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  #1  
Old 03-27-2014, 11:44 AM
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Default Poly messages on dating sites

I've bumped into a lot of poly people I already know locally on OKCupid. Messaging them is usually pretty easy but I am finding I have lots of trouble messaging people I don't already know. The chief pattern I've noticed is that if I DON'T mention polyamory in my message, I am much more likely to get a response. What the heck???

Obviously this also holds true with people who are not poly (or at least don't say so in their profile). For me, it would seem disingenuous to hide the fact that I'm poly just for the sake of getting more responses.

I tried that once and got a coffee date on practically the first message. The girl was energetic and outgoing and didn't even read my profile. So it became apparent that she thought I was single. Awkward.

Before I was poly I learned how to message single monogamous people and get responses but apparently there's something I'm missing in messaging poly people. What gives? To be up front and honest or mildly evasive through omission?
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Old 03-27-2014, 12:05 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Here are my thoughts. I'm sure they deviate from conventional wisdom.

You aren't looking to get locked down right away, are you? So being poly is similar (not the exact same, mind you) to simply dating many people at the same time. I'm college, I did that and it was pretty well understood that others were doing that too. I don't just mean having sex, but actually dating.

I don't think that you have to make a big thing out of the label "poly" so that it gets a weird reaction. Just say you're dating other people. If they ask about those people, I wouldn't hide the length or significance of those people you are dating, but at least until you see if the new date is even going somewhere, I don't think you're sinning by omission to say that you date other people. Anyone who expects a monogamous commitment on the first date is a stage 4 clinger.

But I'm an odd duck.
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Old 03-27-2014, 12:15 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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RedPanda, I'm assuming you say in your profile that you're poly?

I completely disagree about it not being a lie of omission. When someone is dating multiple people, there is an expectation that eventually one will be chosen for the monogamous commitment. Living in the world we do, there's every reason to believe this.

If, however, you already have a permanent, lifetime commitment, house, children, marriage, etc. with someone else, then this is not the same as simply dating multiple people, because you cannot offer at any time in the future what most people expect dating to eventually lead to.

For most people on dating sites, that monogamous commitment is really the ultimate point and goal. To simply not mention that you're not offering that is a huge and vital omission.

If you've already mentioned it on your profile, then you've said it, but I think I would personally say it in a message, too, to be absolutely clear.
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Old 03-27-2014, 01:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vanquish View Post
Here are my thoughts. I'm sure they deviate from conventional wisdom.

You aren't looking to get locked down right away, are you? So being poly is similar (not the exact same, mind you) to simply dating many people at the same time. I'm college, I did that and it was pretty well understood that others were doing that too. I don't just mean having sex, but actually dating.

I don't think that you have to make a big thing out of the label "poly" so that it gets a weird reaction. Just say you're dating other people. If they ask about those people, I wouldn't hide the length or significance of those people you are dating, but at least until you see if the new date is even going somewhere, I don't think you're sinning by omission to say that you date other people. Anyone who expects a monogamous commitment on the first date is a stage 4 clinger.

But I'm an odd duck.
That's a good point. I have to consider the motivations of the people I'm messaging. A lot of twenty-somethings are not looking for anything serious so if I say I'm dating they are not intimidated by something scary like polyamory.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
RedPanda, I'm assuming you say in your profile that you're poly?

I completely disagree about it not being a lie of omission. When someone is dating multiple people, there is an expectation that eventually one will be chosen for the monogamous commitment. Living in the world we do, there's every reason to believe this.

If, however, you already have a permanent, lifetime commitment, house, children, marriage, etc. with someone else, then this is not the same as simply dating multiple people, because you cannot offer at any time in the future what most people expect dating to eventually lead to.

For most people on dating sites, that monogamous commitment is really the ultimate point and goal. To simply not mention that you're not offering that is a huge and vital omission.

If you've already mentioned it on your profile, then you've said it, but I think I would personally say it in a message, too, to be absolutely clear.
Yeah I see this too. I do say it in my profile and I do have a committed life partner (not that I wouldn't mind having two) but yeah that's a LOT for someone else to chew on especially from a first message! I can imagine them thinking whoa! Too much emotion and strings and feels, red alert! Do not!
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Old 03-27-2014, 01:50 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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I agree that the audience/recipient does control the message. With a younger crowd, the method above works. I can say that confidently, because that's the method my partner uses. Does she shy away from explaining she's with a committed partner when asked? No. Does she scare them away with it in her dating profile? Also no. If you're on a dating website you're presumably an adult. An adult can ask a simple question or questions about the person's dating situation on a first date. I can tell you anecdotally that of the younger crowd she dates, its no big deal because many of them are also dating multiple people. That's something you can find out when you get to know each other in my opinion.
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  #6  
Old 03-27-2014, 02:04 PM
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By not sharing the fact that one is married, dating someone long term, or a domestic partnership is a douche bag move.. Saying you are "dating" or "seeing" others gives the impression that may or will change down the line.

How about being honest.? Lying by omission to bolster your response rate and dating poll is disgusting.
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Old 03-27-2014, 02:15 PM
vanquish vanquish is offline
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Putting to the side that you basically just insulted someone I love (and me), you're missing my point. The question is not IF they deserve to know. I've already said they do. The question is WHEN. And furthermore, you're assuming for the sake of argument that the person listing the profile is committed to someone long-term. The OP didn't post that. The OP simply said they are poly.

Go ahead and make a bunch of assumptions about the people you're interacting with. Assumptions that don't hold true in reality in the area that I live in. Besides calling it a lie and being disgusted, you haven't addressed my point that other people are capable of handling the information on a first date or when they ask. You've also failed to address the idea that a lot of people reading the profile may be dating multiple people themselves, but have an irrational reaction to seeing the word "poly".

EDIT: In addition, I've seen people on this board (I believe london, but don't hold me to that) say it's no one's business who you're dating and that relationships can be kept separate.
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  #8  
Old 03-27-2014, 05:32 PM
friskyone4u friskyone4u is offline
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Default Messages on Dating Sites

Lets face some facts folks . The overwhelming number of men are not going to be put off by anything a woman puts out on her status. As a matter of fact if she states she is married or in a committed relationship but still dating that will translate to most men that this could be a great FWB and probably surely sex if it works out. Most women on these sites will not be interested if the same statement is made by a man. I do agree with Dagferi that there should be no intentional deceipt
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  #9  
Old 03-27-2014, 05:39 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is online now
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From what I hear from my single mono male friends... Online dating is a bitch.

Add on being poly I am sure that makes things even harder .
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
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  #10  
Old 03-27-2014, 05:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
From what I hear from my single mono male friends... Online dating is a bitch.

Add on being poly I am sure that makes things even harder .
There are a lot of flaky, crazy people on internet dating. Male and female. It's hard enough to sift through all the people who aren't even serious about meeting other humans.
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