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Old 02-25-2011, 04:20 AM
poobah123 poobah123 is offline
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 48
Default practically in tears...

just an awful day for me. I am really confused and hurting. Looking for some advice.

Over the summer, I fell in love with my wife's friend. We did not cheat on our spouses. Emotionally yes but not physically. Both our marriages had real problems and when you fell no love in your life, eventually someone else will fill it. I never stopped loving my wife. It was just the love that we felt was so strong between me and her friend we didn't know what to do. Eventually it came to the thought of leaving our spouses but we just could not do that.

Well time went on and we discovered polyamory. Myself and her friend really took to this notion of love more than one. Our spouses got involved and we all got together (in the same room!) to figure things out.

Since september, our spouses let us have this relationship that was more GF/BF. Everyone knew how we felt and was accepting of it. I tried being just friends with this other woman and it's just not in the cards. The attraction on the emotional and spiritual level is just so strong. Recently I gave into to these feelings and said since everyone seems ok, I'll let myself feel love and express my love. Words only and friendly kisses.

Well monday night the other woman tells me she talked to her husand about the physical side. Maybe going on a date with me. After 14 hours of talking, he gave her complete unconditional love. He was accepting of this and wanted her to have whatever made her happy.

Needless to say but I had to ask the question of my wife. She has joked that we looked like a cute couple, would let me kiss her and cuddle so I thought maybe there was a chance. Well it did not go well at all. She wants me to drop the other woman from my life entirely. She says if you want to show ME unconditional love you will do this.

I do love my wife dearly. More so after the past 6 months where our marriage has gotten far better. I just don't think I am strong enough to leave this other relationship. I just don't think I can lose this other person from my life. Tonight I am sad. My heart is in pain. I may have to leave this other woman entirely. Even if things go back to the way they were recently, I'm not sure I can be around this other woman and just be friends. The feelings are just too great.

never in my wildest dreams did I think I could love two people. Never believed or experienced chemistry this strong. As all of this from words and very little physical experience. Crazy thing is my wife does like the other woman. Like best friends but is also hurt by this.

well not much else to say. just a really sad night in store for me. possibly worse. This is just a horrible feeling.
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Old 02-25-2011, 06:28 AM
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aLABiMCpl aLABiMCpl is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Mandeville, LA
Posts: 90

Other then doing like y'all did the first time: Getting everyone together and involved I do not really have a clue what you can do.

It really depends on how your Wife feels about it and if there is a group consensus from there on.

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Old 02-25-2011, 06:31 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 9,851

What about all four of you getting together to talk again? Maybe that will help?
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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Old 02-25-2011, 12:52 PM
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sage sage is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 633


I also asked my partner to give up his SO in the beginning. He was also sad, very sad and although I know he really tried he was never the same. It took a couple of months but in the end I told him to resume the relationship and that's when I really started learning about polyamory and how to make it a positive thing in our life, even though I didn't feel the need for another partner myself.

I started a blog about my experience(link in signature) and it might be helpful for your wife to read.

Our relationship is now very good and I have a great relationship with his SO (although not sexual). I do think however, that it was important to me that he did honestly try to be monogamous and relegate her back to just a friendship status. I suppose that was easier for him because she is long distance, although he still found having her just as a friend difficult and for those few months had little contact.

I know it's going to be a difficult time for you because we've been through it, but if your love for this woman is really as strong as you say it is, I'm sure your wife will see it and appreciate the efforts you've made to work on your relationship with her. Be patient, let your wife comfort you and vice versa and keep communicating honestly.
Don't be tempted to cheat that will make everything worse, much worse.
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Old 02-25-2011, 08:07 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,707

Good for you not cheating.... keep it that way or you will be fucked

I know you are in pain, but be patient and loving and keep talking. You might find that there is a glimmer of hope. Cling on to that and do as she asks for now. It sounds like she needs some time for everything to filter down. Tell her that and let her know that you intend to keep in touch with this woman and that dropping her entirely is not an option for you... you are allowed to set boundaries. Her boundary seems unreasonable for you, so don't agree to it and keep negotiating with her about what would be acceptable. You might find that you never reach a point where you can find a good agreement and might just have to compromise and be willing to let some of your needs go. That remains to be seen though, you are just starting out.

Maybe your wife would like to join here too or at the very least look at some threads on similar experiences. Here in this thread alone there are many. Lots to read. There are also some really good blogs to read also...

You are not alone. Know that. It's all very hard, but you have just begun and the future is not what you think it will be.... take a step at a time and do so with as much love and compassion/consideration as you can... that all comes back to you
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Last edited by redpepper; 02-25-2011 at 10:11 PM.
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Old 02-25-2011, 08:25 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

She says if you want to show ME unconditional love you will do this.
I'm always amazed by how people try to put conditions on UN-conditional love. It just does NOT work that way...

I understand the EMOTIONS she's struggling through, but that doesn't change the fact that unconditional love can't be forced or demanded. If you force or demand or manipulate someone into an action, their action is no longer unconditional love-it's obedience. Plain and simple.

I just finished reading a book that really succinctly and lovingly explains this. (It's NOT A POLYAMORY book.) Might be helpful for her in addressing the reality of dealing with her emotions constructively. Sounds like she's struggling with that (understandably, but why continue to struggle if you can fix the emotional hurts?).

"Real Love: The truth about finding unconditional love & fulfilling relationships"-Greg Baer, M.D.

Originally Posted by sage View Post
I started a blog about my experience(link in signature) and it might be helpful for your wife to read.

Don't be tempted to cheat that will make everything worse, much worse.
Definitely GREAT advice here from Sage. I would HIGHLY suggest reading Sage's blog with your wife.

I also would reiterate, don't cheat. It's not worth it. Been there, done that, it will hurt you most and it's just NOT worth it. (great job on NOT doing that to begin with by the way!)

RP is right too, relationships are a series of compromises. Your wife has stated what SHE wants to see happen, now it's your turn to state what you want to see happen. Then the two of you negotiate on a compromise that is acceptable to you both. That's part of a healthy relationship. It's not a healthy relationship if either partner makes demands that impede the health (whether emotionally, physically, sexually or psychological)of the other person. Both partners have to be able to meet their needs in whatever compromise is decided on.
If deleting the other love from your life is going to be destructive for you (and history has shown that most people find it destructive to turn away a loved one); then that isn't a reasonable compromise. It may be reasonable to agree to be only friends.
You (both) need to really look at what your personal NEEDS actually are, not just WANTS, but needs and then sit down to discuss them.

In my personal experience, having tried to cut off the second love of my life completely..... it doesn't result in ANYTHING good. Not only does the person doing it end up miserable, but the person asking them to also ends up miserable-with the now miserable (and often resentful) spouse.....
"Love As Thou Wilt"

Last edited by LovingRadiance; 02-25-2011 at 08:26 PM. Reason: Adding book title that I forgot to include!
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boundaries, boundary negotiation, boundary setting, compromise, negotiating

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