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Old 03-23-2014, 12:11 AM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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Default keeping loves seperate

I'd like to know if anyone here maintains multiple relationships which are lived out entirely separate from one another--I mean, your lovers do not interact at all for whatever reason. I'd also like to hear from those of you who don't have an even casual relationship with your "metamour." How does this level of compartmentalization affect you and your relationships?

Obviously, purely sexual, casual relationships works fine within these circumstances, but I'm wondering more about long-term relationships. Can they be sustained while keeping "worlds from colliding?"
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Old 03-23-2014, 02:11 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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My partners do not interact
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Old 03-23-2014, 04:15 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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My husbands do not interact other than holidays and important kid events.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
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Old 03-23-2014, 05:14 AM
westVan westVan is offline
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Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
I'd also like to hear from those of you who don't have an even casual relationship with your "metamour."
I have no contact with my bf's other partner.
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Old 03-23-2014, 06:52 AM
london london is offline
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My metamour prefers to think of me as an elderly pet and ignore the fact he's in a serious relationship which is a big commitment in his life. Separate relationships absolutely work. However, her extreme level of discomfort and general lack of consideration for his other commitments is not compatible with the level of relationship she obviously wants with him. Her approach means he will need to pick between us more often in the future and it means we never discuss things as a three. She's the last to know and plans are made which indirectly affect her but she has no real say in.

Unfortunately, neither her or my partner understand why this isn't sustainable but they'll live and learn.
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Old 03-23-2014, 11:12 AM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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@Inyourendo, so how does that work? For example, if you're out with friends and one partner is there, would you NOT invite the other? If you were to throw a party, could you invite them both or no?

@WestVan, does your bf introduce both of you to friends, or does only one partner meet friends and family? Is it a primary/secondary type relationship or some other structure?

@London that's exactly what I'm trying to tell my husband, who wants zero interaction with anyone else in my life. I'm to keep everything separate and away from him. I say that will severely limit how close I'm allowed to get to someone else, and also will cut hubby out of big parts of my life.
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Old 03-23-2014, 11:46 AM
Devirajni Devirajni is offline
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I have not met my boyfriend's husband, 11 months in. The BF and I live in the same town; his husband lives in another state. I think if we all lived close, we would have met already. His husband visits our town every six weeks or so for a weekend or a few days and he goes there.

My BF's immediate family live in the area, but I have not met them either. His husband regularly accompanies him to his family events when he visits. I have expressed interest in meeting them, and my BF has said that it will happen.

My BF may be an extreme compartmentalizer; when he is with me, he does not text or call his husband, and when he is with his husband, he does not contact me unless I specifically ask for it. Any item of clothing or jewelry I may have left at his house is put away when his husband visits, and I have never seen any evidence of his husband when I am over.

He has expressed frustration with having to be compartmentalized in this way and that things would be much easier if we all lived closer so that he could divide his time between us (geographically speaking). I don't think his polyshipping style is an inclusive one. On the other hand, he has said that it would be "wonderful" if his husband and I could be friends. For my part, I am not yet in a place where I could walk into a venue and see him and his husband together in a couple-y way and be okay - but I'm a hardwired mono.
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Old 03-23-2014, 12:09 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Quote:
How does this level of compartmentalization affect you and your relationships?
At the time -- I let them each know I was seeing the other, and gave them contact info. So if they wanted to talk and form their own friendship or whatever they could. They didn't -- they were cordial the few times they had to interact but not into more than that. But I'd done my job in terms of providing contact info.

It worked out fine -- in terms of keeping things separate. One was LDR so geography was helpful in keeping things separate. BF1 handled jealousy on his own without telling me much about it. BF2 struggled with jealousy and fussed at me some but eventually got over it. Everyone is different.

It also worked out challenging -- because after a point I was tired of the compartmentalization and things had to change around and then the geography (which previously had been a boon) was now a PITA. BF2 and I broke up and faded to friends and then faded to memories. It was a good experience.

But I wouldn't want to compartmentalize for long haul today. At the time having (multiple non-primary) as the open relationship model was great. I want something else now. It is entirely possible for time to pass and for me to want that model again, though. People are not static -- even oneself.

HTH!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-23-2014 at 12:20 PM.
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Old 03-23-2014, 08:41 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
@Inyourendo, so how does that work? For example, if you're out with friends and one partner is there, would you NOT invite the other? If you were to throw a party, could you invite them both or no?
If I threw a party who came would depend on who's night and who's home. If it was at mine and Sam's place I wouldn't invite nate and same if it waa mine and Nate's I would not invite sam. i dont have any close friends and neither does nate so scheduling around social activities isnt an issue.

Now sam came over one day thinking I would be home and he and nate hung out for a bit. It was awkward for both but someday I do plan on having sam move in so they will over the years get used to each other.
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Old 03-23-2014, 09:09 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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Now sam came over one day thinking I would be home and he and nate hung out for a bit. It was awkward for both but someday I do plan on having sam move in so they will over the years get used to each other.
Have you told these guys your plan? Are they on board?

Arlo says he doesn't want anyone else I date in our home, ever. Since he's the primary breadwinner, I'm not sure I have much negotiation space on that one. On the one hand, I never have people over anyway (small place and I hate housework) but I'd hate the idea that I'd have to sneak someone in if I just wanted to them to see where I live. I mean, you learn a lot about someone by being in their home.
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