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Old 04-30-2014, 06:12 AM
Lizzy30 Lizzy30 is offline
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 10
Default I've created a monster

It has only been about 8 weeks and I'm over this poly life.

I think it was started off very wrong, basically it was my fantasy/want bringing a chic in our relationship for sexually reasons. We were actively looking. Messed up thing was that he met her without me and slept with her that same night then told me the next evening. He was dishonest and I felt betrayed. Anyway the next week we met, her and I. After meeting her and we all slept together I felt like it could be a relationship. The problem for me was the adjustments due to his extreme NRE but there was concerns about her too, she's still not on birth control and they have unprotected sex.
Anyway, fast forward to now.... My jealousy is extreme, I've been trying but I really don't want to share my man anymore. We figured this is a fantasy/fetish that became reality but now I can't deal. My man broke down about everything and acted at the moment by saying it's too much and he wanted out. I listened and realized I did too but the problem is he has changed his mind he still wants her but I don't.
The 3 of us met and talked about it, they tried to convince me I'm acting out on something that happened. They think I really should think and try to make it work. How to make something work when your over it? I decided he can still see her but on a different level, I feel he's already taking advantage of the situation.
I want the 2 of us again. We don't need to have a 3rd person.
Can someone help with opinions on this? I need my old life back, I'm tired of the madness!!!!!
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Old 04-30-2014, 07:13 PM
alibabe_muse's Avatar
alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North Idaho
Posts: 346

Not to sound harsh, but it's too late now. You will never have your old life back. Now is the time for you to decide for YOU if you are truly wanting to love more than one or was this nothing but a sexual fantasy, played out without any communication to have a unicorn and thus as what I hear about unicorn hunters etc, it wasn't what you wanted. You wanted a third to be at both your beck and call...to placate each of you jointly, rather than develop an individual relationship.

When I first joined here and discovered poly, hub and I first thought a triad is exactly what we needed. I'd say within 30 minutes (yep pretty quick learner here) I realized how that was not truly going to float my boat nor hub's (he wanted a girl for triad, I wanted a man).

So now you either figure out how you can deal with poly hell (Gala Girl has awesome links to this), your insecurities coming out in the form of jealousy (usually it's abandonment issues but could also be self-esteem issues too) and if this was about polyamory (loving more than one) or just a sexual fetish gone wrong.

Good luck!
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Old 04-30-2014, 09:46 PM
Lizzy30 Lizzy30 is offline
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 10
Default Why should I stay?

Everything you've said is basically correct. I did want a "pet" for my man. I got excited and carried away so ended up agreeing to a poly relationship. However, why should I stay in it and suck it up, I know I want me and my man only. I don't have any feeling for her anymore though she's a cool person. It cannot work but I don't want him to resent me now that I'm taking away his "toy". Ugggh...
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Old 04-30-2014, 09:56 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Crazytown USA
Posts: 1,885

She's a person, not a toy. She's in it now. She can choose to leave if you tell her you feel like she's coming between you and him. You can choose to stay and get over jealousy. You can choose to leave. He can choose to leave her to preserve your relationship. But you can't make choices for them amd if he doesn't want to dump her and she isn't willing to leave there isn't anything you can do about it.
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Old 04-30-2014, 11:51 PM
Lizzy30 Lizzy30 is offline
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 10

Ok, very hurtful to hear but I definitely understand. This is the reason, I'm out of our 3 way relationship and now it's split him and her the secondary and him and me the primary, I can swallow that a bit more. Tks!
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Old 05-01-2014, 12:14 AM
WhatToDo WhatToDo is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 157

I always get a laugh here when the "pack" jumps on the Unicorn Hunters but this thread shows me exactly why they do. You really referred to someone as a pet and a toy in the same post. And now that you to have any feeling for her anymore you want to throw her away and continue on with your relationship with your husband like it never happened. I guess I don't understand how people can be treated that way.
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Old 05-02-2014, 03:25 PM
friskyone4u friskyone4u is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Major city Eastern USA
Posts: 59


I agree with others that looking at this third person as some kind of sex "pet" was probably not good, or or maybe you used wrong terminology. However, I totally disagree with these statements that there is no turning back. That is a bunch of nonsense.
Most of the people on here were at one time mono with their partners and decided to try and then keep being poly. There is a tendancy of some to think that because one dabbles in poly ONE TIME that there is only one way to go, forward, and the partner who wants to put the brakes on is never correct in asking for that.
Your husband started out dishonestly in this, and he is basically just slept with this other woman a few times and to think that it is necessary for you and he to split because he is now dedicated to ploy for life is ludicrous. Partners survive affairs as reconcile all the time so to think that if you two communicate that he will never accept going back to your previous arrangement is silly.
Of course you cannot "force" anyone to do something, but as your husbands wife you do have the right to strongly tell him you expect this experiment to stop and if he loves you like I assume he does, he needs to at least put a hold on this until you have a lot more private discussion with him.
The NRE will eventually cease and then you two can decide if you want to re-evaluate this dabbling in non-monogamy.
You are his wife, she at this point is NOT a toy, but she is just a person he has had sex with a few times. hat is NOT equal in any terms as far as i am concerned.
Going back to the original relationship does not condemn the two of you to a lifetime of misery. There are millions who do it. They just do not normal;ly post here.
Good luck to you.
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Old 05-02-2014, 03:49 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,019

I'm sorry this is hard and you struggle.

We were actively looking. Messed up thing was that he met her without me and slept with her that same night then told me the next evening. He was dishonest and I felt betrayed.
It sounds like he jumped ahead before you guys had made all your agreements solid. Not giving you much time/space to digest changes here. What is being done to heal the hurt/betrayal?

The 3 of us met and talked about it, they tried to convince me I'm acting out on something that happened.
Yes. You are responding to behavior that happened. He shared sex with someone he just met. Without checking in -- since you hadn't formed solid new agreements yet. Lack of consideration.

It sounds like a combo of pitfalls and poly hell.

They think I really should think and try to make it work.
What does that mean? They think you should be willing to stay? Your willingness belongs to YOU.

How does jumping the gun/not considering you make you EAGER to build polyship here with these two players at this point in time?

And what will they be contributing on their parts and/or changing in each of their behaviors to help make it work better in future and help heal hurts from this less than stellar start? Did they even say?

At this time? You have thought. You decided that this way of going isn't for you. You could agree to think for another week. NOt much difference between 8 and 9 weeks.

But if you know it's a hard limit (will never change) already and it isn't a soft limit that could change over time why spend MORE time? Just state your preference. Not for you, it is a hard limit and not a soft limit. You already know this.

It is not kind of them to be fussing at you over it because they don't like the answer.

I want the 2 of us again.
Fair enough. That is your preference at this point in time. Tell him so.

We don't need to have a 3rd person.
YOU don't need or want to have a 3rd person.

He might answer differently. So might she. But that doesn't matter. Stick to what you can control -- your own behavior. YOU are in charge of what you are willing to participate in or not.

If you no longer want to be in a triad or in a "V" you could let him know YOUR preference. You could ask for HIS preference at this time. If they line up, they line up and you return to a 2 people thing and move on to the work of healing from this experience. Maybe you revisit opening up later, with more skills and agreements better articulated. Maybe you are just done.

If they do not line up, and you want to be in a 2 people thing and he doesn't? Then you are no longer compatible because you want different things. You could break up with him and move on to the work of healing from this experience.

Hang in there.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-02-2014 at 04:17 PM.
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Old 05-02-2014, 07:23 PM
Lizzy30 Lizzy30 is offline
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 10

Yes, I really do want out. I thought I was crazy because people were telling me to stick with it cause I'm already in it. In my heart this is not for me, after looking into everything that happened, I was not sold or in it 100% in the beginning so it makes sense that I want to revert back to my mono relationship. I've learned that you've gotta do lots of research and weigh the pros and cons before getting into this. It's not easily, it is a poly hell! Tks for all the advise guys, I can't talk to anyone that knows this stuff in my real life.
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Old 05-03-2014, 03:35 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 915

I do not agree with the notion that you can never return. People may not want to return, but it can be done with willing participants.

I see a few red flags.

1) He slept with her and told you after the fact? Was there an agreement in place that the relationship was even open for looking individually, or was it decided that you two would look for a woman together? When did you get over the betrayal in this short amount of time?

2) Why was there such a rush? A week after meeting? Sweet baby Jesus.

3) I am never one to tell folks about their safe sex choices or lack thereof, but if she is not on birth control and they are having unprotected sex, the next chapter might spell a lifetime commitment. Has it been discussed what would happen in the event of an unplanned pregnancy?

I realise that this is not quite what you thought it would be. It seems like you wanted the physical, and he wanted the emotional and physical aspects. I am assuming it was his/her/their idea to move towards a relationship.

Are you willing to compromise? What could you live with and not be bloody miserable? (Life is too short for that.) You stated that her being secondary and just being a V was a bit more palpable. Would having a schedule help? Would setting boundaries help? (Things like no texting/calling/FaceTime while you are with him, birth control, or any issues.) If you decide to stay and try to deal with his other relationship, what would you need? You can certainly tell him that you cannot do this and bow out gracefully. By doing that, you are not forcing him to choose or running the risk of him resenting you because you asked him to leave her. You would be taking the choice from him, but you would be doing what is best for YOU.

Whether you leave, stay, adjust to being in a V, or if it reverts back to a mono relationship, there are lessons to be learned. You have already learned of a couple: weighing the pros and cons and conducting research.

I hope it works out for you and gets a bit easier, Lizzy.
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 13 years and father of our four children.

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