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Old 08-26-2009, 08:35 PM
WhatDoIDoNow WhatDoIDoNow is offline
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Default Proposing polyamory to a partner for the 1st time. Merged Threads, General Discussion

I am so new to this and even the term of polyamory I am completely open to trying it in my marriage of 6 years. We are a strong couple together, enjoy being around each other, and have 2 kids together.

My questions is how to I introduce the idea to him with out hurting him? I think he is insecure so I don't want to come off as sounding like he isn't satisfying me...help....
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Old 08-26-2009, 08:54 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Welcome to the boards.

If you're in the habit of speaking freely about all subjects, just begin talking. I view additional relationships as expanding my life and making for more good things for me and mine, so I'd speak of it in those terms--nobody's losing anything and instead gaining a good deal.

I'll also suggest sorting out exactly what it is the two of you require from a relationship for it to be worthwhile and discussing how to make certain you provide that for each other while adding other people to the mix. That goes a long way to addressing fears of loss.
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Old 08-26-2009, 09:03 PM
WhatDoIDoNow WhatDoIDoNow is offline
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Thanks for the reply, it was helpful. My unfortunate biggest concern is how to open up that discussion with him without him wanting to immediately ask for a divorce?
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Old 08-26-2009, 09:19 PM
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vandalin vandalin is offline
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Welcome to the forums.

Well hopefully you are exaggerating on the "immediate divorce" comment because if that is truly an issue, there are other problems to be dealt with first. You also mention that you are a "strong couple together", does that mean that if you or he went away for a week or even just over night there are problems?

I broached the subject with my husband by joking about wanting a harem (of men), but that fit with our situation and may not work in your case. Chances are that unless he has been harboring similar desires, he will feel slightly hurt and insecure. Then you have to reassure him how much you love him and want to spend your life with him and your family and this poly desire has nothing to do with how you feel about him. After that depends on his reaction.

Good luck!
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Old 08-26-2009, 09:29 PM
WhatDoIDoNow WhatDoIDoNow is offline
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Thanks vandalin. Yes the "immediate divorce" response was an exagerration LOL. Your suggestion did give me an idea of how to approach it...more informally at first I think is the best approach. Now I need to find what to joke about...I hope his reaction is positive or at least not completely negative.

Thanks for your good luck wishes!
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Old 08-26-2009, 09:39 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vandalin View Post
Well hopefully you are exaggerating on the "immediate divorce" comment because if that is truly an issue, there are other problems to be dealt with first.
I'm going to wear it for this, butů.
I don't see asking for an immediate divorce as being too harsh if you are in an established and agreed upon monogamous relationship. Vows are not just words during a marraige ceremony. That is why I would be very careful in saying them.

Once the seed of "I am not enough for my partner" has been planted, it can't be erased in some people. I would be one of those. I know if my ex wife had of asked to explore polyamory with another man during the good years of our marriage I would have left. She did explore a possible relationship with another woman, and due to the sexual aspect of her being with another woman I was prepared to deal with it until they spent a night together. I lost it, but luckily during the night she decided it was not what she wanted. If it had of been another guy, I would never have gotten passed it. I would have left.

I know not all people would react this way, but I do not consider it an unreasonable response nor do I believe does the vast majority.
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Old 08-26-2009, 09:48 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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I have a tendency to repeat myself when someone brings up the topic of how to introduce the idea of opening up a closed relationship.

First figure out exactly what you are looking for and work on vocalizing it. I suggest writing your thoughts on paper so you can read them and see if it makes sense. Be specific if this is a want or a need. If you don't get a want you probably won't die or end up doing something that will jeopardize your relationship.
If you deny a need however, you may end up unhealthy and not fulfilled in life which is a form of death in my opinion.

Clarity, clarity, clarity. Don't leave your partner guessing or confused. Be 100 percent honest and don't try to put a good spin on things for the sake of your partner. Get it out very precisely so you can begin the work and move away from defining what you are trying to say.

Hopefully this helps a little
Take care
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  #8  
Old 09-04-2009, 08:52 PM
learner learner is offline
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Default How to bring it up?

My husband and I have agreed to try something that falls probably somewhere in between swinging and polyamory - basically neither of us wants to have anonymous or casual encounters, but I don't think either of us intends to fall in love with anyone else either, although we haven't ruled out the possibility of this happening. We've talked and talked about it and discussed every possibility, and we've decided not to make any hard and fast rules except not to hurt each other, or at least to do our best not to.

We both live in the area in which we grew up, where everybody knows everybody and everyone's business. We also have 3 kids, and we really want to try to be as discreet as possible, especially having witnessed a few of our more open minded friends' reactions when we have discussed this with them, we dread to think what the reactions of the less open minded ones would be!

We've started going out more and meeting more people, and there are a few people who have become quite good friends recently who have shown an interest. However, these people are at least on the periphery of our social circle, and we're both finding it very hard to work out how to broach the subject and potentially have a relationship with these people without raising eyebrows. Does anyone have any advice to offer?
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Old 09-05-2009, 05:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by learner View Post
My husband and I have agreed to try something that falls probably somewhere in between swinging and polyamory
Many or most things involve some grey area between this and that, some blending and intermixing. But I don't think this is so with regard to swinging and polyamory. These are apples and oranges. The gap between them is far too tight to slip a butter knife in. One is either pregnant or not; the light switch is either off or on; you've either won the lottery or you have not....

Polyamory is about loving, and you really can't control love--, to be sure that it stays at a constant level "somewhere between swinging (not about love) and polyamory (all about love)."

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Originally Posted by learner View Post
However, these people are at least on the periphery of our social circle, and we're both finding it very hard to work out how to broach the subject and potentially have a relationship with these people without raising eyebrows. Does anyone have any advice to offer?
Start with friendship that builds trust. Once trust is established, there should be no problem. There's no need to rush in.
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Old 09-05-2009, 09:13 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by learner View Post
However, these people are at least on the periphery of our social circle, and we're both finding it very hard to work out how to broach the subject and potentially have a relationship with these people without raising eyebrows. Does anyone have any advice to offer?
I think you are referring to the very different social, possibly political and maybe even spiritual views of the poly friends you have.

This is not new to me. I am from a very different background from most of my poly friends and certainly from a different political/spiritual background than Redpepper. Would I be fair in saying that these friends would stand out in their physical appearance as well? Most of my poly friends would stand out in my old social circle and in fact would probably not blend well. It is almost two ends of a political and economical scale. Certainly priorities are different.

I have essentially lost most of my old "traditional" social circle. Luckily I don't feel "friendship" in the same way as Redpepper or I would probably be crushed.

There are two influences in any relationship structure:
Internal - those from within that require fundamental agreement between those involved, and
External - those that are exerted by family, friends, and society.

The question is:
“Is what you are looking for internally worth the affects it will have on you externally?”

For me it is 100 % worth it!!
I am an individual and can only speak for myself. You will have to find the answers for yourself in this.

Best of luck and welcome to the forums
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