coming out

[wildforager]

Well, it was tough, but I came out of the closet this past week. I could not take it anymore. Monogamy was killing me. I cannot live that kind of lifestyle. Yes, it would have been much easier if I had realized that in the beginning, I know.

I've been married for over 10 years and have one child with the person. So far it isn't looking very good and may end in divorce. My SO has brought up divorce in the past few months for other unrelated reasons. We've always really just been good friends, and not really much more. I have always been faithful, and a genuinely honest/kind person. However, I have not been being true to myself, and can not do it anymore.

People already think I am crazy because I am basically a raw vegan too. This should really add some interesting stuff to the mix.

The minute I decided to come out, I instantly started to feel better about myself. It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. All anger, resentment, and ill feelings just dissipated.

Once I spoke up and told my SO, I felt even better than I did just thinking about it. It took me so much courage, and must have been the most difficult thing I have ever done in my entire life. The anticipation damn near killed me. I do feel pretty bad for my SO.

So now what do I do?

[Catfish]

Breath deep and keep talking about it with people you trust.

By the by, this forum is full up with trustworthy folks that love to listen.

[wildforager]

Well, it seems to be going a little better today.

The one thing I find everyone has difficulty understanding is that it isn't really not about sex. That is always the first thing that people blurt out. People really don't understand. The good thing is that my sister has a similar relationship with her husband so I have a family member to talk to about it.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by wildforager

The one thing I find everyone has difficulty understanding is that it isn't really not about sex.

While true polyamory is not all about sex...don't try to convince anyone that it isn't about sex at all.

Sex is generally the big issue. Having closeness with someone is usually not a big deal with people but when it involves getting naked, that is where immediate, primal, and usually undescribable reactions occur.

The one thing I find is that so many people almost try to gloss over the sex when talking about poly.

Be patient and clear...what do you really want from your significant other? Do you love them or are you engaged in an obligatory relationship for the sake of your child? If you don't love them, move on. If you do love them, give them some time...this is huge!

[wildforager]

I do love her very much. She is generally a very understanding person too. However, I can understand that this is a bit shocking. I totally think we could have a wonderful relationship through all of this. From my point of view there is no reason to get a divorce. We did take a vow through better, and worse. I can totally understand if she doesn't agree with that anymore.

I totally understand if she wants a divorce, and I will support her 100%, but I would much rather stay married and work through it if she is willing.

Today she asked me if I was dating anyone. I was like, that is a bit sudden. I told her no, but I did meet some women that I am very interested in having a relationship with.

[XYZ123]

I'm glad you have come out and are feeling better. However, I do feel bad for your wife in this situation. This is a big deal. If you and she don't want a divorce, take it slow and talk everything out. Put off any other relationships for the time being until you get the issues of the first settled, regardless of who you've met and are interested in. "I am poly and would like to be open to others" is hard enough without adding "and this is who they are and I'd like to date them now".