Old 03-05-2011, 07:38 PM
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Mahogany Mahogany is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Atlantic, GA
Posts: 80

I agree with Nycindie.....I would slow down a bit and try and figure out why the need for others? As young adults....being 21 is usually a natural time to explore. To find yourself, to grow and become the person you are going to become.

Really communicate and try and understand your desires behind it all.....and be as honest with yourselves as possible. At the same time, build a very strong connect through honesty and caring for each other and supporting each other....and compromise and sacrificing for each other.

I am new to this as well....and what has helped me is what I call a "Trial and Error".....I didn't intend it to be that, but it turned into that when I set boundaries I THOUGHT I was ok with (then after the experience I realized I had to re-set things because I was hurt by his actions).....Give a little at a time, or a lot at first the change and modify until you feel ok with things.

You may still feel scared and insecure.....but boundaries for me have become a safety net....."water-wings" I am using before I am ready to take the plunge

Boundaries and this family (the people her at Polyamory.com) have been my safety net

I have also learned that there is going to be some growing pains along the way...
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Old 03-05-2011, 07:54 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

There is no reason this can't work with a solid foundation and mutually understood and negotiated boundaries...

I suggest looking at some threads here and reading up before setting forth. Do a tag search, "lessons" "foundations" is a good place to start,,, and "jealousy" Then branch out and read everything that is of interest.

Educate yourself and keep communicating honestly. If you are meant to be together you will be, if you are meant to achieve all the goals you have laid out, you will, there is no knowing what the future will hold, but you can at least be as prepared as you possibly can be.
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jealousy, marriage

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