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  #1  
Old 02-21-2011, 05:49 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Default Couple-hunting in Unicornia

Inspired by the thread 'What's in it for a unicorn', I think I can't help but to offer a description of what's it like to go couple-hunting from the perspective of a self-confessed unicorn.

Ever since I read Ms. Deborah Anapol, I became convinced what I really needed was a couple. She made it clear that waiting for your one-and-only to start the perfect polysituation with might leave you waiting for the rest of your life. So all the single-ladies out there, create a profile on OkCupid and start looking for your one-and-only couple.

So what do you know? Within a few minutes of signing in, there you are, looking up the profile of the cutest girl ever, who's looking for someone to get to know both her and her boyfriend. And she's IMing you!

So as it is, we're definitely on the path to friendship, and have two dates planned in March. I'm enthusiastic, and try not to get my hopes too far up.
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  #2  
Old 02-23-2011, 10:09 AM
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Default Coming out

So far, all the people I've talked to about my situation have responded with either 'Is this poly or are you just having some R&R?' or with 'Wow, so you really want to have the complications of a monogamous relationship multiplied?'.

The particular friend who came up with the latter comment shared some of her own pain of having once been the unwitting mono participant in a vee. She also wonders about another friend in a similar situation, whom she thinks really could do with someone who can give their full attention to him. We agreed that it's easy to pass judgment on what you think other people need, but you never can know just how any particular relationship or life-situation fits the needs of a particular person at a particular time.

So far it seems the only person who has a problem with me coming out as poly is me. Mental note to self: Never underestimate the awesomeness of people around you. Those who know you best love you for what and who you are, just like you do them.
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  #3  
Old 02-23-2011, 10:27 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Never underestimate the awesomeness of people around you.
This!

I think I'll print that sentence out and hang it on my door - love it!
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #4  
Old 02-24-2011, 01:38 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Congratulations. That's wonderful! Now, on to accepting yourself!
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  #5  
Old 02-27-2011, 02:15 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Default Shopping

So what I'm really looking for? Trying to keep an open mind, sure, but secretly, of course I have an idea of what qualities my one and only couple would ideally have.

1) People who don't play cheap with their heart.

2) I'm primarily looking for a man-woman couple where at least the woman identifies as bi. Not that I would say 'no way' to any nice same-sex couples, either, but I find inside me a longing to have a partner of both genders.

3) Sexually compatible people. I find that compatibility is something you don't believe exists until you experience it. I wonder why sexual orientation is still described in terms of societally assigned gender identifications, instead of how people orient themselves in sexual encounters. I find that a much more apt and possibly fruitful description of my sexual orientation, instead of bisexual or even Kinsey 4, is lazy. Yep, I don't care if you're a girl, a guy or a pie, as long as you do all the work. My favorite position? Prone. Or as the okcupid test so frighteningly accurately put it, I'm a confident dominant who likes to receive.

4) I'm not looking for a primarily sexual connection either. I've nursed my heart after my last break-up a year ago back into a fighting mode again. I have love to give.

5) Jealousy isn't a problem. Unwillingness to deal with jealousy is.

6) The prime attraction dating a couple holds for me is seeing the love the two people I love have for each other. The stronger the primary couple, the stronger the triad?

7) People who like to talk. A LOT. About their feelings, relationships, ideas, hopes, fears, fantasies, themselves. And who enjoy listening to others talk about the same stuff.

Of course, part of the beauty of poly is that you can't alway get what you want, but just sometimes, you get what you really need.
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  #6  
Old 03-03-2011, 09:37 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Default Tattoo

Okay, so this doesn't have a direct bearing to polyamory, but relates to healing and becoming a whole person, so I'll share.

This morning I got my very first tattoo ever. It is located on my solar plexus and has the following text; 2. Cor. 12:9.

The Bible verse it refers to is, following the New International Translation, this one;

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

I have struggled with panic disorder, and I chose the solar plexus because that part of my body is where I first feel an attack coming. For all of you fellow polys, monos and intererested who have 'a thorn in your flesh', be you of whatever religious persuasion or none, I wish the most glorious day!
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  #7  
Old 03-05-2011, 07:50 AM
DayStar DayStar is offline
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I like this!
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  #8  
Old 07-18-2012, 01:21 AM
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I love your shopping list Blackunicorn. It was nice to read and get a new prespective out of the second women. I would have to agree with you.
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  #9  
Old 08-17-2011, 07:12 PM
Teiksma Teiksma is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
This!

I think I'll print that sentence out and hang it on my door - love it!

I love it too!
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  #10  
Old 08-19-2011, 02:21 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Default Why Moonlightrunner is super-awesome and totally good for me

Topic three that needs to be addressed.

In case someone whose been reading hasn't noticed, I have fallen for Vanilla. Badly. Big time. To a point where I'm struggling to keep my head above the water of NRE.

I felt like an NRE monster. Here I was, neglecting existing partners to go romp away with the new one, if only in the emotional sense. Since I didn't feel this intense, all-consuming passion with Moonlight, I must be taking him on for a ride. He would just be getting the emotional sloppy seconds of me, not the full-on attention he deserves.

And then the horror, the mayhem! I was over their place one night and we didn't have sex with Moonlight ! I was too tired after a ten-hour work shift. We made up for the lack in the morning, but I was still petrified. If you no longer are humping at every opportunity, it must be that things have staled down beyond repair, right ?

Due to past experiences, I freak out way too easily over any and all sex-related weirdness in a relationship. I was convinced my relationship with Vanilla was about to turn entirely platonic after a similar fall asleep without prior sexy times-experience a month ago, which I took to mean we were, after two months of dating, in the middle of the fabled Lesbian Bed Death(Over-reacting? Me? How can you say such a thing?!?!).

You can probably see why I value partners who are a bit less excitable and have a firm grasp of reality.

So I took a few days to mentally prepare for my "I understand if you want to break-up with me"-talk with Moonlight. It went something like this.

"So, you know, I'm really in love with Vanilla right now."
"I've noticed."
"Um...does it, like, make you feel bad, or sad?"
"As long as still you like me, too, I'm happy for the two of you."

All the anticipation! All the drama! For nothing? Talking about an anti-climax right there.

He also went on to talk about how he somehow, even after such a short time, feels very established with me. Like the love between us is born more out of shared attachment than intense infatuation. I truly feel like a satellite member of their family now.

And he's making me a skirt for my b-day. Totally non-poly related, but just wanted to gloat over having a man who can sew .

Also, Vanilla told me just recently she doesn't feel the need to look for any additional relationships right now. She feels so fulfilled with me, all her needs are being met, and her head is too full of my rose-tinted pictures right now. In her previous relationships, when she's been with a man, she's felt like maybe a woman would be more up her alley, and with women she has yearned for a man to come along. She said I'm the first one she's ever dated who doesn't make her feel like she's lacking something in her life. I know it's the NRE talking but I like what it's saying. And her need for male companionship is pretty much catered to by her FWBs. She said it feels funny that now when she finally has the opportunity to explore other relationships while with someone, she doesn't need to. Maybe it was just the freedom she needed before. And a few years along the line, when we're more established, there's time for others.
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