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Old 05-10-2014, 08:22 PM
levidia levidia is offline
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Post New Girlfriend to a Married Couple, Advice Appreciated!

Hello!
Sorry for the long rant, but felt you guys might want to hear the full story before I ask all my unending questions.
I'm first and foremost so grateful to see so much resource and support on the net for a lifestyle that I have stumbled myself into. I'm very new to this, but so far, things have been going more or less like a dream to me. I was hoping to get more insight from people who are more experienced with this kind of lifestyle to help me in answering some of my questions and making sure I don't fall into certain pitfalls.

I'll start off with saying that I recently came out of a 5 1/2 year monogamous relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I was the one to end this relationship because I knew there was something in me that could not continue down the path our conventional relationship was going towards without doing my own soul-searching and exploration. When I broke this off, I swore off to getting myself into any other relationship so I could have some alone time and learn more about myself, which I never really gave myself the opportunity to.

At this time, I was quite close to a coworker. I never thought of pursuing him because he was married, despite knowing there was an attraction to him. Jumping past the development stage, my coworker and I had a very difficult time letting go of the attraction, in which we inevitably confessed to it to each other. His wife has been open and aware of his need to explore sexually outside of his life, which he has done so in his past, but she was not prepared to hear about him wanting another woman outside of a sexual relationship. We had a very bumpy beginning where him and his wife were conflicting on this situation. However, she eventually agreed to go with the flow and see where it takes her. I agreed to meet with her and it was that moment when we met up that changed everything. She could instantly understand why her husband liked me, and me for her. After that, we agreed that perhaps we can try this kind of relationship and see where it would take us.

So far, it has been on the most part amazing. We've done a lot of activities, both sexually and non-sexually together, and it feels so complete and natural when all three of us are together. I find it is an interesting dynamic where his wife and I did not develop any form of relationship to each other until we were already thrown into this. This is something Iím wondering if it is an issue? Based off of the other threads Iíve read, it seems that there was a friendship formed between both partners before entering into relationship. With her, I can see we are developing something special, but it is definitely not like the way I feel for her husband. I think the basis of our relationship is built off of a tender care and understanding for each other, where we can easily express our worries together without judgement, and that our main concern is for each otherís wellbeing.

It has only been a couple of months and we have been through some ups and downs. Both his wife and I have had some third wheely/jealousy feelings sprout out here and there, in which we have done our best to try to handle by talking it through and letting everyone know about. The wife and I never blame each other for it and actually talking to each other makes the jealous feeling go away faster, because the other person always gets where the emotion is coming from and is very understanding towards it.

Here are a few things I was wondering I could get more insights on, as to what you think is the best move to go through or if you see any red flags we should be aware of.

I came into their life knowing that they had some marital issues, specifically their ability to communicate to each other. Since I have entered into their life, both of them naturally are doing a little better at helping out their issue because I generally bring it out in the open. I also tend to be a mediator between the two to help communicate better. However, I donít know if for my wellbeing if it was a wise thing in general to enter this kind of relationship knowing that the two have personal problems that they need to solve? They both say that me being there for them has been extremely helpful, and the husband mentioned that if I werenít to be in it with them, that they could easily fall back into old habits. To me, I question whether or not they should rely on me to help themÖ maybe they should have done this on their own?

I am also fearful of not knowing how to continue in a long term polygamous relationship with a married couple. Iíve only ever been in a monogamous relationship, so my biggest fear is having a possessive feeling towards the husband as we get closer where I want to spend more and more time with him. I have a lot of care for his wife, and I love being with her too, but it doesnít feel quite as strong of an attraction as I do for her husbandÖCould it be because I only started developing a relationship with her after developing a relationship with her husband? I genuinely like her as a person, I find her an amazing woman and obviously have an attraction towards her since we can do things sexually together, but Iím not sure what our relationship completely is, or if it is at all influenced by both our strong love for her husband. The husband and I have an unexplainable connection that we have never experienced in anyone else and Iím fearful that having that connection with him and not her is something that doesnít make the relationship equal?

The other issue that developed from the get go of this relationship is that initially, the way we settled this was that I was suppose to be temporalÖI wanted to stay single in the beginning and soul search, so it was suppose to be that come summer time, I was suppose to go travel on my own for a few months and come back and we would deal with things then. However, my contract for my job has been extended to the fall so I would still be here for the summer, which worried his wife and worried me. His wife ultimately worries that her husband will leave the marriage for me (even though her husband has let both of us know that he would never leave), and I worry about falling too deeply in love with him and fearing my emotions at that point. The husband is the only person that is doing his best not to let fear take over him as he says he risks everything to maintain the harmony between the three of us. However, I donít know what the future hold for all three of us. I think for me personally, I donít know how to place myself because they are already married and I donít know where that leaves me in the long run?
If you can give me any advice, or raise any red flags for me (or the married couple as well), I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks so much for reading!
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Old 05-10-2014, 09:16 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by levidia View Post
I find it is an interesting dynamic where his wife and I did not develop any form of relationship to each other until we were already thrown into this. This is something I’m wondering if it is an issue? Based off of the other threads I’ve read, it seems that there was a friendship formed between both partners before entering into relationship.
I think it's good that you're using a resource like this board but don't let yourself get sucked in to thinking that there is a right way to do it. We can all probably suggest a few things to avoid, but what is a red flag to me might just be a minor bump in the road for you.

Right now it sounds like you are all doing pretty well, considering how difficult a transition like this can be.

Quote:
Originally Posted by levidia View Post
Both his wife and I have had some third wheely/jealousy feelings sprout out here and there, in which we have done our best to try to handle by talking it through and letting everyone know about. The wife and I never blame each other for it and actually talking to each other makes the jealous feeling go away faster, because the other person always gets where the emotion is coming from and is very understanding towards it.
Keeping jealousy a secret and treating it like it's some big bad wolf only makes it worse. So, you guys keeping it out in the open and supporting each other through it is likely to keep it defused or at least minimize the impact of the occasional explosion.

Emotions happen and that's totally cool, just so long as we don't let them rule us and we continue to learn from our failures (and victories).

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Originally Posted by levidia View Post
I also tend to be a mediator between the two to help communicate better. However, I don’t know if for my wellbeing if it was a wise thing in general to enter this kind of relationship knowing that the two have personal problems that they need to solve?
Eeek! I personally would not encourage you to continue doing anything like mediating between them. Support, love, be kind... sure, but setting yourself up as the mediator might be a difficult role to get out of should you decide you want to be more of an equal partner.

Quote:
Originally Posted by levidia View Post
I am also fearful of not knowing how to continue in a long term polygamous relationship with a married couple.
Unknown expectations are one of the easiest things to cause drama in a relationship. Everyone has this kind of game plan regarding how they imagine a relationship playing out and it's important that you and your partner express those to each other very plainly. It would probably be a good idea for his wife to be in on this conversation since it seems the three of you are so closely linked to one another - but that's your call.

How do each of you imagine these things playing out?
Splitting time
What about kids
Moving in vs having your own place
Getting a job out of state
Texting each other while he's on a date with her and vice versa
Being a partner or being a secondary
Relationship between you and her
Dating people other than the three of you
Just to name a few. Take a look at the Golden Nuggets forum to get some more ideas. The more ground you cover the less of an unknown boogie man your growing relationship will be. You can also discover any huge red flags this way and avoid a lot of future pain.

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Originally Posted by levidia View Post
I have a lot of care for his wife, and I love being with her too, but it doesn’t feel quite as strong of an attraction as I do for her husband…Could it be because I only started developing a relationship with her after developing a relationship with her husband?
Relationships develop according to personality chemistry and time spent together (more or less). They do NOT develop simply because we decide we want them to. This is one of the expectations you guys should DEFINITELY talk about.

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Originally Posted by levidia View Post
I’m fearful that having that connection with him and not her is something that doesn’t make the relationship equal?
You're relating to other people, not dividing up players for kick ball. I suggest you let the idea of "equal" go. Relationships aren't going to be equal because they involve different people with vastly different personalities.
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Last edited by Marcus; 05-10-2014 at 09:19 PM.
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Old 05-10-2014, 10:18 PM
levidia levidia is offline
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Hi Marcus!
Thanks so much for replying. Reading all your advices were helpful to let me reflect on my situation. I will look at Golden Nuggets and hopefully start a serious conversation about where to go between all three of us soon.

I know you mentioned not to encourage mediating between them. Could you elaborate on how that would affect me in becoming an equal partner (since that is something I hope for in the end)? I always encourage them to talk to each other, but sometimes, I feel like I get sucked into it because they have an easier time expressing themselves to me than to each other.

Additionally, when you said:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Relationships develop according to personality chemistry and time spent together (more or less). They do NOT develop simply because we decide we want them to. This is one of the expectations you guys should DEFINITELY talk about.
towards me asking about how the wife and my relationship will develop. What would you recommend in terms of what to talk about in this situation? And do you mean between her and I, or all three of us?
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Old 05-10-2014, 11:17 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by levidia View Post
I know you mentioned not to encourage mediating between them. Could you elaborate on how that would affect me in becoming an equal partner (since that is something I hope for in the end)? I always encourage them to talk to each other, but sometimes, I feel like I get sucked into it because they have an easier time expressing themselves to me than to each other.
Relationship dynamics are tough to predict certainly when I don't actually know the people involved, so keep that in mind with my advice.

When it comes to relating as equals, I think that the best way to go into it is to view each relationship as individual and set that kind of precedent. People tend to accept one another based on the role they seem to fill and it can be difficult to grow past it. As a kind of extreme example to illustrate the idea, I think of it like the Aunt who keeps sending you gifts appropriate for a 12 year old, because that's how she learned to relate to you - or an older sibling who still treats you like a flunkie because they were always better at throwing a baseball than you... even though you are both adults now and such ways of relating are no longer relevant.

Being a mediator for a couple you care for might be kind, but it might not be a role that is custom made for being respected as an equal partner a year down the road. That's not to say that a person can't change their role, I'd just keep an eye on the precedent you are setting.

Quote:
Originally Posted by levidia View Post
towards me asking about how the wife and my relationship will develop. What would you recommend in terms of what to talk about in this situation? And do you mean between her and I, or all three of us?
I meant between you and her, though if it would be more constructive to converse with both of them then so be it. I view interpersonal relationships as being between two people - always. While they are a couple, you are still relating to her and you are relating to him. Shorthand can be used to describe the relationship in "dating a couple" kind of terms, but I find it is always helpful to remember that you are in fact managing two independent relationships with two fully functional humans. BUT, as far as communication, I figure you should do what works (meaning, talk to them together if that's better).

So, as far as what to discuss: Is it a requirement that you and she be as close as soul mates and fuck like bunnies? Would it be just as good if you were simply accepting of each other and friendly influences in each others lives? Even if you became strictly platonic at some stage? How does everyone see this playing out and how critical is the nature of that relationship?

If there are no expectations in this regard then there is no harm done. The goal here is to get as many expectations out on the table as possible so that you can discuss what you want frankly and with full knowledge of your situation. The last thing you want is to discover 6 months down the road that they expected a fully romantic relationship between all three of you when you are only halfheartedly interested in her... for example.
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