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  #1  
Old 09-07-2009, 12:58 PM
kinkyshoes kinkyshoes is offline
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Default Angry GF problem

Hi all!

I've read the forums for a while but been lurking and learning

My partner and I are both 34, lesbians and have been together for 7 years. We have a 2 1/2 year old son. We've been pretty fluid around the openness of our relationship at various times and had the usual assosciated problems with it being fluid and therefore non-negotiated much of the time which of course leads to heartache. But generally we've had a very strong relationship and have weathered the ups and downs really well.

We recently moved from a large city to a small town where we know very few people. It's been a difficult time and we've had some r/ship problems around my partner drinking/drugging/staying out all night and not sticking to any boundaries which is totally new to me. These problems have been witnessed by our friends. Recently my partner said to me she was feeling suffocated in our r/ship and wanted to open things up and I agreed. That has led to much more negotiation and her starting to adhere to boundaries instead of acting rebellious and stupid so even though it breaks the "rules" of having a really good, strong thing going and then opening up it has instead taken our r/ship problems and fixed quite a few of them.

Now my partner has a special friend who she has been seeing who I really like and am close to. And I started becoming very close to a woman who is partnered and in a relationship that has very strict boundaries about her playing outside of it. One of the rules in their r/ship is no playing with anyone from the town we live in. Now I was equal friends with this woman (T) and her partner (K), but in recent times her partner has been extremely busy with work/study things and T and I became very very close and flirting heavily. We've had a bit of a kiss and cuddle but we both agreed that we would back off so she could negotiate permission to sleep with me once her partners study thing ended. T has cheated on K in the past and we agreed that the cheating thing is not on so we would only move ahead if K agreed.

Well T went to K to ask permission/ renegotiate the boundaries and K has absolutely flipped out and sent me abusive text messages accusing me of seducing her girlfriend and being a liar and bad friend. She also wrote terrible things about my primary relationship and accused me of only being interested in her girlfriend to "sop up my misery" in my primary r/ship. She says that I knew their "no locals" rule and that I've shown her dreadful disrespect. I have since spoken to her and said I don't disrespect her - that I did not have sex with her partner and that I had discussed with her partner that if she wanted to renegotiate their boundaries then that was their business and I would not be involved sexually with her until they did. But basically, she still hates me.

I guess I'm asking where to from here? I have very strong feelings for this woman. We have an amazing friendship with much of our time together based on family events with her kids and my family and friends (including my partners lover). I would hate to lose her friendship and will be devastated if we can't spend time together. I have strong romantic feelings towards her, but mainly we are just very close friends who support and care for each other. Her partner is furious and apparently the fighting at their place is dreadful over this. But her partner also leaves for a month overseas in 3 days time which will mean I can spend as much time with T as I like until her return.

Should I be avoiding spending time with T while her GF is overseas? I'm concerned our strong feelings will spill over into sex which goes against our original intention of openness and honesty. And I'm also worried that our relationship will become even stronger and then T may be forced to choose between leaving their pretty much mono relationship to pursue poly (her preference) or to have no relationship with me at all and stay in her mono. T has already told me that she's always been able to compartmentalise sexual relationships separate to her primary r/ship but that she has really intense feelings for me that make her want more of me all the time. We spark on such a deep and intense level I haven't felt something like this since I met my partner. I'm currently staying away from them while they sort things out in the time leading up to her GF going overseas.

I'm feeling very confused. I thought we had done the right thing by sticking to flirting with each other until things could be negotiated but now I've been painted as a "scarlet woman". I'm feeling very guilty for all the trouble this has caused them, but also I'm dreadfully missing my friend and longing to be in contact with her.

Any advice offered I'd be grateful for! Should I run away from this whole thing until they sort it out? Or should I stay close to the woman I have such a close connection with and ride out the storm?

ETA: Before T asked for negotiation around sleeping with me, K had already asked for a "free pass" to fuck whomever she pleased during her O/S travels and was given it.

Last edited by kinkyshoes; 09-07-2009 at 01:13 PM. Reason: Forgotten point
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  #2  
Old 09-07-2009, 02:53 PM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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Wow... you are definitely in a tough position.

I think that K & T have relationship issues that have nothing to do with you and T. K obviously dominates that relationship, and it sounds like she tends to want what she wants but not give any in return. She cheated on T. She has been given a free pass to have sex while she is overseas, but she doesn't plan to extend that courtesy to her gf? That seems just wrong. Did she give T any permission and it's just because it's you, and there are emotions involved? Or was it a flat our refusal - just an "I get to do this, but you don't" situation?

In all honesty, I would suggest that you back away from T a bit, to give her some time to sort out her relationship. I don't believe it sounds all that healthy, but she has to realize that for herself, if it's the case. Regardless, the feelings the two of you have for each other will probably only make it a harder decision for her. It may push her in a direction she otherwise wouldn't go in, and that might lead to resentment between the two of you later. Do T & K have kids together? Because that also would be a challenge, since they'd still need to see each other.

Do you think that you'd have been open to feeling what you do for her if not for your partner's behavior that led to the relationship being opened up? I'm just curious. Is your partner no longer drinking and using drugs? Because that would be a major concern for me given the child involved. It also almost sounds like she was putting you in a hostage situation... she acted out like a teenager and demanded a major change in your relationship - which you granted because it seemed honestly the better choice, between that and the behavior she'd been exhibiting, or just walking away from what had been a strong relationship.

I can see why you and T would be drawn together, given the fact that both of your existing relationships seem to have their troubles. I am glad things with your partner are better, and if you are truly happy in the open relationship, then that is wonderful. It's not that I don't believe it can work, I'm just a little hesitant to say that it IS working, given how it came about and given the intense feelings you have for T now, who is also in a challenging situation with her partner.
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Old 09-07-2009, 02:55 PM
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Rarechild Rarechild is offline
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Hello, Kinkyshoes.

Quite a story. My two cents- your friend T needs to work this out with her girlfriend to a place where they are satisfied with the terms before you become physically intimate with her if you are to uphold your intentions of being open and honest all around. It sounds to me like it is important to you to do this.

If they have not agreed, then you should stay friends until they do one way or another. If I was you, I'd stay friends while the gf is gone (whom you also described as your friend) and when she gets back all of you can re-evaluate the situation. Respecting their relationship in the interim will show the gf that you are above board and care about her feelings,- that you are not willing to cheat or using T because your own relationship is lacking.

If you do this behind gf's back, it could really blow up in your face- as you said- T may have to choose when gf gets back, and you may be hurt. My computer is about to run out of battery so I'll leave it at that for now. I hope you find the best answer for you.
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Last edited by Rarechild; 09-07-2009 at 11:55 PM. Reason: miswrote names
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  #4  
Old 09-07-2009, 02:59 PM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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From what you are writing, it seems that T and K have a very unbalanced relationship, with K calling all the shots and T left unhappy. Are they into poly relationships, or is the open relationship model about sex only and not emotional attachment? Perhaps the emotions T feels for you are the big threat here. Also, Ts former cheating (how has she "cheated" in an open relationship?) may still be having repercussions of mistrust for K.

This really doesn't sound like an issue you can have much say in. If your partner is alright with this and you and T know your feelings, it is in Ts hands. She has to decide what it is she wants-you or K or both-and work towards that. By expressing your feelings, being honest, staying within the boundaries they set so far, and talking to K even after the abuses, you have done pretty much all you can. The remaining issues are theirs to face. All you can do is step back as far as you're comfortable and hope they work it out. I wouldn't stop a friendship based on a jealous gf if I could help it, but wouldn't push the boundaries of that friendship either. Not while the negative effects are still so intense.
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Old 09-07-2009, 03:38 PM
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River River is offline
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K sounds, in your story, as if she's one of the sort who don't mind "letting" their partner have sex with faraway strangers with whom there will be no ongoing emotional connection, but who must create elaborate obstacles which prevent their partner from forming other loverly bonds. Many couples seem to have worked out a deal which allows for "just sex" -- and that only in other towns, far away (to be sure that no closeness could develop). For one or both members of such couples, it is outside emotional bonding that is verboten. And it is verboten, generally, because of intense insecurity. Such people may one day evolve into beings capable of polyamory, but they aren't there yet.

As long as K and T are together, romantically, you're probably looking at a LOT of drama if you should like to be even so much as a close friend with T. Some folks just LOVE drama, but I find it ... well, boring. Affection and love and joy and peace?--these are not boring at all, not to me.
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Last edited by River; 09-07-2009 at 03:43 PM.
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Old 09-07-2009, 04:39 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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My advice is quite simple: run far away from the situation. Anything with that much drama involved is trouble...big Trouble with a capital T.

K and T obviously have major issues. The important point to keep in mind is that T is as much part of the problem as K. She's enabling all of K's drama, which indicates that she gets something from it--and she's likely going to try to get that sort of drama from you, should you get involved deeply.

It's not just an indication that their relationship isn't very good, it's an indication that each of them isn't in shape for a serious relationship.

I also suspect that your partner is struggling with depression. The move from the city to the smaller place appears to have left her reeling. While what you've done may be helping, I think she could probably benefit from a bit of counseling, too, so you may want to explore that with her (and some couples counseling, perhaps).

Keep your stick on the ice. We're all pulling for you.
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Old 09-07-2009, 05:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SeventhCrow View Post
The important point to keep in mind is that T is as much part of the problem as K. She's enabling all of K's drama, which indicates that she gets something from it--and she's likely going to try to get that sort of drama from you, should you get involved deeply.

It's not just an indication that their relationship isn't very good, it's an indication that each of them isn't in shape for a serious relationship.
I had all of the same thoughts as SeventhCrow on this one, but held back on some of it. Now that Crow's saying it, I want to let y'all know that I am in complete agreement with Crow.

Some folks just gotta have lots of drama in their lives, so if it's drama you want, go for it. But if it is peace and love and joy you want, you might try another berry patch.
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  #8  
Old 09-07-2009, 10:06 PM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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I am in total agreement with SeventhCrow...

"K and T obviously have major issues. The important point to keep in mind is that T is as much part of the problem as K. She's enabling all of K's drama, which indicates that she gets something from it--and she's likely going to try to get that sort of drama from you, should you get involved deeply.

It's not just an indication that their relationship isn't very good, it's an indication that each of them isn't in shape for a serious relationship."

That's basically where my thoughts were going. If she is willing to settle for a relationship that doesn't seem especially fair or healthy, there is a reason for that... and it is probably going to result in drama that you, your partner and your child do not need in your lives, especially as you're coping with the issues your partner faced following the move.
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