Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 04-12-2014, 10:49 PM
rottendaughter rottendaughter is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 4
Red face New to poly, meeting his wife tonight!

Hello! I've recently started dating a poly guy, I have no issues at all with the lifestyle. Taking to it quite naturally actually. Tonight I am meeting his wife for the first time! Very nervous and a little excited! She does have veto rights, and that worries me. Not that I think she will use them. I figure he wouldn't allow us to get this far I he felt she wouldn't like me.
Any advice??
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 04-12-2014, 11:03 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,208
Default

No advice here, since I will absolutely not date anyone who allows a partner to veto another, but just wanted to wish you luck.

Oh, and maybe I do have some advice... be yourself. Don't try to impress - if you're nervous, it's okay to say so. And let them do most of the talking. This is a good opportunity for you to observe how they relate and interact with each other, and hopefully you will gain some insight into how he handles his relationships with women, especially one whom he is letting call the shots for a relationship she isn't in.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 04-12-2014, 11:18 PM
Openbiman Openbiman is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 18
Default

No informed advice to offer, as I'm sort of on the other side of your exact situation right now: my wife will be meeting my most-significant outside partner next week, if plans come off. So I'm sort of able to channel what she's said she hopes for out of that meeting to you:

She definitely doesn't want to feel she's "competing" with him right there over dinner, so any overtly flirty stuff from him would spark her the wrong way.

She does want to get to know him, a bit, without me being an overly-active mediator, so I've promised to try to let their conversation take its natural course without attempting to be a go-between. I think for you that translates to: try to talk to her as directly as possible, not talk to her through him.

She'll appreciate any PDA between me and him being kept to a publically-appropriate minimum, e.g. a strong hug at greeting and parting.

She did say to me with a smile, "You're sitting on the same side of the table as I am, and he'll be across from us." :-)

Good luck--I think just being yourself and signaling to her that you're not a threat to their relationship are the key objectives. Have fun!
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 04-12-2014, 11:49 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,208
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Openbiman View Post
She did say to me with a smile, "You're sitting on the same side of the table as I am, and he'll be across from us."
I recommend a round table so there is no power imbalance!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 04-13-2014, 03:18 AM
rottendaughter rottendaughter is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 4
Question

Back now. I really couldn't read her. At times we seemed to be doing very well, then others seemed like she could care less. It ended very abruptly, her saying "I'll let you two say good bye" then walking off. I had to yell "nice meeting you!" To her back as she walked away. I didn't get to say thanks either.
On top of that he wasnt able to get a read on her either! I asked him how he thought it went and he said he didn't know. His lack of confidence scares me.
So now I'm home, more nervous now than I was before.
I don't agree with the veto right either, but I respect their agreement to have it. All I want is the chance for us to keep developing naturally as we have been doing.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 04-13-2014, 03:22 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,208
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by rottendaughter View Post
I don't agree with the veto right either, but I respect their agreement to have it. All I want is the chance for us to keep developing naturally as we have been doing.
But a relationship can't develop naturally with a veto hanging over it.

Well, anyway, it sounds like it was perhaps very awkward for all of you. I hope things go well.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 04-13-2014, 03:58 AM
rottendaughter rottendaughter is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 4
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
But a relationship can't develop naturally with a veto hanging over it.
I can see that. How can you let yourself really completely fall for someone if you know at any moment an outside party can just cut it off?
Up until tonight it hasn't been discussed really. She's known about me since day one. Shouldn't she have vetoed then? Before we both developed actual feelings? Seems like If you're going to have veto power, that would be the humane thing to do. If she says no now, she hurts us both.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 04-13-2014, 04:50 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,288
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by rottendaughter View Post
"I'll let you two say good bye" then walking off. I had to yell "nice meeting you!" To her back as she walked away. I didn't get to say thanks either.
Yikes. That is a pretty sour encounter.

I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone while some outside party could tell them to dump me... that sounds awful and belittling. It also wouldn't turn me on very much to date someone who allows their partner to tell them what to do like that lol.

Have you spoken frankly with him about this veto bullshit? You don't sound like you're thrilled to have it hanging over your head so I suggest you get out in front of it. Good luck!
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 04-13-2014, 06:41 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 988
Default

What Marcus said...

If it was me I would not get involved with this potential nightmare. How can you develop a relationship with the sword of damocles hanging over your head.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 04-13-2014, 07:12 PM
Inyourendo's Avatar
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: sw missouri
Posts: 826
Default

yeah the fact that she was so cold and rude to you would send me some huge red flags.
__________________
Sue, openly in a vee with Nate (polysexual, many fwb) and Sam (Mono)
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:33 AM.