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  #1  
Old 09-04-2009, 04:23 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Default "Coming out" as Polyamorous.

This is a thread that has come out of this link:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...=6286#post6286

I thought it might be useful to someone out there to write more about how my "coming out" to my parents went and what their concerns were.... please read the other link to get an idea if you wish.

So, they had a number of concerns and questions that I need to answer at some point if I haven't done so already... here they were.

1. Is it possible that your six year old son is confused about who his Daddy is?

2. What does your husband think about you having another male partner?

3. Is it possible that your son is being sexually abused?

4. Is your son seeing too much sexual affection happening in his home? and if so, how is that affecting him?

5. Is your son made to feel different because he has two "Daddies," that are your lovers, in his life?

6. How will you explain that you have two male primary partners in your life to your sons teachers and friends parents?

7. What will you tell your relatives and how will we be able to keep our families dignity?

8. How will you ensure that you are giving your son enough of your time?

9. How is it possible that another adult be beneficial to your son?

10. Does this mean that you will be less available to the rest of your family?

11. How is polyamory benefiting your relationship with your husband?

12. Is it a legitimate option for you and your family? and how?

I can't think of anymore just now, but might add later....
This was helpful actually, it took the sting out of it for me. These questions were directed with the intention to hurt and came at us not from an inquiring mind, but a "I'm going to hurt you with my words in anyway possible" fashion. Such as was my childhood I'm afraid I felt like I was ten again. Apparently verbal abuse still abounds in my family... another topic for another thread on how I have dealt with that and them... suffice to say I am ending the cycle right here with me. And proudly as well. I'm scared shitless, as I have been very firm about what my boundaries are but if I don't, I could not be on here spouting my mouth off to others to stand up for themselves! I will not be a hypocrite now at the very least...

I look forward to your responses and again hope that some good will come out of all this in the form of information, that is open and honest for others.
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  #2  
Old 09-04-2009, 01:32 PM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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Wow. Some of those questions are actually quite thought provoking-and some are downright insulting and hurtful. Your son being sexually abused? I think that would get me so angry. Childhood sexual abuse does not happen because of poly. It happens because someone is a sexual abuser!

As far as some others, you've given me some things to think on should a situation ever arise where my husband and I come out to some of the less accepting people in our families. Thanks for sharing your experience despite the pain. Some questions I could answer for myself right now. Some I really have to consider.
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Old 09-04-2009, 02:33 PM
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Wow. Some of those questions are actually quite thought provoking-and some are downright insulting and hurtful. Your son being sexually abused? I think that would get me so angry. Childhood sexual abuse does not happen because of poly. It happens because someone is a sexual abuser!
Being the person who was essentially believed to be the abuser, I did not take this personally at all. I looked at it with their perspective and in all honesty I think it was a legitimate concern.

The relationship Redpepper, her husband and me have is completely natural to us but completely unnatural to societal norms. What were they to think?

The news fills us with fear of this type and therefore I was not hurt by the question or accusation.

I think their questions were all valid but the manner in which they delivered them was completely inappropriate. They attacked Redpepper without remembering us all together over the past 9 months.
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Old 09-04-2009, 02:35 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I thought that their concern for RP's son was the better half of it. If I were to de-translate RP's questions back to the way they were in their original form (the way her relatives said them), I would have to conclude that they are JEALOUS, as opposed to ENVIOUS, of her happiness.

However, I don't know them and I cannot predict when or if they will "come around", or whether things will have to get worse before they can get better.

RP, I apologize for addressing you as the third person throughout the rest of this post. I'm sure you will forgive it just this once.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 09-04-2009 at 03:11 PM.
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Old 09-04-2009, 03:00 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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The only time in the past that my mother got anywhere near that stupid, I walked away and she didn't see me or my son for a long time--until after she apologized. I wouldn't begin to address any of those questions, as they're prima facie absurd and rude. I would, however, walk away and have nothing to do with the people asking them.
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Old 09-04-2009, 03:49 PM
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no prob Ygirl, not offended in the least

I put that to my Mum that perhaps she might be jealous. She was infuriated even more. Most of the time we were together was taken up with what happened after I asked that question... in that she went on about her horrible life and how disappointed she is in it. I have heard the speech a million times before but this time I told her I don't want to hear it again unless it's in the form of what she is doing about it. So done with the whiny, drama filled, victim thing.

My Dad was very upset that I would never talk to them both again. I am talking to him at the moment as it wasn't him that participated. He didn't try and stop her either and instead went into his guilt mode.
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Old 09-04-2009, 04:00 PM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
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It isn't the CONCERN for the son that got to me. I can understand that. And I don't blame them for concerns. It was the concern of sexual abuse specifically. Why would they jump to something like that? It's like asking if every friend I bring into my life is really out to touch my son. Or every babysitter or every family member that cares for him, for that matter. Why was this NOT a concern until it came out that Mono was sexually involved with RP? How does having sex with the mother, as a primary, secondary, or any other way, have ANYTHING to do with sexual abuse of her CHILD? While I'm sure people have been guilty of doing such things, the same can be said of ANY relationship between adults, from a sex partner to a family member, to the child's own parent. Why is it that, because he is in a deeper relationship with RP than previously thought, they jump to accusations about his relationship with her child to THAT extreme?
Sorry, but THIS would piss me off.
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Old 09-04-2009, 08:01 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I put that to my Mum that perhaps she might be jealous. She was infuriated even more. Most of the time we were together was taken up with what happened after I asked that question... in that she went on about her horrible life and how disappointed she is in it.
CLASSIC, textbook case of the J-word. I know you know that.

I totally understand about the concern with Mono vs. pedophile. It is one of those things where if they were worried about it, best they SAY something and give RP the chance to explain it. I think everyone did good in that way.

And, I totally understood from the original post that RP's parents were concerned about this BEFORE they found out Mono was her boyfriend, not BECAUSE they found out he's her BF.

My expert opinion is that things will probably settle back to whatever the status quo was before the shit hit the fan. That means don't expect RP's parents to be picnicking with Mono anytime soon.
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Old 09-05-2009, 03:53 AM
Karelia Karelia is offline
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When my husband told his mother about our gf, via email, she promptly called him and said, "So, Kari's a lesbian?" He said, "no, she's bisexual." She then said, "I thought you and Kari were supposedly so happy. So, why this?" He was pissed, and hung up on her (it is worth noting that they have a tumultuous relationship at best - and he's always believed that he'd cut her off at some point after his father died, which happened, sadly, last fall).

She then replied to his email with an email so hurtful and vicious, he wouldn't even allow me to read all of it. What he did sum up was that she said, obviously he's miserable with me and so she'd help him buy his way out of the marriage. She also told him his father wouldn't be proud of him because of this (so not true - his father was only interested in his son's happiness).

Needless to say, this was the straw that broke the camel's back. She gets her sister to call and leave guilt trip messages all the time. It's horrible, and my heart breaks for him because he said to her in the email that he wanted to be able to tell her about this because it was something major for him, made him happy and after all the hardship of the last year (with his dad dying), it was such a nice thing to have that sort of happiness. She didn't have to agree with him, but did she have to attack our marriage (she's always hated me, btw)?

With my parents, it was easier. My mother and I also don't have a great relationship, and there was much drama last summer that resulted in me basically refusing to share ANY of my personal life with her. So, basically I said to her, look, this is something I am going to share with you, after all that's happened, I hope you'll know better than to criticize me. She, unlike my mother-in-law, is not prepared to jeopardize my talking to her (she needs me for various reasons), and so she bit her tongue. It was done loudly... meaning I could hear "concern" in her tone, but she has never criticized our decision.

My father is a former hippie. He's happy if I'm happy. My relationship with him isn't easy, but he's also not one to judge this sort of thing. If it works for me, it's fine by him.

My teenage sister says that if I'm lucky enough to have two people love me this way, she's happy for me, and maybe a bit jealous (especially now that she's pregnant and the baby's father is an ass - to be nice about it). She actually asked me questions that surprised me... things about jealousy and the like. But she was extremely accepting and mature, and can't wait to meet our gf (she lives across the country, so it may be a while).

As for friends, most have the "it wouldn't work for me, but if it makes you happy, good for you" mentality. A few have pulled away from me a bit, but not actually criticized or condemned the relationship, and only one had the sort of attitude similar to my mother-in-law, but in a much nicer way.
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  #10  
Old 09-06-2009, 11:33 PM
Libre2Love Libre2Love is offline
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Thank you Redpepper, for sharing this. I'm just at the beginning stages of a possible poly-relationship and it's nice to read about what the future may hold for us, should we choose to 'come out'. That is thinking way, far into the future but I always like to ponder things from all perspectives.
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