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Old 04-27-2014, 06:23 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Default Charting Our Course

(Because Hubby works on boats, so I always get into the nautical references...)

When I was a teenager, I read books with love triangles and always found myself wondering why the character had to choose between the love interests. Why couldn't everyone agree to make it work? Throughout my first marriage, I continued wondering about that, though I never explored my thoughts on it. That marriage was stifling at best, and... yeah. Let's just say it wasn't a good situation. My first husband and I split at the end of 2006, after almost 14 years of marriage and two kids.

I joined a "swinger site" (because it had "friend" in the name, and I didn't have any friends... I was honestly so naive I thought that's what it was about, though I caught on pretty fast.) I was able to explore a few things sexually and emotionally. I figured I wouldn't get married again, because I didn't like being tied to only one person.

And then I met Hubby through that site... After over a year of dating exclusively, we moved in together and married about a year after that, in April 2010.

Hubby had a "been there, done that" view on sexual experimentation; he'd already done the things he was interested in. I felt like I was still learning and exploring sexually, and it bugged me that I wasn't able to try things I wanted to try because he wasn't willing to try them with me. After this being an issue for quite a while, last March (2013), Hubby said, "I've decided I'm okay with you finding other guys to try these things with."

We made rules. Pretty strict ones. First and foremost was "No falling in love." If we developed feelings stronger than friendship for anyone, we were supposed to completely sever all contact with that person. So at first, it was purely a "swinger" situation.

And then we met Guy at a G-rated party thrown by members of our area's chat room on that website I mentioned. Something about Guy just grabbed my attention, the same way Hubby had the night I met him. That night, Guy and I made a connection, and because of a conversation they had about me, he and Hubby formed a mutual respect.

It took me about a month to realize my feelings for Guy--and his for me--were breaking the rules Hubby and I had set out. Hubby and I talked, and he assured me it was okay, especially since Guy was only in our area on business and would be leaving within a couple of months. But it scared the heck out of me. I have kids. I couldn't risk my marriage to Hubby. And so for a while, I called a hiatus with Guy. We talked, but didn't see each other, and I minimized the talking.

A month before he was due to leave our area, we saw each other at another party, and I realized I couldn't cut him out of my life. We talked for hours that night and agreed to keep things at a level that wouldn't break the rules, no matter how hard that was. And both of us knew it wouldn't be easy.

Through all this, I was completely open and honest with Hubby, and he was completely accepting of the situation. If it had been anyone other than Guy, I doubt he would have been so okay with it, but they'd formed a friendship, and Hubby trusted and respected Guy. And vice versa.

In September it reached the point where I couldn't keep my mouth shut anymore. I read. I researched. I realized I was polyamorous and had fallen in love with Guy, and I confessed to Hubby. Whose response was, "As far as I can see, you're bringing more love into the world; how could I have a problem with that?"

The next time I talked to Guy, I told him I loved him, and that Hubby knew and was okay with it. And so it began officially. Guy and I had both been denying our feelings, but we no longer had to, at least not to each other or to Hubby.

So since then, Guy and I have been in a long-distance relationship, since he left our area at the end of July. We talk at least 2-3 times a week, and I'm trying to convince him to give Skype a go so we can talk sort of face to face. I was fortunate enough to be able to pay him a visit last week, and seeing each other in person just reinforced that this is how it should be for us. And Hubby told me he's happy that I have Guy.

We're all learning. I have more knowledge about polyamory than either man, but it's mostly reading knowledge, not experience. But the three of us are open to figuring it out, negotiating, and communicating, and that's the biggest part of the battle, I think.

I'm starting this blog because we aren't open with many people in our real lives, and while I'm "out" in a couple of other places online, that's about it. So I need a place to type, think, and process as we navigate this course.
__________________
Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "attachment", male, 44, undetermined
Best Friend: male, 38, platonic; the one who keeps me sane through all this!
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)
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  #2  
Old 04-28-2014, 10:55 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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I think I made Guy cry today... I told him that even though having a long-distance relationship with no real idea of when we'll see each other again is difficult, he's worth it, and that I'd rather have him in my life long-distance than not have him at all.

What I didn't realize was that the last (mono) girlfriend he had told him almost the exact same thing--right before she broke up with him for being gone all the time, then took him back, then cheated on him and posted about it on Facebook.

He said he knows I meant what I said, and that it was one of the best things he'd ever heard because he knows I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it.

And he set up a second Facebook profile after our conversation, for the sole reason that when I was with him last week I said I wished I could tag him, post on his wall, etc., but couldn't because there are people on his main account to whom he would rather not explain our relationship.
__________________
Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "attachment", male, 44, undetermined
Best Friend: male, 38, platonic; the one who keeps me sane through all this!
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)
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  #3  
Old 04-29-2014, 10:47 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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So I tagged Hubby and Guy (under his new profile) on Facebook today... not realizing that Hubby has "real life" friends on his account. My post said something about wanting to make the people who love me proud of me, and a guy who used to work with Hubby and is friends with my father-in-law "liked" it.

Hubby said not to worry about it, so I'm not. But it does make me wonder how long this situation is going to stay as secret as Hubby wants it. He keeps saying he doesn't mind his parents and sister finding out, because we aren't doing anything wrong, but anytime there seems even a slight chance of them finding out, he gets twitchy. For example, I was going to write a blog post on my romance pen name's blog "coming out" to my readers as polyamorous, and Hubby vetoed it on the basis that even though I use a pen name on that blog, and even though I don't have very many followers, someone who knows I write romance novels under that name might see it and out me to people I don't want to be outed to.

His rationale didn't make any sense to me, but I respect him enough that I just made the post about polyamory in general and not about myself.

(Guy was happy about the idea of me doing the post about myself, but he respects Hubby too so was also okay with the compromise I made.)
__________________
Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "attachment", male, 44, undetermined
Best Friend: male, 38, platonic; the one who keeps me sane through all this!
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)
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  #4  
Old 04-30-2014, 04:13 AM
alibabe_muse's Avatar
alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is offline
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Have you ever written a poly romance novel at your blog?
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  #5  
Old 04-30-2014, 01:10 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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I don't write any kind of novels on my blog. I write blog posts. I write novels that are published by publishing companies. I have an MFM novel that was published in 2011.
__________________
Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "attachment", male, 44, undetermined
Best Friend: male, 38, platonic; the one who keeps me sane through all this!
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)
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  #6  
Old 05-05-2014, 10:22 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Hubby and I went to a party Saturday night with friends from the "swinger site" where I met him (and Guy). A woman Guy had an FWB thing while he was in my area was there... I'm not going into detail, because you never know who might be hanging around on here, but suffice it to say at the time, she kept acting like he was her boyfriend, he kept making it clear that no, he wasn't, he didn't want a relationship with her, and even now, nearly a year later, she still talks to me about it as if he was her boyfriend.

I had no problem with Guy and her getting together, but he talked to me at the time about feeling like she was pressuring him. And I know she told some of her friends that they were a couple and that the only reason they "broke up" was because he left the area.

I try not to be petty, but it's hard not to feel... something. Not jealousy; I don't have anything to be jealous about when it comes to her. But I was irked back then because Guy was uncomfortable and I'm protective of people I care about, and every time she and I see each other, she manages to bring up something about the time they were together. At the time, someone started a rumor that I wanted to hook up with Guy (not knowing that by that point we'd already been seeing each other and "hooking up" for two months) and told this woman; she got angry about it and Guy had to talk her down.

I have to admit I did feel a little bit of satisfaction when she asked about my recent trip and I told her which state I'd gone to (I'd posted in the chat room we belong to that I was taking a trip, but not to where). She looked completely surprised and asked if I'd visited Guy, which I said I had. I felt like her reaction--a big laugh and smile-- was a cover-up, but maybe I was just projecting.

I told Guy this morning about that conversation, mainly because I wanted him to be aware that I'd told her I'd seen him. He and I have agreed to be as open as Hubby will allow, and Guy has said he doesn't care if I tell the entire chat room we're together (Hubby doesn't care either if the chat room people know), but I still wanted him to know I'd told her just in case he hears about it from her or someone else.
__________________
Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "attachment", male, 44, undetermined
Best Friend: male, 38, platonic; the one who keeps me sane through all this!
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)
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  #7  
Old 08-05-2014, 09:17 PM
Marinad31 Marinad31 is offline
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A major cable network is looking for couples who have kept their love a secret for a once in a lifetime opportunity to show the world that love will prevail! This is an intimate portrayal of overcoming prejudice and circumstance to follow the passions of the heart.

If this sounds like you or someone you know, please contact secretlovecasting@gmail.com immediately. Tell us a bit about your relationship and why you’ve had to keep it a secret for so long.
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  #8  
Old 08-05-2014, 11:45 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Octopus, it's *his* hotel room; his job is paying for it during the duration of the project he's currently working on. And I can't afford to get a room elsewhere. Things aren't bad between him and me; I'm just not *feeling* right.
__________________
Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "attachment", male, 44, undetermined
Best Friend: male, 38, platonic; the one who keeps me sane through all this!
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)
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  #9  
Old 08-05-2014, 11:46 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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And Marinad, whoever you are, please don't spam MY BLOG with your junk. Thanks.
__________________
Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "attachment", male, 44, undetermined
Best Friend: male, 38, platonic; the one who keeps me sane through all this!
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)
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  #10  
Old 08-07-2014, 12:06 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Posts: 420
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I talked to Hubby the other night about the struggle with being here. He was sort of supportive, but really all he said was, "That sucks, I hope you feel better tomorrow." Which is pretty typical for him.

Yesterday I talked to Guy about some of it. He's way too in tune with me; no matter what I did, he would have picked up that something was wrong (and had already asked me several times if I was okay), and I hate lying.

I told him that I feel "off" about being here, and that I'm not entirely sure why. I think part of it is that I haven't gotten past the disconnect with him during the week I couldn't get hold of him. For a couple of reasons I won't get into, it's very difficult for me to form and maintain attachments to others, and it's very easy for those attachments to break. Even with Hubby, I've had times when I felt disconnected because his work schedule kept us from interacting for a day or two.

Guy asked flat out if any feelings I have for S2 might be a contributing factor, and I said no. Which is the truth. I think I may be developing feelings for S2, but that doesn't shut down my feelings for Guy or Hubby. Guy said something about S2 giving me everything I need because he lives near me, whereas Guy is 900 miles away, but that isn't the case. S2 gives me a lot, but he doesn't know the *whole* me. He sees the strong, confident, unashamed me. The neurotic, screwed-up, "everything I do is wrong" part, for whatever reason, doesn't come out when I'm with S2, which is one of the biggest benefits I've gotten from him.

But that means S2 isn't someone I can talk to when I'm struggling. And Hubby isn't really either; when I'm dealing with anxiety or a depressive episode, or something just plain has me stressed out, Hubby tries to listen and comfort, but after a short time he gets tired of listening, and he doesn't really comprehend how I'm feeling or what I need from him (even when I tell him what I need). Guy is the one who gives me that *emotional* support and comfort, even if he can't hold me when I'm upset.

I admitted to Guy that I'm in the process of re-evaluating a lot of things in my life, and my relationship with him is one of those things. He told me to do whatever is best for me, whether that's continuing with our relationship as is, or ending it, or whatever. He also said that since we don't see each other most of the time, if I choose to end the "relationship," not much will actually change, unless I also choose to cut him out of my life entirely. From his perspective, it doesn't matter if we're partners or friends, because the interactions will remain essentially the same, and his feelings for me won't change.

I've decided not to make any decisions about that for the time being. But having Guy say that took a lot of pressure off me.

And meanwhile, Guy found out last night that when he's finished his current work project, they're sending him back out to New England for a month or two. Meaning he'll be within driving distance of me.
__________________
Me: 44, cis-het female, poly
Hubby: my husband, 42, monogamous
S2: my "attachment", male, 44, undetermined
Best Friend: male, 38, platonic; the one who keeps me sane through all this!
My daughters: Alt (age 19) and Country (age 16)
S2's sons: Spikes (age 9) and Beads (age 6)
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