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  #1  
Old 04-02-2014, 05:07 AM
DaCoda DaCoda is offline
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Cool Flirting with Monos

I live in an area where poly is not that popular. That being said I have recently decided with to become poly and have a finacee about an hour away. Since most of the women here are religious, and possibly all of the women here are monos I wind up flirting with mono girls. I mean, I don't seek them out, but if I like a girl I'm going to probably not jump right to asking her how she feels about monogamy. My fiancee has a similar problem. A guy she has been in a state of mutual like with for our five year monogamy has become offended that instead of wanting him in a mono relationship she wants him in a poly lifestyle.

I find that they then wind up learning that I have a finacee and either, thinking I'm trying to cheat, or thinking I'm just an overly flirty guy that means well.

What are some expiriences you have had with enjoying a person and not being able to further you relationship because they were not happy with the idea of poly?

Do you find it best to just avoid obviously mono people? Does this not drastically reduce the pool of potental friends?

Have you ever expirienced any conversions, where you met someone, explained your lifestle, and they said "sign me up" and things went great?

I'm sorry if this has been posted previously. I had seen all sorts of similar stuff, but nothing on this specifically.

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  #2  
Old 04-02-2014, 05:15 AM
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I don't meet people who don't find out I am poly before the topic of interest in one another crops up because I am very vocal about my family; which includea husband, bf, kids, grandkids.
There isn't a large community of polys here, and we live in the "Bible belt" of our state.
However- I see no point in deluding myself or someone else abou who I am and what to expect of me. Maybe that was part and parcel of being the black sheep of the family my whole life. I dont know. But it seems like a complete waste of my time to even consider someone unless they know who I am and accept me for who I am.
I had enough headaches and drama to get to the point in my life where I can freely be me. I don't intend to recerse back into the closet.
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Old 04-02-2014, 05:41 AM
DaCoda DaCoda is offline
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That is a wonderful place to be in your life, to be able to live that honestly. I live between two cities, one larger and more liberal than then other. In Florence, AL all my friends and any girls I meet know I'm newly poly. However, Double Springs is tiny. The largest building is the church. My family lives here and I live with them, including adolescent brothers, for free. So, I am not rocking the boat by coming out as poly. They would just call it a "phase" anyways. This happens to also be the community I hope to open a business in within a year. It is why I moved here. I can't afford to be blackballed in the first city I go into business in. So, when talking to DS girls I keep it quiet. I wouldn't even seek out a local girl, but a couple have caught my eye. I mean. I'm fine with friendship. I'm not less interested in a woman because I can't sleep with her. It is just an ironic time in my life to beembrace my new lifestyle choice.


It kinda sucks. I just had a great phone conversation with a wonderful woman. I'm hoping to at least be friends, but I can't enjoy the post connection jittets of a new relationship potential because I have this worry that she will not even be friendly. I did make the decision of tactfilly mentioning my fiancée so that I can not be conceived as miss leading her.
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Old 04-02-2014, 06:07 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DaCoda View Post
I find that they then wind up learning that I have a finacee and either, thinking I'm trying to cheat, or thinking I'm just an overly flirty guy that means well.

What are some expiriences you have had with enjoying a person and not being able to further you relationship because they were not happy with the idea of poly?

Do you find it best to just avoid obviously mono people? Does this not drastically reduce the pool of potential friends?
Well, you probably want to avoid mono people for dating. It can work, but it never seems to be worth the trouble, from my outsider's perspective. So of course that reduces your pool of potential partners.

However, there seems to be some contradiction in your question. If you really are just looking at monos as potential friends, doesn't that make "just an overly flirty guy that means well" a fairly accurate description?

If you're enjoying a person, then just enjoy them without putting expectations on how the relationship will develop. However, if you're not enjoying "just friends" then perhaps look into a different dating pool.
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Old 04-02-2014, 12:12 PM
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I meant to reply to your post on the Alabama post earlier and forgot. My memory is not my strong point. lol

Alabama can be a tough state for anyone outside the norm. The whole darn place is the Bible Belt. I've lived here all my life and just accept it as it is. I'm in the closet as far as work is concerned and will stay that way. I'm a remote employee, so it's a lot easier than it would normally be. Leo is very outgoing and open about everything in the world so between that and wanting to keep my friends from trying to run him over if they see him with another woman, I'm out in my community. It's not always easy. He's the one actively dating and a lot of women think he's cheating. He actively encourages his interests to talk to me to keep everything above board. Small towns are even more difficult. If you don't intend on dating locally, I suggest saving flirting with local women until they know you well and know it's all in good fun. Unless you plan to open a tattoo parlor, it will make life as a business owner a lot easier to keep a good reputation in the local community.
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Old 04-02-2014, 01:12 PM
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I pursued sam knowing he was monogamous. I figured he's either going to be open-minded and Willing to be with me or not. I won't be a secondary to someone or enter a triad with a couple so monogamous people is really my only option.
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Old 04-02-2014, 02:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Inyourendo View Post
I won't be a secondary to someone or enter a triad with a couple so monogamous people is really my only option.
Only option? How about people who have other partners but don't view relationships hierarchically or single people who are open to multiple partners?

Personally I don't want to date mono people. Although I have never been in a situation where I was interested in someone mono who would still be interested in me knowing I'm poly, so I guess never say never.. But I prefer people who have similar values/worldview than me and I consider this poly/mono thing to be quite a big deal. I've never even been on a date with anyone who identifies as mono after I started identifying as poly. I meet people mainly at poly meetups/events/parties and through OKC (although I haven't met any of my current or past partners through OKC, just been on a few dates).
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Old 04-02-2014, 03:16 PM
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Well if its a poly person who doesn't have a live in partner and doesn't plan on moving someone else in that would be an option. I won't date people who have live in partners or children.
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Old 04-02-2014, 03:44 PM
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I think most people (in certain age brackets or demographics, anyway) started out in mono relationships and discovered poly afterward, so I see nothiing wrong in letting your interest in a momogamous person be known.
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  #10  
Old 04-02-2014, 04:34 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Another Alabamian chiming in here. Yes, Alabama is tough for poly-talk socially, but it's not impossible.

There was recently a thread about how to advertise one's self on dating sites. I'd read that if I were you because there are a range of opinions that tie into this one.

You'd be surprised how many mono people in Alabama (at least where I am in "the big city" ha ha) can wrap their heads around it if you explain it to them. Some say you should explain it in your dating profile, but I disagree. I think explaining in person can work wonders to get past that poly stigma barrier.

Speaking of dating sites...are you using any dating apps? Like Tinder, OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, or DateHookup? Generally if you do get a back and forth going on there, the under 35 year olds using these apps can handle a conversation about polyamory pretty well.

That's just my quick and dirty advice.
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