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Old 03-20-2014, 07:09 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Default advice on talking to the kids

I know its been raised many times, but i'd still like to start a convo on talking to the kids. We have three, 8. 5.5 and 3. They know and love Nudge, and Nudge and J are good friends.

The other day Nudge and I drove the kids to school, my eight year old son says "Mom, do you love Nudge more than daddy?" I replied "of course not, I love daddy very much" he replies "but you just called Nudge 'babe'" I said "uh...I call them both babe." he replied "I don't get it"

So its time for a talk. ive tried to already start impressing on them that we have very close friends, we casually saying one of us is on a 'date' so it becomes a normal occurrence, but obviously society has taught him I should love ONLY his father. How much do you tell and eight year old? That its ok to love multiple people? I don't want to go the route of their being different kinds of love, because I share the same "type" of love for Nudge and J. they are pretty much co-primaries.

Advice? Suggestions?
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Old 03-21-2014, 02:58 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Honesty.

Four years ago, we told our kids who are now 22, 17, 16, 14, 6 ; that family is defined by who you share love with and that just like we can love ALL of them and they can love all of us, we can love more than one other adult.
The youngests attitude was "whatever I want candy". The next one up replied with something to the affect of "isn't that what Jesus taught us to do? Love everyone?"
the older ones were like "uh huh-ok gross but whatever".

Over the years a few questions have cropped up, but overall-they just really didn't care.
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Old 03-21-2014, 03:27 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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That is not what the kid in asking to me. He accepts you love them both. He just wants to know if you love daddy "more."

Kids are very literal when that small, IME.

Depending on how deep you want to go at this time, you could take that several places when the teachable moment appears.

Honest , situation appropriate and age appropriate is best. But in the school car line? I would have said "I love them both. We can talk longer later though if you still have questions because this is the car line and you need to get to school. Have a nice day hon!"


Then ask him if he still wants to talk after school or if he is good enough for now. Tell him you are glad he comes to you with his questions either way.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-21-2014 at 03:52 AM.
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Old 03-21-2014, 04:40 AM
Maleficent Maleficent is offline
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All our kids know. Ages 16,16,14,12,11,9,8. We made sure that all the adults were together when talked to the kids so they could see that we were all ok. The teenagers especially were concerned that everyone was allright. The younger kids pretty much wanted to know that they were still loved.

We told them that I love hank, he loves me. I also love darla, she loves me, hank loves her, she loves him, and we all love them. Then answered questions as honestly as it was appropriate to do so.

One word of caution. Once young children know things they are compelled to share. And oh boy do they LOVE to share. We are now out to darlas ex husband, their school, church friends, the barber, grocery clerks, the neighbors, and any random strangers we should cross paths with. So discuss how you plan to handle that.
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Old 03-21-2014, 05:32 AM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Maleficent View Post
One word of caution. Once young children know things they are compelled to share. And oh boy do they LOVE to share. We are now out to darlas ex husband, their school, church friends, the barber, grocery clerks, the neighbors, and any random strangers we should cross paths with. So discuss how you plan to handle that.
Now I miss the "like" button... Kids, oh kids... I am childfree myself, but I like the company of children, and I know MANY things about various families around me. Young kids definitely do share!
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Old 03-23-2014, 11:42 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is online now
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Having an 8 year old boy myself this is how it got brought up for us. When he saw his dad give wild orchid a kiss good bye, he told bassman "i'm telling mom". So I wasn't there for the conversation. Bassman just told him I have a boyfriend too (which I don't at this time nor have I since our journey began last July). I had to explain I did not have a boyfriend right now but it's ok if dad has a girlfriend, he doesn't love me any less, actually it feels like he loves me more.

For my son, he is just concerned with it being "fair" as long as I know what dad is doing. I think that is what your son is concerned with...it being equal instead of it being more or less. He hasn't asked about it since and that was a month ago.

If he's sees your behavior between his dad and nudge not being equal, could be what is triggering his question.
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Old 03-25-2014, 10:31 PM
jeffanddannie jeffanddannie is offline
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Im glad I found this topic. I have two kids 15 and 9 who dont know, and we do alot of sneaking around I guess to avoid it. the main fear is not that they would have an issue with it, its that they would spread it to everyone, and we aren't ready to be out to everyone. some people we know wouldn't understand.
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Old 03-25-2014, 10:35 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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If people do not love you for who you are then why do you care what they think?
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Old 03-25-2014, 10:41 PM
jeffanddannie jeffanddannie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
If people do not love you for who you are then why do you care what they think?
in my case, my family is very religious and I do care what my mom thinks, she loves my wife and comes over for holidays and we are all very happy. but when my brother was dateing a girl while he was married ( though he was cheating) she found out and tore into him and they didnt talk for years. they are fine now, but I dont want that drama so for me it seems easier to not let her know. so then it comes back to telling the kids.... if I tell them, she will find out. she may find out later down the line anyways im aware. its a rock and a hard place for me lol
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Old 04-04-2014, 07:57 PM
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alibabe_muse alibabe_muse is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jeffanddannie View Post
in my case, my family is very religious and I do care what my mom thinks, she loves my wife and comes over for holidays and we are all very happy. but when my brother was dateing a girl while he was married ( though he was cheating) she found out and tore into him and they didnt talk for years. they are fine now, but I dont want that drama so for me it seems easier to not let her know. so then it comes back to telling the kids.... if I tell them, she will find out. she may find out later down the line anyways im aware. its a rock and a hard place for me lol
My kids, ages 3 (doesn't understand), 8 & 16 know. Never once did we tell them to not tell anyone. When we visit the in-laws, my son has not once ran to my mother-in-law to tell her "my dad has a girlfriend". Why not? We never said "don't tell" and so after the talk(s) my 8 year old never thought about it. The teen...she knows her grandma well enough so if she needs to discuss her views, she brings them to me.
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