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  #1  
Old 02-26-2011, 11:38 PM
Idlovetwo Idlovetwo is offline
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Default Help, how to make him understand :(

Hi folks

I'm female with a male partner, trying to make him understand I'm poly. I've always been, even if I didn't even accept it myself. I kept falling in love with other people while still loving my partner, and now I've decided to be myself and not hide it from myself or from others anymore.

I introduced myself here so you can see my boyfriend is mono, and I'm trying to make him understand that I love him all the same even if we open up to other relationships. I wish he was poly too, but no way. I can respect they way he is, but it can be a lot harder for him to understand the way I am.

I see there are mono people in poly relationships in this board, so maybe some of you can help me. What should/shouldn't I say or do, to make it easier for him? We are having a hard time now. I don't want to pretend I'm something I am not, but I don't want to lose him either. Do you think it's possible?

Thanks a lot!
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Last edited by Idlovetwo; 02-26-2011 at 11:45 PM.
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  #2  
Old 02-27-2011, 08:20 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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There's nothing you can say to him to truly get him to understand...but that is based on my experience over the past two years and a bit. Your best bet is to take a look at what each of you want from this relationship. Once you establish that then you can see if you meet each other's criteria to invest more.

A major part of my success and happiness in a poly relationship as a mono person is that the life experiences I needed to achieve in a monogamous relationship were already met. What are both your needs?

The following link deals with some things you might want to ask yourself before trying to explain it. You're poliness isn't likely to go away..nor is his mononess...you'll be dealing with it for as long as the relationship last quite possibly.

Survival guide for dating a mono
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Old 02-27-2011, 07:54 PM
Idlovetwo Idlovetwo is offline
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Thanks a lot Mono. Your survival guide is really good, made me smile Plus it helped me make some things clear about myself. For example, I feel I'm the poly-fi kind, rather than about complete openness. Maybe this will make him feel less insecure.

Let's see in the next days. He feels my being poly means I don't love him that much, because if I loved him, I would be mono. I don't blame him for feeling that way. I hope he'll start to understand if I manage to show him how much I love him. But sometimes he goes all sad and doesn't even feel like a little cuddle
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Old 02-27-2011, 09:50 PM
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Hello Idlovetwo. Welcome.

In my experience it is best not to limit yourself with phrases like "I think I might be the poly-fi type." I have found that creates false hope that there might only be one more, or two more and that they will be forever and once you have them, you will stop and I can just be okay with them.

Chances are that you might date a few people over time, in a quest to find someone who fits your life... and even that might end or you might want to date again in addition to them... you just don't know and someone who is monogamous, it seems best to just leave it all up in the air for that reason. It is crazy making, but not as much as the result of changing it up as you go along. That is more crazy making as often mono people see it as "you changed what you said you were going to do," rather than seeing it as you just following the natural flow of your heart.

I wish I had some words to say that would make him feel better. Mono has covered most of what I would say. Really, all you can do is be as constant as possible and keep negotiating your boundaries as best as you can... both of you. It is likely there will be huge compromises that you will have to live with for a long time if you want this man in your life. It is your choice as to how much of your nature you can either put on hold indefinitely or for as long as you are with him. There is no answer to that other than your own.
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Old 02-28-2011, 05:15 PM
Idlovetwo Idlovetwo is offline
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Thanks redpepper. Wise advice If something I've learned in this past thirty something years (lol) is that you may know how you feel now, but you don't know how you will feel next year, or next month. And, "follow the natural flow of my heart"... I like that sentence. It's what I've decided to do. It has taken me years, decades, but now I think there is no way back. So, only time will tell. Lovers can come and go, but my freedom to be myself is here to stay, hopefully.

Things look pretty screwed up today though... Ok, I still have my other love, even if he is a thousand miles away. That's some upside to poly... No, just kidding, I'll do my best to save my relationship. Just because I love him, even if he doesn't believe me
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Old 03-01-2011, 03:56 AM
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I hope this reply doesn't upset you....but I am struggling with the man I love. I am monogamous....and I crave the monogamy back. I am so angry and bitter about this whole situation we are in.

I don't know if you gave him monogamy in the beginning and now that he is in love with you, you have switched it all up....or did he know from the beginning? How much choice did he have in whether or not be in this situation?

The pain I feel associated to my love loving and wanting another person cuts deep At times I even feel I am dying slowly....



For me, it is sad to say. But TODAY I believe my only happiness lies in leaving my husband

I wish I didn't love him sometimes, that way I won't ever have to feel this pain or see her (his gf) again

The only thing that has made this bearable is that my husband constantly shows me and reminds me how much he loves me. Also we have set boundaries that I can live with (simply put, they can only do certain things).

Establish boundaries.....and be patient. Allow him to talk, talk and talk, and you return the favor. He is probably going to have bad days and good day. He is riding a roller coaster I know all too well and right now (no disrespect to anyone) but a ride I would not wish on my worst enemy
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