Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Introductions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 08-31-2009, 12:21 PM
OneSoul OneSoul is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 29
Default New to Poly Amory - Experiences, Thoughts, Feelings and Questions

New to Poly Amory - Experiences, Thoughts, Feelings and Questions

New to this space... Male, Young, Athletic, Well Traveled, Well Read, Spiritual.

HISTORY:

I have never been in a Poly-Amor relationship... or maybe I have.

I've been cheated on, I've been the guy who someone cheated with on someone else,

I've been in an open thing out of chance / accident / some choice - To shed more light.

THIS IS HOW THE THOUGHTS FIRST CAME ABOUT:

I was not committed to anyone person and was openly dating people. Met this girl at a club, we danced close (like a body wrap) and we flirted and talked about getting together (naughty, flirty conversations)..

Fast forward 1 month and a few short phone calls & flirting and logistical time / sched issues... We finally meet.

Dinner at her place, watching a DVD, and so on.. 3 am we are naked in bed. As we lie in each other arms.. We find out we're both casually dating several other people as well (at different levels / stages).

Given that I did not want to be tied down or committed at the time I was up only for a Casual Thing. She was doing the same (dating few people) but that night mentioned that she would rather just be with me... if at all I would indulge, based on how I was... Funny thing is THAT night itself she said she'd love to just be with me and not date other people if I chose so.

We kept in touch, met on & off.. Busy schedules, travel, etc. Over the time we dated I developed 'feelings' for her, but I did not like the clinginess and drama and SET expectations, schedules & drama that comes with a committed relationship.

Note: I HATE the DRAMA that a lot of committed relationships bring.

She would tell me "She loves me" several times.. I felt something but did not want to commit and/ or say those words. Once, it came out from within.. I said it.. I meant it. But I still did not want to be tied down, and more so.. Our time schedule & my travel logistics would not be ideal for a monogamous committed relationship.

The thing I realized about myself was I could hardly ever just be CASUAL. I CARE. I BEGIN TO CARE & LOVE. Poly-dating became amory at some level. I moved cities, but we talk once in a blue moon.

EXPERIENCE: LOVE, CARE & COMPASSION FOR MORE THAN ONE:

Whats funny is that I began to feel similar LOVE & CARE feelings for all the few women I was dating (as yet non sexual with some but flirty / romantic etc.). My dating multiple women & maybe just wanting casual relations and / or casual fuck buddies was not really want I wanted. I was just trying to not fall in love with one person (too much singular attachment & drama).

DEVELOPMENT: BRINGING IN THE NOTION OF BEING TOGETHER BUT STILL FREE:

Now, bringing up OTHER PEOPLE would have been wierd for me as well as her... at the get go. We were barely establishing our OWN chemistry. NO LIES WERE TOLD! by HER or by ME. No Commitments were made by her or me.

As I said, it might not have happened - we might not have made such good friends & lovers if we had "pre-diverted" into "other people chemistry" v/s "our chemistry".

I know, its kinda of on the edge, but i'm simply sharing a real life experience.

The thing is most people would probably love & accept Poly-A as long as they are assured & be secure of themselves & others .. Its the introduction BIT that can just cause RUFFLES... the anxiety & the fears of no CONTRACT of 100% Monogamy

Its the same place where a man & woman would choose to be Fuck Buddies / or Booty Calls but they would not have talked about THAT from the GET GO.. in EXPLICIT statements..

They build their chemistry as it comes... FBs, FwBs, Casual Dating / Short term Relationships, Open Dating / Open Relationships, Amorous / PolyAmorous, Exclusive Committed Monogamours ... Wherever it goes...

YOUR THOUGHTS?

SELF AWARENESS, SPIRITUALITY, PHILOSOPHY & SELF-FREEDOM & SELF-LOVE, UNIVERSAL LOVE:

I feel LOVE is FREEDOM. Being in LOVE is like FEELING FREE, FEELING UNAFRAID, FEELING NAKED - Mind, Body, Soul.

LOVE is not about TIED YOURSELF or SOMEONE ELSE DOWN.. to LIMITS, EXPECTATIONS & CONDITIONS .. YOU SET.

I know both because my experiences on the Spirtual Side with the DIVINE have no limits, expectations or CONDITIONS.. It is UNCONDITIONAL.. and ALL ACCEPTING.

The opposite is where some gets upset, nasty, angry & even devious for no reason in a so called monogamous love relationship when small trivial elements / mistakes / misunderstandings happen.

That is the whole point of LOVE.. To LOVE & ACCEPT someone AS THEY ARE.. ALL THEIR POSITIVES & NEGATIVES... Not just at the beginning of a relationship.. during a HIGH.. but throughout.. later.. when the Highs dont exist.. and a certain stability sets in.. (hopefully its not monotony).

ITS NOT ABOUT LOVING SOMEONE ELSE, BUT IN "INVOKING" INSIDE OF YOU.. A FEELING OF LOVE.

YOUR TRUE NATURE is LOVE, PEACE & JOY.

Why not be it? Why set limits, fears, conditions & expectations?

ANYWAYS... Thats me & my thoughts.

I AM CURIOUS HOW SOMEONE GOES ABOUT SETTING UP A POLY AMOR / LOVE thing from the GET GO without having to CONVINCE SOMEONE.. or DEAL with the DRAMA.. or...

CRITICAL QUESTION: At what stage in the DEVELOPMENT of that INTERACTION do you go DEEPER... into Poly & Related thoughts without hampering the progress of the initial chemistry build up.

MORE SO... FIND SOMEONE who ... WOULD ACCEPT OR ALREADY LOVES THIS MINDSET.

Last edited by OneSoul; 08-31-2009 at 12:25 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-31-2009, 12:39 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Well you won't be told to edit your post for punctuation and paragraph breaks, that's one thing I'm sure of.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-31-2009, 01:12 PM
OneSoul OneSoul is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 29
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
Well you won't be told to edit your post for punctuation and paragraph breaks, that's one thing I'm sure of.
Might I add... Pretty articulate, as well.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-31-2009, 01:29 PM
Quath Quath is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 504
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by OneSoul View Post
Might I add... Pretty articulate, as well.
Many initial posts are one huge paragraph. You went way in the other direction. Not bad or anything, just different.

Quote:
CRITICAL QUESTION: At what stage in the DEVELOPMENT of that INTERACTION do you go DEEPER... into Poly & Related thoughts without hampering the progress of the initial chemistry build up.
Some people have said that by the third date you should have the poly talk. Some people say that in more modern dating, nonmonogamy is assumed until it is talked about. And when it is talked about, that is when the poly talk comes out.

Personally, I lean towards telling them once it starts to look like you want to keep dating the person. So it may take a few dates to know if you have the right chemistry.

One exception for me is that since I am married, I don't want to give the impression I am cheating. So I am up front from the beginning. (Oddly, more people are accepting of cheating than polyamory.)

The tougher wuestion ishow to present polyamory when it is time for the "ralk."
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-31-2009, 01:50 PM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 369
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Quath View Post

Some people have said that by the third date you should have the poly talk. Some people say that in more modern dating, nonmonogamy is assumed until it is talked about. And when it is talked about, that is when the poly talk comes out.
Really? Because I am 30 (not THAT far from "modern" dating) and I always found that it was MONOGAMY which was expected. I'd go on two dates with a guy and he'd introduce me as his girlfriend. This always confused me and is what led to being a serial monogamist. I thought this was what was expected, what was normal, so this was what I had to be.

I'm also married so I have to be upfront from the beginning I guess. Though I have no experience with someone who doesn't know me as a married woman. So I'm sure I'll be questioning this myself should it happen.
__________________
I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 08-31-2009, 10:37 PM
OneSoul OneSoul is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 29
Default

I am guessing it depends on how many pre conceived bindings and stipulations we come in with?

At the moment I am not seeing anyone.. Spent 1.5/2 years being Celibate after an era of varying experiences.

In my case, I am probably not thinking Poly or Mono from the start. Probably just imply & be clear about casual dating... and let the energies take things forward... Whether it becomes FBs, FwBs, Casual Dating or more preferably the former ones turning deeper into more caring, loving... Polys.

The thing is, I doubt I'd be comfortable sharing my views on / even considering any kind of mono or poly relationship until certain boundaries have been crossed. Its my inner life.. and to get to it.. you've got to deserve it.. earn it.

I give the same respect to the other person as well.

Having noticed young people dating these days.. I think Monogamy is almost never in tow until after the dating becomes more regular... (chemistry is established.. and now before it gets serious the commitment is questioned).

Funny thing is I was shocked to see how some suppossedly morally traditional women would play the field as well to get the max bang for the bucks out in the market.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 08-31-2009, 10:42 PM
OneSoul OneSoul is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 29
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by XYZ123 View Post
Really? Because I am 30 (not THAT far from "modern" dating) and I always found that it was MONOGAMY which was expected. I'd go on two dates with a guy and he'd introduce me as his girlfriend. This always confused me and is what led to being a serial monogamist. I thought this was what was expected, what was normal, so this was what I had to be.

I'm also married so I have to be upfront from the beginning I guess. Though I have no experience with someone who doesn't know me as a married woman. So I'm sure I'll be questioning this myself should it happen.
Quote:
Some people have said that by the third date you should have the poly talk. Some people say that in more modern dating, nonmonogamy is assumed until it is talked about. And when it is talked about, that is when the poly talk comes out.

Personally, I lean towards telling them once it starts to look like you want to keep dating the person. So it may take a few dates to know if you have the right chemistry.
I think Mono is what is wanted by people in the LONG RUN. But that is typically after people have played their field.. or do not have the opportunity/ ability to be playing the field.

i.e. Mono Commitment does not come right away/ upfront. In fact I know of women who would want Mono at the get go after first night... But would not hesitate to scope other opportunities & multi task big time.. Kinda seems like "shopping" for best buck.

Both sexes seem to PLAY the FIELD.. IF THEY CAN!... If you can milk it, do so.

If you cant then do what you can to get what you can.

Which is why it kinda scares me to put my feelings on the line.. until I know what LIES BENEATH in that person.

Last edited by OneSoul; 08-31-2009 at 10:55 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 08-31-2009, 01:35 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by OneSoul View Post
Might I add... Pretty articulate, as well.
If you insist.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 09-01-2009, 02:35 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Right here. Right now.
Posts: 649
Default

Hi 1Soul:

As often happens when a person is standing outside of a situation, the "answer" to the heart of your question seems straightforward to me, so I'm going to address it in a straightforward way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OneSoul View Post
I AM CURIOUS HOW SOMEONE GOES ABOUT SETTING UP A POLY AMOR / LOVE thing from the GET GO . . . without having to CONVINCE SOMEONE . . .
By knowing what you want and communicating your intentions and desires clearly from the get-go. This allows everyone involved to know what you want and to make informed choices. If the person you're interested in is unfamilar with the concept(s) of poly, you may need to answer questions. But ultimately, if you're clear from the beginning that you want a polyamorous relationship, potential partners will either accept that and continue developing the potential, or not (in which case they were not the best match for you anyway.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by OneSoul View Post
. . .or DEAL with the DRAMA.. or...
Sorry to be the one to break it to you, but people come with issues, and for everyone I know, issues erupt into drama sometimes. It's part of the human condition. The extent, depth, and duration of dramatic episodes depends on how effectively the issues are addressed.

I hope my straightforward approach does not rub you the wrong way. Good luck to you and happy hunting. I hope you find what you're looking for.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 09-07-2009, 01:25 AM
NotPolly NotPolly is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1
Default Wanted to add my experience

I have been seeing someone for the past six months in a sexual relationship with someone who told me from the beginning that he is not monogamous. I chose to ignore this and proceed with the relationship anyway. We had some great, fun times and he is very loving when he's with me. But every so often reminders of his polyamory would come up and I would then attempt to "break up" with him. (Inevitably and eventually I came back.) This weekend I encountered evidence that he is and has been seeing someone else all along, and he's bringing her on a trip with him next month. I am hurt and consumed with jealousy and have now broken up with him again, hopefully for good. I just can't deal with the lifestyle, though I understand why he is in it... it's just not good for me. It's crushingly painful for me and yet I know it will be hard for me to forget him and move on - though I need to. This is where I'm at right now.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:04 AM.