Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 04-17-2014, 09:41 PM
Keepinghidden Keepinghidden is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 10
Question How to Handle a Partners Jealousy When They're in Denial

Hi all, I'm an occasional lurker and was an occasional poster. I decided to setup a new account as I would rather my girlfriend didn't spot that I'm seeking advice on here.

There are PLENTY of threads on here labelled "how should I deal with jealousy?" but that's not what I'm after. I'm looking for how I can gently get a partner to realise that their jealous behaviour is hurting me and for her to make an aim towards altering that behaviour. I am also NOT looking to break up with her, push her away, pile blame on her or change her. Only she can change, but how do I make her want to?

We started dating last summer, first poly relationship for both of us and we were both already dating others at the time. Both our other relationships were long distance and we tried to avoid any kind of hierarchical system. Essentially we kind of treat ourselves as primaries and spend most of our time together but when things have got heated in the past she's thrown it down that I'm nothing but a bit on the side... that hurt. Especially since outside of arguments she says she wants me to be a meaningful part of her life.

So my other relationship broke down for unrelated issues - she was never jealous of this other girl. I think it was a case of out of sight, out of mind. Or maybe a case of she was there first what right do I have to tell her to go away?

Ever since then she has become VERY jealous of every girl I have come close to wanting to go on a date with. Each and every time she has a reason why I can't. Each and every reason is different and she always denies that each one has anything to do with jealousy. She's also talked to me before about her other partner getting close to someone else and has had similar reactions.

I've always brought it up with her before going on a date with anyone because I want to be honest. I want to share things with this girl who I love, not hide them. She's also told me before now that if she thought I was ever hiding something she couldn't cope with it so "don't ask, don't tell" isn't a solution. Not that I would ever call it a healthy solution anyway.

She flatly denies that she has a veto power and doesn't want to introduce one. However in the past when I have brought up the subject of me dating someone else she has a reason why it would impact our relationship, why it would cause her hurt and why I can't do it. If I were to go ahead with it then we would be over. THIS IS A VETO. However you look at it, this is a veto.

She also has a problem with who I date and how we date. Essentially she doesn't want me to date anyone in her social network; this means not dating anyone on the poly/kink scene or dating someone outside of my city, it also means not introducing any partner to that scene or friends within that scene. That makes it a logistical nightmare - that is my natural dating pool and my instinct if I dated someone outside of that pool would be to allow them a window into it.

It also strikes me as odd - dating someone who knows her means they are likely to have her best interests at heart? I get on well with my metamour and would like anyone I date to respect my other partners; if that respect is already there then that's a bonus. It also seems odd that she would not want me to date within the poly community - dating someone who is monogamous means there is more risk of them *trying* to steal me away. I wouldn't *let* it happen either way, but if someone was manipulatively minded enough then they could attempt to cause problems in a partners relationships - I'm sure this happens every now and then right?

I'm not going to pretend I haven't been jealous before, but I found ways of coping with it; namely I remind myself how happy her other relationship makes her and how happy she is that she has us both. I remind myself of the love rather than the sex

Other than that my only rules for her are that I want to know who, where and when. For instance "_____ and I went to the theatre on Sunday". I don't want to know what, how or why. "we held hands all the way through, when I put me head on his shoulder his beard felt all tickly - I love that about him". My only other rule is no oral sex unless she's in love with the other person, if she's in love then frankly it's none of my business what they get up to.

So back OT - How do I gently let her see that what she has been attempting to enforce is a veto? How do I get her to see that what she is doing is relating to jealousy? How do I get her to see that her approach to my relationships is unfair?

I'm keen to be very patient on this. There's no rush. We're both still quite new to this lifestyle and we're both still in our mid twenties so plenty of time for growing up yet.

Although I have kinda ended up having some really fun fantasies about her best mate the last few nights. She's a great girl and I'd love to get to know her more, but that breaks just about every rule and reason she's given simultaneously!! It's a shame because the fantasy yesterday involved all 4 of us living together and she would definitely have her best interests at heart. It was a nice little arrangement

Last edited by Keepinghidden; 04-17-2014 at 09:48 PM.
  #2  
Old 04-17-2014, 09:53 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 518
Default

And yet another story of a jealous girlfriend who wants two boyfriends all to herself (does the other guy/girl have other dating partners)?

I have nothing against this, in fact, I think poly usually works best with a series of interconnected vees. But I dislike the idea of forced, closed vees. I'd suggest, with this new girl, you gently inform her of your interest. When she inevitably objects, inform her, politely, that you need a good, specific reason why it will take away from your and her relationship, or why she doesn't trust the other girl.

If she can't, tell her you're sorry she's choosing to leave you over this, but you want her to be happy.
  #3  
Old 04-17-2014, 10:28 PM
Inyourendo's Avatar
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: sw missouri
Posts: 935
Default

Date who you want an then she will have no choice but to confront her emotions. All those restrictions basically make it impossible for you to date ie way to control you.
__________________
Sue, openly in a vee with Nate (polysexual, many fwb) and Sam (Mono)
  #4  
Old 04-17-2014, 10:32 PM
Inyourendo's Avatar
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: sw missouri
Posts: 935
Default

Although if I had a boundary that my friends was off limits I would expect my partner to respect that. Nate has had encounters with multiple friends of mine but it's my preference to no be involved in his relationships and not have contact with the people he's involved with.
__________________
Sue, openly in a vee with Nate (polysexual, many fwb) and Sam (Mono)
  #5  
Old 04-17-2014, 10:39 PM
moon1336's Avatar
moon1336 moon1336 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 5
Default

Uhhh then maybe she doesn't truly want a poly relationship

I mean if my boyfriends were talking to other girls... I would admit I would be a little jelly, but at the same time... I HAVE TWO BOYFRIENDS. Lol. I already feel selfish by sharing me.. lol, but then be more selfish, and not let them have ladies as well? Noooo. That's not right.
  #6  
Old 04-18-2014, 02:14 AM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

Have a look at this thread. It deals with a similar theme.

This is common manipulative behaviour.
  #7  
Old 04-18-2014, 03:48 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,087
Default

Quote:
She flatly denies that she has a veto power and doesn't want to introduce one. However in the past when I have brought up the subject of me dating someone else she has a reason why it would impact our relationship, why it would cause her hurt and why I can't do it. If I were to go ahead with it then we would be over.
What are the reasons? You do not state.

Because if she's just had her other BF's mother die, and she's stressing out supporting him, maybe asking you to hold off dating new people to spare her new stress for a month or so is reasonable enough to hold off a bit.

Is she able to articulate boundaries for both sides? "Please do not do ____. Doing ___ is ok." Or is she hung up on all the "not do" side? And never moving on to defining the "do this" part of the parameters she's proposing for this new stage of poly life with you?

Maybe addressing the jealousy by reading an article helps. Ask her what she needs more of. Page 5 & 6 on this are sometimes helpful.

Or just SKIP the "jealousy" fusspot. It's a "side argument" if she's in denial that she is jealous. You are spending energy trying to convince her to label the feelings as "jealous" is throwing energy down the black hole.

Maybe moving ON to practicalities and spending energy there instead is better. Like...

"OK, you suggest no doing X. What do you suggest I CAN do so that I can meet wanting to date other people and meet your need to feel safe?"

Negotiate. You are free to decline her suggestions for not being realistic or reasonable. You can explain why they are not realistic or reasonable to you. You could communicate your OWN suggestions for how to handle this new stage of poly life -- you dating again. Work it out.

Your current agreement is that you both ARE participating in a polyship where both can date so... get on with defining the new boundaries now that your previous partner is no more and you are ready to date and seek new partner.

Change is sometimes hard for people, but change is inevitable in living. So... sort it out.

Hang in there!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-18-2014 at 12:36 PM.
  #8  
Old 04-18-2014, 06:37 AM
jayt jayt is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Central Oklahoma
Posts: 40
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Keepinghidden View Post
I'm looking for how I can gently get a partner to realise that their jealous behaviour is hurting me and for her to make an aim towards altering that behaviour.
-----
So back OT - How do I gently let her see that what she has been attempting to enforce is a veto? How do I get her to see that what she is doing is relating to jealousy? How do I get her to see that her approach to my relationships is unfair?
You very gently, in a soft tone of voice, say... "My feelings are hurt."

Then you tell her why.

If that is not effective, then you decide to stay anyway.... or not.

Last edited by nycindie; 04-19-2014 at 02:17 AM. Reason: fixed QUOTE formatting
  #9  
Old 04-18-2014, 10:24 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,289
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Keepinghidden View Post
Ever since then she has become VERY jealous of every girl I have come close to wanting to go on a date with. Each and every time she has a reason why I can't. Each and every reason is different and she always denies that each one has anything to do with jealousy.
She can classify her reactions any way she wants. It does sound like she's either in denial or a bit confused but that's irrelevant. As SC pointed out, you just need to decide where your priorities lie. Are you happy capitulating to her wishes or are you going to let her know that you will be making your own decisions from now on? As far as I can tell you have to pick one.

If you do decide to have this conversation I would avoid classifying her feelings for her. That's counter productive and not really your business. All you get to do is decide what is and what is not going to work for you... be kind and all that... but more important is to be honest about *your* decisions.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Keepinghidden View Post
Essentially she doesn't want me to date anyone in her social network; this means not dating anyone on the poly/kink scene or dating someone outside of my city, it also means not introducing any partner to that scene or friends within that scene. That makes it a logistical nightmare - that is my natural dating pool and my instinct if I dated someone outside of that pool would be to allow them a window into it.
So she is not "out" about being polyamorous?
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Closed Thread

Tags
feelings, jealousy, metamours, relationship model, rules

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:02 PM.