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Old 06-09-2014, 08:20 AM
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AJoy AJoy is offline
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Default Raising kids in a poly relationship

I'm not sure exactly what answers I'm looking for, but we're (Lamb, Pickle, and I) are beginning the process of trying to conceive a child. Lamb isn't as interested in physically carrying (at this point), so it will be me. I am legally married to Pickle.

We've had a lot of talks about how this will work and look in society from birth and into school years. All of our families and friends will know our roles as parents, so I suppose that's most important. But, with regards to daycare, school, other public interactions... What might I expect? What different ways do people interact with schools and such? We'll have a lawyer draw up papers giving Lamb what rights we can, but I just want to know what I can do to protect our child while not slinking around like we are doing something wrong.

Also, the bureaucratic parts aside, what about things like sleep overs? Parents of our child's friends? Pickle and Lamb are more comfortable keeping a low profile and having more of an outward cover story, while I've had the personality that wants to tell everyone this is how we are and go to hell if they don't like it. Of course, I don't actually do that out of respect of my loves... Plus I'm afraid of losing my job over it (I don't know if this is or is not a rational fear).

How we do things now is more simple, but having a kid naturally involves many more adults and unknown people into our lives. It makes me nervous.

I know that many on here aren't in relationships with quite our dynamic, but I'm hoping that doesn't matter because it seems like many have kids, so hopefully have experience navigating these sort of things.

Sorry for rambling, not quite sure what I'm asking. Any advice or insight welcome.
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Old 06-09-2014, 08:56 AM
Kernow Kernow is offline
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I'm not sure I can be much help because we are in UK and from your comment about the fear of losing your job I assume that you must be in USA. I have a friend with a ten year old son who seems to have got it right, the boy simply has two mums and a dad and three sets of loving grandparents. They have made no secret of their situation with school, doctors, friends etc. Legally the two mums are his parents because the second mum adopted him, it was a bit complicated at the time I can't remember the details but it resulted in both women being his legal parents.

He is a lovely boy, happy, confident and well adjusted, he is popular at school and sleepovers and such like have never been a problem. I sense it may be easier to be open here, they haven't had any work problems, but the question of losing a job because of your private life really doesn't arise. I hope all goes well for you.
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Old 06-09-2014, 09:33 AM
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I'm not sure I can be much help because we are in UK and from your comment about the fear of losing your job I assume that you must be in USA. I have a friend with a ten year old son who seems to have got it right, the boy simply has two mums and a dad and three sets of loving grandparents. They have made no secret of their situation with school, doctors, friends etc. Legally the two mums are his parents because the second mum adopted him, it was a bit complicated at the time I can't remember the details but it resulted in both women being his legal parents.

He is a lovely boy, happy, confident and well adjusted, he is popular at school and sleepovers and such like have never been a problem. I sense it may be easier to be open here, they haven't had any work problems, but the question of losing a job because of your private life really doesn't arise. I hope all goes well for you.

Haha... I have to laugh first about your deductive reasoning about me living in the U.S.! no better a place to find ways to discriminate those who are different. I love living where I do physically, but have become so disenchanted with living where I do politically and socially. I digress...

Thanks for the example. That sounds fabulously ideal. It would be great to look into lamb adopting, though I wonder if that would require a divorce between pickle and I (will have to investigate).

The openness you described is the ideal I'm looking for, I would really love the schools and such to have the basic picture. Also, it's great to hear he's popular and well adjusted. I feel like that has to be in large part due to the fact that it doesn't seem like a thing of shame in his world.
Thanks!
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Old 06-09-2014, 09:44 AM
Kernow Kernow is offline
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I'm sorry if that came over as discrimatory, I just meant to say that the job thing wouldn't be an issue here so I probably don't understand those dynamics. I really didn't mean to offend.
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Old 06-09-2014, 06:50 PM
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I'm sorry if that came over as discrimatory, I just meant to say that the job thing wouldn't be an issue here so I probably don't understand those dynamics. I really didn't mean to offend.
Oh! It didn't come across poorly at all!! I was just being cynical. I can't speak to other countries, but it feels like in this one, every time I turn around someone is being judged or condemned for who they are. I was absolutely in no way offended and really appreciated the insight you gave me. I'm so sorry if my response sounded offended, because I wasn't at all. So sorry!
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Old 06-09-2014, 07:06 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I live in Alaska. Besides us, we know several families who are poly with children.
We home school, so dealing with the schools has been arbitrary.
However-there are poly families with kids in school and for them it has been arbitrary as well-because there are SO MANY mixed families already-that the schools are used to having a diverse number of parents to deal with.
Medical has been similar. They really don't care as long as you list everyone on the forms who is allowed to have contact/information etc, they aren't concerned about who those someone's may be.

"are you family?"
"yes I am".
Pretty much sums it up in the emergency room.

At any rate, we have his, mine, his and mine and the other his and mine kids in our household.
Feel free to pm me if you have any specific questions.
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Old 06-11-2014, 02:38 PM
Orangesmartie Orangesmartie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kernow View Post
I'm sorry if that came over as discrimatory, I just meant to say that the job thing wouldn't be an issue here so I probably don't understand those dynamics. I really didn't mean to offend.
Apologies for the hijack, but i disagree with this. I live in the UK, with my two partners. We're a triad. All live together. My male partner and I both work in professions where we cannot be open about our situations because it will bring a negative reaction in the workplace and may lead to us losing our jobs. While we wouldn't be fired explicitly for our lifestyle choices, we know its very easy for reasons for dismissal to be found. I do know that i was 'eased out' of a job ten years ago because of my alternative lifestyle. As it happened, i chose to jump before i was pushed. But i endured a very uncomfortable 6 months. I am now in career which is even more conservative and 'public facing' and so my choices would certainly bring down censure.

With regard to children, none of us in our relationship have young biological children, but I do have legal caring responsibilities for my baby nephew. My parents have legal custody of him and i am named as a legal guardian. In finding nursery school for him (he's just under 2 years old now) we have explained to the school the people in his life (my parents, myself and my partners). There is permission slips and passwords for who is able to collect him, who can be contacted in case of emergency, copies of our DBS checks on file (criminal record checks) for accompanying the class on school trips.

Similarly, at our GP surgery, there is a letter on his file that gives copies of our legal papers and states explicitly that I may consent to any treatment, preventative measure or examination on his behalf (rules for children under 16 need parental consent (subject to competence) or legal guardian). We had the letter put on specifically in case we had issues with me taking him for his vaccinations. It is also to circumvent the need for us to have to explain the situation to every health professional. We also lodged the letter with the local hospital. However, when we required emergency treatment for him and he was airlifted to a hospital 200 miles away, we needed to show all the court orders. Not that it would've stopped or delayed treatment, but it just made life easier. It also meant that my male partner was able to be in the ICU to support me at that time, when it was immediate family only.

Not familiar with the law in your state, but suggest that explaining to the school that littleun has 3 parents and agreeing who may have access to collect him/her, see school reports etc. Its helpful for the school to know, because kids talk. They say the cutest things, totally uncensored and it can be helpful if the teachers are slightly aware of the dynamic. Doctor's surgery doesn't really care, they just want to know who can consent to treatment for legal purposes.

Don't know about kids' friends, not an issue for us yet. We are taking the view that our relationship will be completely normal for baby, he'll not have known anything different. Auntie has always had two people she loves and who share a bed with her.
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Old 06-11-2014, 06:31 PM
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I agree with Orangesmartie and will add that any job with a "good character" clause carries the same risk.
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Old 06-11-2014, 06:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Orangesmartie View Post
We're a triad. All live together. My male partner and I both work in professions where we cannot be open about our situations because it will bring a negative reaction in the workplace and may lead to us losing our jobs. While we wouldn't be fired explicitly for our lifestyle choices, we know its very easy for reasons for dismissal to be found.
This is what we're worried about. Pickle and I are both teachers (in different districts) with tenure, so I believe it would be very difficult to get us fired, but in our positions, our working lives could probably be made pretty miserable. Though, I like to think at my job in particular, staff and family would be pretty understanding (that would hold true to the demographic for my school area). Pickle would not be so lucky, I believe.

Lamb is an administrator though, and they don't really need a reason to fire her. While firing her for her relationship choice would open them up for a lawsuit, they wouldn't have to say that is why they are firing her.

It's tricky. That's why I've just been telling whoever I feel safe telling as often as I can (4 of my fellow 35 teachers know...not huge, but it's something). And of course, I don't say anything to anyone if I think it will make it's way to Lamb and Pickle's workplace (our town is relatively small).

Anyway, thanks for the information about legal paperwork and who you give what information to. That's helpful. We are definitely going to have a lawyer draw up papers before our child is born.

London, the character clause sounds familiar, though I don't know if there is one in place for any of us (would be worth looking into). That's a pretty clever way to work in an easy way to fire someone!
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Old 06-10-2014, 07:05 PM
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So I 'interviewed' my second OB today for a family planning visit. I don't know if this is normal preconception, but I have bipolar disorder, which complicates the entire process. Additionally, I want someone comfortable with my relationship. Last week, I had an appt. with another OB and she was awful. I left feeling just terrible (Lamb and Pickle came also and felt the same). This morning, when we told the dr. We were all in a relationship, she moved on without missing a beat. She asked us medically pertinent and reasonable questions regarding the relationship. Any then, she took it a step further and started asking about whether Lamb would be willing to carry the child instead of me because of my illness. We let her know I'm weaning off meds and will reassess when they're uo I my system in three months, but that, yes, that was one option we'd discussed. Just the fact that she saw our relationship as a unique opportunity to make our family happen was delightful to me. I am in love with this doctor!!
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