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  #1  
Old 02-20-2011, 05:48 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Default Question: In poly-mono relationships....

Do the poly members of a poly mono relationship find comfort in and like the fact that their partner or partners are mono? Or would it be much easier if they (the mono's ) where also poly with multi-partner relationships? There has been talk about the specialness of being the one an only from the mono point of view... but do you (poly's) actually feel "special" in that way ...if not ..it has no value... Meaning if some is giving you his/her full focus, attention,etc... if that's not needed and or appreciated it has no real value in fact it could be burdensome. And in fact everyone being on the same page may make things a lot easier. I think I may have to shift and start thinking and acting more Poly. Thanks D
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Old 02-20-2011, 08:10 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I feel special. Who wouldn't when someone is willing and is able to love just me only. I'm the queen of my castle. Who wouldn't like that.

It's a dichotomy though as I am a queen in a cage. I have a kingdom, yet I am trapped in it. I know this, feel this, struggle with it... perhaps your wife does too in her own way.

For the moment I am enjoying the fruit of this kingdom. One day is far away at the moment and there is no happily ever after tomorrow. This is my happily ever after. Every moment and the one after it... tomorrow is not in the equation right now in terms of my relationship life anyway

In a nut shell, Mono's love is needed, appreciated and of great value to me. I have healed because of him and that continues. That holds huge value to me... it is a great gift.

What I would wonder of those that are in a similar situation to me what the value of staying in a mono poly relationship would be. If you can't find a gift in it that is valuable, then why continue on... ?
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Old 02-20-2011, 10:44 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I find that I do feel special and find it indearing that GG is mono.
I find the idea of Maca having another woman and myself being friends with her very special and endearing also....

I think it's really a matter of circumstanct and choice.

IF GG were poly-I would find it endearing and special to be able to be friends with his "oso"....

I guess-I just choose to find it special and endearing either way.

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Old 02-21-2011, 09:17 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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In my very young and inexperienced mind, I would feel constant insecurity in a relationship with a mono. Am I meeting their needs? Are they just hanging on and settling, hoping that one day I come around and give them my full attention? Are they getting sexually and emotionally what they signed up for, or are we all just kidding ourselves?
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Old 02-21-2011, 07:14 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
In my very young and inexperienced mind, I would feel constant insecurity in a relationship with a mono. Am I meeting their needs? Are they just hanging on and settling, hoping that one day I come around and give them my full attention? Are they getting sexually and emotionally what they signed up for, or are we all just kidding ourselves?
I think this is the type of statement that could be very helpful to others who are mono, finding themselves in relationships with people who are poly. To understand that insecurity isn't just something that they struggle with, but that their existence as "monos" also creates insecurity for the other person. JUST like their poly lover existing as "poly" creates insecurity for them.

Does that make sense?
I just feel like this quote should be repeated somewhere more... "visible"-insetad of lost within this small discussion. I think it may be a key for many who are struggling.... and aren't on this thread...
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Old 02-21-2011, 07:36 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Am I meeting their needs? Are they just hanging on and settling, hoping that one day I come around and give them my full attention? Are they getting sexually and emotionally what they signed up for, or are we all just kidding ourselves?
I think this is the type of statement that could be very helpful to others who are mono, finding themselves in relationships with people who are poly. To understand that insecurity isn't just something that they struggle with, but that their existence as "monos" also creates insecurity for the other person. JUST like their poly lover existing as "poly" creates insecurity for them.
I think these are actually questions that can come up in any relationship, be it poly, mono, whatever. Anyone who cares about how they're treating someone else might ask themselves these questions.

These are the issues Shorty grapples with in relation to his limited time and unavailability to be with me, although I've told him repeatedly I'm fine with our casual relationship. He knows I want to be poly, that I'm dating and seeing other people, but still fears that the kind of intimate friendship he wants (with no big commitment to be serious or monogamous) hurts me or is unfair to me in some way. He struggles and feels guilty, thinking that he doesn't give me enough, because he's got so many obligations that take up his time. He's afraid that I am just saying I'm okay with our arrangement yet really waiting to someday "turn him around" (as he put it) into someone who can commit more, like a full-time boyfriend or partner (as in the monogamous model). Apparently women have done that number on him before. I tell him I don't expect more from him than what he gives me now, other than better communication, but he still feels this way.

So, perhaps we might ask ourselves these questions out of looking back at the past and not being fully present to see what is.
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-21-2011 at 08:29 PM.
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Old 02-21-2011, 03:29 PM
jasminegld jasminegld is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I guess-I just choose to find it special and endearing either way.
This is totally cool. This is real love.

Jasmine
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