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Old 04-03-2014, 11:24 PM
Snic85 Snic85 is offline
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Default Feeling disrespected

My husband is in his first relationship since we became poly. He isn't the best at communication and it's causing issues.
First time I felt disrespected was when he had his gf over and only told me minutes before she showed up. We did talk about the possibility of having significant others over but we never agreed to it. FYI I wasn't home. After she left, I briefly let him know that I wasn't okay with him not discussing it with me prior and making sure that I was okay with it. Since I didn't blow up and make a huge deal about it, he thought it was okay to have her over again with out talking to me, this time I blew up. It's not a huge deal, I just want to be included in what's going on.

Second time I was having a really bad day so he canceled his date with her willingly to stay with me, but he used our daughter as the excuse. By not telling her that he canceled to stay home and support me on a difficult day, I feel like he disrespected not only me but our marriage as well.

The third time was after a long week of arguing, we finally had a nice after noon with out fighting. His gf invited him out last minute and he asked if he could go, I said no. It upset me that after a long week of fighting he didn't want to spend a nice evening/night with me. Well it turns out he was only trying to be "nice" he didn't care what my answer was he was going anyway. FYI he had made plans ahead of time to see her the next night as well.

He usually sees her once a week, sometimes twice. We have little time together. He often gets home from work after 7 mom-fri and I work 12hr shifts sat and sun, so that's also why I was so upset when he choose to go out last minute.

Before these things happend I was happy for him and encouraged his relationship. Now, I'm really not supportive of it at all.
So, am I the one over reacting and having a difficult time adjusting or is he? Or both?
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Old 04-04-2014, 01:45 AM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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I can relate to your situation when it comes to crummy work schedules. My hubby also works Monday through Friday (only he gets home significantly later than yours) and I work weekends (although not as long of a shift as you). So, yeah, time is super important and communicating about how you're spending your time is important, too. Add in kids, and I'd be going nuts.

Are you over-reacting? Not really (IMO). Your house is your space, so you have a right to know when/if people are going to be in it. It's also his space, though, so if you're not there it's not really your place to ask him not to have someone over. Unless it's someone who makes you feel unsafe or have a good reason to not want in the house. Not wanting her there when you get home from a shitty day - fair, but if it's their date night you can't get upset if he's not there either.

Do you two set aside specific date nights for yourself? If not, start! You can't ask him to just automatically dedicate every night to you unless you give him permission to see his girlfriend. If you need x amount of time, tell him that and then set up a schedule.
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Old 04-04-2014, 01:51 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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You're overreacting.

You can't control every minute he sees her. You fought every night for a week and then were surprised he made plans to see her? Stop controlling his time with her and focus on communicating your needs to him.

Also, imo, you're lucky he used the daughter excuse. That way he protected you by not letting the girlfriend have a reason to resent you.
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Old 04-04-2014, 02:00 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Would having a set schedule work for you? Say certain days/times are aet aside for each of you thatway you ccan't feel resentful for the time because it's what you agreed to.

Also put yourself in his shoes. When you have a partner wouldn't you want them to be able to come to your home?
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Old 04-04-2014, 03:18 AM
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Bluebird Bluebird is offline
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Putting limits on his relationship with her is not the way to go here. Instead, focus on what you need. If it is a dedicated date night for the two of you, then do that. But telling him he can't see her isn't fair to either of them. She may need 2 or 3 dates a week to feel connected, while maybe you would be ok with only 1. Don't compare what she is getting with what you are getting - instead focus on your needs and go from there.
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Old 04-04-2014, 04:20 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Snic85 View Post
My husband is in his first relationship since we became poly. He isn't the best at communication and it's causing issues.
First time I felt disrespected was when he had his gf over and only told me minutes before she showed up. We did talk about the possibility of having significant others over but we never agreed to it. FYI I wasn't home. After she left, I briefly let him know that I wasn't okay with him not discussing it with me prior and making sure that I was okay with it. Since I didn't blow up and make a huge deal about it, he thought it was okay to have her over again with out talking to me, this time I blew up. It's not a huge deal, I just want to be included in what's going on.
Do you clear every visitor who stops by to see you with him?

Quote:
Second time I was having a really bad day so he canceled his date with her willingly to stay with me, but he used our daughter as the excuse. By not telling her that he canceled to stay home and support me on a difficult day, I feel like he disrespected not only me but our marriage as well.
I bet the reason he laid the blame on you daughter was to avoid making you look like a controlling jerk.

Quote:
The third time was after a long week of arguing, we finally had a nice after noon with out fighting. His gf invited him out last minute and he asked if he could go, I said no. It upset me that after a long week of fighting he didn't want to spend a nice evening/night with me. Well it turns out he was only trying to be "nice" he didn't care what my answer was he was going anyway. FYI he had made plans ahead of time to see her the next night as well.

He usually sees her once a week, sometimes twice. We have little time together. He often gets home from work after 7 mom-fri and I work 12hr shifts sat and sun, so that's also why I was so upset when he choose to go out last minute.

Before these things happend I was happy for him and encouraged his relationship. Now, I'm really not supportive of it at all.
So, am I the one over reacting and having a difficult time adjusting or is he? Or both?
Of course he wanted to see her. YOU are a source of stress in his life right now. He needed to get away for a bit. Sometimes people need time away to get their head on straight, take a deep breath, and come back in a calmer place.

What about HER needs relationship wise? What about HIS? Their wants and needs are just as valid as yours.
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Old 04-05-2014, 05:33 AM
base2 base2 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
Also, imo, you're lucky he used the daughter excuse. That way he protected you by not letting the girlfriend have a reason to resent you.
This sounds to me like your husband was maintaining your privacy, not sharing all of the details your life with his partner. IMO this sound like very respectful behaviour.
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Old 04-05-2014, 05:49 AM
ffcep2 ffcep2 is offline
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My question to you would be are you poly as well and do you have anyone you are dating? The reason I ask is, has he set ground rules for you? If not then just talk about your boundaries if there are any. New relationships are fun but that doesn't mean your not his core. Communication is the key.....
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Old 04-05-2014, 01:47 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ffcep2 View Post
My question to you would be are you poly as well and do you have anyone you are dating? The reason I ask is, has he set ground rules for you? If not then just talk about your boundaries if there are any. New relationships are fun but that doesn't mean your not his core. Communication is the key.....
The op recently went through a break up with a bf whom she had an intensely emotional relationship of 4 moths. She was quite angry and bitter regarding that relationship.(which is understandable.) So she has at least tried on poly.
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  #10  
Old 04-04-2014, 04:38 AM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Snic85 View Post
First time I felt disrespected was when he had his gf over and only told me minutes before she showed up. We did talk about the possibility of having significant others over but we never agreed to it. FYI I wasn't home. After she left, I briefly let him know that I wasn't okay with him not discussing it with me prior and making sure that I was okay with it. Since I didn't blow up and make a huge deal about it, he thought it was okay to have her over again with out talking to me, this time I blew up. It's not a huge deal, I just want to be included in what's going on.
Hmm. Normally I'd just say that it's his house too and he should have just as much use and enjoyment as you do, but two things seem a bit off. First, and maybe it's because I come from the South, but you give your family notice before company comes over. That's a no no. Second, this was the first time. A partner that understood that changing the relationship was a big deal would have tried to ease the transition. You do that with communication. Lots of communication.

You'll hear about NRE from a lot of people here and they're right. It can make people do silly things. They're all caught up in a new love/frienship/lust and they put blinders on.

Some of the more stern poly people around here might say that poly partners can have independent lives where there's very little communication as long as nobody gets harmed. IF that's what you want, great...but it needs to be decided beforehand.

Overall this wasn't great, but not something that should damage your relationship like a betrayal of trust.

Quote:
Second time I was having a really bad day so he canceled his date with her willingly to stay with me, but he used our daughter as the excuse. By not telling her that he canceled to stay home and support me on a difficult day, I feel like he disrespected not only me but our marriage as well.
My opinion on this one is it's a non-issue. He gave the least amount of info possible and didn't make you the bad guy. His relationship with her and his reasons for not seeing her are between them if it doesn't directly impact you...and this didn't. I'm assuming she already knows about you, so it's not like he's hiding you.

Quote:
The third time was after a long week of arguing, we finally had a nice after noon with out fighting. His gf invited him out last minute and he asked if he could go, I said no. It upset me that after a long week of fighting he didn't want to spend a nice evening/night with me. Well it turns out he was only trying to be "nice" he didn't care what my answer was he was going anyway. FYI he had made plans ahead of time to see her the next night as well.

He usually sees her once a week, sometimes twice. We have little time together. He often gets home from work after 7 mom-fri and I work 12hr shifts sat and sun, so that's also why I was so upset when he choose to go out last minute.

Before these things happend I was happy for him and encouraged his relationship. Now, I'm really not supportive of it at all.
So, am I the one over reacting and having a difficult time adjusting or is he? Or both?
All you can do, ultimately, is express your needs, listen to his, and the both of you accept as much of what the other wants as you can.

Applying that here, you told him what you wanted and he chose to make a different decision. When you're together explain why you felt how you did and maybe that will make an impression on him. Someone has suggested a schedule, try that, but don't be afraid to deviate from it.

One of the things any new polyamorist is going to have to learn, at least from my experience, is how to become more independent. Obviously if your personal needs mean you require more time, express that, but don't demand it.
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