Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 03-01-2011, 05:51 PM
PickMoreDaisies PickMoreDaisies is offline
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 37
Default Need a Z not a V

I've been pretty patient, supportive, encouraging and even help write his pof/okcupid profiles. He has girls interested in him but he seems unwilling to take further steps to actually meet up with people. I have an on/off relationship with a mono guy. When we are 'on' again my husband completely stops looking for anyone, won't date or talk about dating. He claims that it is too stressful to deal with me seeing someone and he can't focus on looking for someone for himself. I empathized with this position and have stopped dating for over a year now in the hopes of giving him a chance to find something that works for him. He hasn't, or won't? I took the time to focus on myself...thinking that I would need those skills should he enter into something with someone else, after all who is above feeling lonely or the dreaded jealous....

Here I am again...with the long time on/off bf suggesting something more....that's another thread under poly dating a mono.....

I'm a pretty patient person. I think of relationships as marathons not sprints and I expect that I will be with my husband for many years so I'm not concerned with rushing anything. However, I'm starting to feel like he just isn't dating anyone so that I won't. Some one-penis policy gone bad. I think he always thought that he would be the one with other relationships, not that he has a problem in theory with me dating as well, I say "in theory". Or that he's stuck on some unicorn fantasy. Even though he's not bi, he became very distraught when my relationship with my bf started having elements that didn't include him. Also, it bothers him when I look for men to date, as if because I am bi I should only look for women????

He claims that he wants poly, maybe we have different versions of what we want. I'm fine with a V, I'd be better with a Z....he only seems to want a polyfitriad =(

At this point he has just started shutting down on me...as if not talking about it proves that he is ok with things. This just hurts because we have always been talkers. I just wish that he would take some steps to finding what he wants. How can I push him out of the nest so to speak?
Reply With Quote
Old 03-01-2011, 07:15 PM
Carnita Carnita is offline
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 10

Are you quite sure that he isn't just mono? It's a perfectly dignified way to be...really, guys...

I know that my hubs and I will have this same problem later on, though. I get it. It's easier said than done to just honor the other person's orientation on the mono/poly spectrum and let each other be ourselves. For instance, despite the wisdom of intending to do that, I know my hubs feels like he should try to push himself to see other people if I am going to do that, and I know that his desire to do so is a little less than genuine. So I hear your side, but it seems like he may be less than willing to be poly himself. (Like I'm thinking my husband might eventually realize about himself.)

So why do you think it needs to be a Z to work? Do you think it would help distract him from his feelings about you dating other people?
Reply With Quote
Old 03-01-2011, 07:32 PM
PickMoreDaisies PickMoreDaisies is offline
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 37

Probably yes, I would like him to have his own "distraction" prior to me dating again. He gets to feeling like he will never find someone or that we began this poly part of our relationship and I'm the only one actually being poly. I love him but isn't that just like a great big pity party?? He gets ridiculously happy when other women are interested in him....he just can't focus on them if i'm also dating.....???

Maybe I am looking for some evidence that he actually wants to pursue this relationship choice. I would be fine if he said he didn't want to date anyone...it's the apparent facade I have a problem with. And the use of his not having a relationship to deter me from dating. If he said he didn't want me to date anyone I would actually be fine with it...we did 7 years without it. He seems very happy about the idea that he is finally free to be who he 'is'...poly....just not actively seeking another relationship. And I would even be fine if he said that he wasn't interested right now in looking for another woman but to say that he can't focus on it while I am dating anyone puts me in a difficult position.

So really I guess I just want him to make some choices and no matter what I say he remains vague...
Reply With Quote
Old 03-01-2011, 07:49 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,703

Stop pushing. If he really WANTS to date, he will. There is a difference between being ok with this type of relationship and actually wanting to put the effort into dating other people. Halting your own relationships, just so he can feel comfortable dating is not healthy either.

If he says he's ok with you having a b/f then believe him. If you see a problem between the two of you, then work on fixing the actual problem, such as communication.

He gets ridiculously happy when other women are interested in him....he just can't focus on them if i'm also dating.....???
Maybe for right now it's enough for him to just be comfortable receiving the attention without having to focus on more complicated dynamics. I know guys that really enjoy sitting in a group of women just flirting, even if they have no intention on dating any of the women. I also know a LOT of women that would have a hissy fit if they "caught" their men doing that.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-2011, 06:41 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

Sorry, I'm confused. Why does he have to do what you do? Why does he have to be pushed out of the nest? He is his own man and can do things his own way I think.

PN and I are completely different in how we date and find others... I don't even know what he does. It isn't my business and if someone comes along that is interesting and he is excited about, I know he will tell me. That is all that needs to happen. Meanwhile I do my thing, he does his. I give him advice and guidance from my own experience but he doesn't have to take it or even ask me for it... often he doesn't.

He hasn't dated since last summer and shows no signs of getting on it. He is just not into it for now... with your man, why not leave him alone to do his own flying and get on with what you want to do. I don't see how his lack of dating has anything to do with you... ?
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Old 03-02-2011, 11:41 AM
Catfish Catfish is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: America's High Five
Posts: 300

My wife began her relationship with Charlie in earnest about five months ago. In that time I have had a few opportunities to date but I've chosen not to. The reason is pretty simple for me. I have two criteria for engaging with someone outside my marriage. 1. I will not do it as a reaction to my wife's relationship. 2. I will not do it at the expense of the person I'm interested in. That is to say that I while processing the crush of emotions I'm feeling, I find it better not to involve more potential instability. Also, I can't really see myself being very attractive to anyone while mired in jealousy. Not very sexy. As luck would have it though, I feel like the haze of uncertainty is lifting. RC and I have worked very diligently on ourselves, our relationship(s) and making each other feel as loved and supported as possible.

Allow him time and support. Maybe introduce him to all the lovely folks on this forum. Be yourself and let him do the same. I would also avoid throwing around labels like mono and poly just yet. Let things happen naturally.

Al the best to you both.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 11:08 AM.