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  #1  
Old 03-13-2014, 02:51 AM
elemental elemental is offline
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Default Truth & Consequences

Hi there. I am Elemental. 44yr old male, straight, recently separated, getting divorced in June. I live in a small cottage community next to a beautiful lake, just outside of a smallish city in the Pacific Northwest. Iíve been in traditional & non-traditional relationships for the past 25 years. I am starting this blog as a cathartic exercise, because I feel it is time to write, to tell my story. To represent my truth as I see it, the good the bad and the ugly. I will be looking at myself, my life, the lives and relationships of my past, present and hopes for the future. I am trying to make sense of the breakdown of my second marriage, and the emotional fallout from that. Iím not here to be dogmatic, or play the blame game. I want to be as objective as I can, because that seems to be the only way to learn from ones mistakes. I feel that truth is subjective; we all have our version of it. Events are experienced and recollected differently depending on perspective and personal investment. One personís mild annoyance is anotherís catastrophic event. My event that I will be focusing on is the breakdown of my marriage, and the roll poly had in that, the issues having multiple partners brought up in me and my primary partner. I am not looking for feedback, or suggestions, support or help, but feel free to post if what I have to say moves you too. I am open to dialogue and clarification. Iíll also be talking about my current life, dating, and being a non-monogamous man and the people with whom I choose to share my life with. Enjoy the ride with meÖ
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Old 03-13-2014, 03:17 AM
elemental elemental is offline
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Default Cinder

The main player in this Blog, at least in the early stages, is my soon to be ex-wife, Cinder. Iíll call her Cinder because she is small, and bright. She is hot and can start fires, she certainly did in me, one that has left a large hole burned out of my soul. In a lot of ways she has been the love of my life, and the woman I had worked hardest for, to be with and make a beautiful life together. She has been the one who has lifted me up, and brought me crashing down. She has become my nemesis, and at one time was my best friend, and I miss her so much some times. To see what we have become to each other boggles my mind and at times I can barely make sense of it. I struggle daily with what has become of us, and seek the peace of putting fingers to keys and letting the pain and the joy of having this woman in my heart, in my life.

We met on Craigslist, casual encounters. We were both looking for a lover, both stuck in sexually unsatisfying relationships. I was married, she was living common law with her fiancť. She had negotiated an open relationship, and I had opened mine faced with a sexless marriage and was confronted with a ďdonít ask, donít tellĒ situation. Note to poly newbies! Not a great solution We corresponded and hit it off, working our way up to meeting, and graduating to weekend hotel sex romps. To say that we had insane chemistry is an understatement. We destroyed many a hotel bed. We were two starving sexual beings that found ourselves in each other, and love and attachment soon followed. Around this time my wife snooped my email and read a particularly explicit email from Cinder. Shit got real quick. My marriage was ending, and was going to anyway but my relationship with Cinder was the catalyst for it to happen, then and now. Cinder took a break from me as she dealt with fallout from her side of things, and I worked with my wife to formulate an amicable split, which we did. After that C and I took up again, losing none of our potent intimacy, and soon we were in flaming love again, full bloom.

We moved in together, I moving to be with her in her home, near her family and business. I was eager for relationship, for stability, to put down some roots and to build a life together, it was what we both wanted. That was 7 years ago. I was welcomed into her family, at first with a wary eye because of the dramatic circumstances but soon most of her family warmed up to me. I felt accepted for one of the first times in my life, like I belonged. It was so good.
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Old 03-13-2014, 03:50 AM
elemental elemental is offline
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Default Early times

Or was it? When I look back there were flags from the start. Cider and I are both kind of alpha, and we butted heads some. We both have strong personalities which lead us to conflict, a lot. I also had anger management issues which would lead me to be in a heightened state of anxiety, and when I lost my mix I would be prone to angry outbursts, mostly verbal. When things did get a little physical between us it was a mutual escalation. I know it had not been easy on my partners to deal with my fiery temperament, and it has been something that has been a lifelong work in progress. But it sure didnít play well with Cinders personality challenges, mainly her propensity to be intensely emotional, to the point of catatonic hysteria, crying for hours at a time, over things I couldnít or wasnít able to help her out of. I tried everything in the early stages, and we worked together to find ways to give each other what we needed, but it didnít always work, and it wasnít always easy, far from it. Now I know relations arenít supposed to be easy, but we put in a ton of work. Counselling, anger management, group sessions, couples, talking and processing, all night sometimes. I remember missing work because she had kept me up in a hysterical state that would just get worse and worse, and didnít have the skills or personality to be able to get her out of it sometimes, most times? And she would just escalate. It was difficult.

Cinder was a pretty controlling and manipulative person to me, more so in the later stages of our relationship after poly was introduced, but in the early going as well. I felt like she at times used her emotional upset to attempt to control me, my behaviour, to get what she wanted. Itís just my perception. Sheíd say to me ďif I only said yes all the time, everything would be so easyĒ things like that. I ended up capitulating a lot, because it was easier, and I loved her dearly and wanted her to be happy. My love language was acts of service and I was constantly doing things for her home, her business, her family. I loved it, I had never had a home or a family like this, so warm and expressive with love and support. I did things without thought as to how it could play out later on. And there was always more, more, more. C is a classic over achiever to me, very high functioning type A personality, charismatic, beautiful, smart, sexy. I would have done anything I could for her, for us, for our happiness.

Well almost anything. I had my own baggage from my previous relationship, and when I felt I was being controlled or manipulated I would resist. Maybe it was residual from being an Anarchist hooligan in my 20ís. I certainly didnít have a lot of societal skills when we met. Lol I barely had a bank account, and C was a master of bureaucracy. She represented so much of what I longed for in life. So even in the tough times we made things work, not always smoothly, but to the point three years in we decided to marry. She had let me know pretty early on that marriage was what she wanted. She wanted a life partner with whom to grow old with, and that was me. She felt cheated as to meeting me later in her life, that I was her soul mate. She projected so much love into me that I felt it was too good to be true. That turns out to be a sad truth in the present. But I loved her back in the best way I could, in all my fierceness and ability and tried to match her effort for effort to create a life together.
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Old 03-13-2014, 05:04 AM
elemental elemental is offline
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Default threesomes

So we got married. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I felt like we could really put aside our differences and be each otherís people, accept each other and support each other through anything. It was a great time and we were in love and now committed to each other legally. It was a very big deal. We continued on our course together, working on ourselves and our relationship, with varying degrees of success. There was always work to do, house, business, relationship. Our dynamic continued to be at times fiery, and we at times questioned whether we were right for each other. I had some resentment building from the feelings of being emotionally manipulated into things that were never quite dealt with. The main focus seemed to be me and my issues, and how I could change or be changed to fit better into the relationship structure. I tried so very hard to be someone that, ultimately I am not. It created a lot of turmoil inside myself, and some of which I could express, and some of which I couldnít. Within the first year of being married Cinder floated the idea of having a threesome. Our sex life had lost some of its zing, and we werenít having as much as she wanted. I know in hindsight it was the beginning of my discontent with some of the emotional pressure I felt under a lot of the time. And C had bi tendencies, so she began to talk to girlfriends about it to get an opinion about how to proceed. Lo and behold there where a few volunteers. We decided to pursue it with one in particular, who had threesome experience. It was quite the fun time, we even almost light the bed on fire literally Candles not too close to the bed kidsÖ It was, well, pretty amazing. We all took to it pretty naturally. Cinder really embraced her Bisexuality, and I generally gave the girls the lead and was present when needed. Iím pretty laid back in that way, not the in your face ďget out of the way we are having a threesomeĒ kind of guy. I respected cinders desires to explore her sexual identity. Her and ďCurlzĒ hit it off as girlfriends and hung out a little bit, in fact Curlz was a part time employee at her business, which could have been a little awkward. Then, very quickly, I saw Cinder fall in love with Curlz. And invite her to move in. We had off and on had roommates in this big house we had bought, and it just so happened we were in between roomies. So after a month of weekend threesomes, in moved Curlz. I was kinda stunned by how fast things moved, but just went with it. I liked Curlz, and we had some pretty hot sex, but was unattached, she was quite younger that I was, and didnít have a lot in common. It was what her and Cinder wanted so I went with it. The dynamic changed pretty quickly, and not for the better. Cinder, I think, has her way in which she wanted things to be, just so. And when Curlz ended up being a little messy, or unmotivated, or awkward around handling Cinders particular emotional wants and needs, first the sex ended, and then the friendship. Curlz moved out after 3 months? And we rarely spoke again. It was a pattern that played itself out to varying degrees over the next half dozen lovers as we expanded our sexual forays into including other women, most of which turned into ongoing flings.

The pattern was pretty clear. Cinder would find us lovers, do most of the leg work, communication, email, texting, relationship building. I got kind of jealous, and was feeling like a stunt cock. I didnít like the being left out of all the fun part about getting to know someone, I wanted more communication, interaction. Cinder was good about sharing everything with me, but still it all flowed through her hands and I felt, well, powerless. I wanted self-determination. I wanted to have the interpersonal relationship to go with the sex.

That was a struggle, and we processed a lot around it. Up to this point it had been ok but my anxiety and resentment had been building, and then we met Raven. And everything would soon change.
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Old 03-14-2014, 06:23 AM
elemental elemental is offline
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Default Raven

Raven had answered Cinders ad on CL looking for a third. She was a student at a major university in a nearby big city. She said that our ad was the best on in WM4W. That was due to Cinderís talent at writing, she has a flowy prose and a way with words, very sensuous. So we made a date for dinner on one of our forays into the city. Raven was again considerably younger than me, and like Cinder an INTJ. Pretty, in an understated way, a little awkward. We had a lovely meal, and got to know each other a little bit, and at the end of the meal said our good byes. On the drive home C and I talked about Raven, and the path that had lead us to here. We were on the same team, and both loving life, the sex, our marriage, our adventures. We felt on top of our world. Soon after the girls decided that we would see Raven again, and we started on the path of a sexual relationship together.

Although this time, it was a little different. Sure, Raven and Cinder had sex, but Raven was also very interested in having sex with me, as much. Most of the girls we had been fucking where in it for their first Bi experience. Raven liked having a lot of kinky sex, being dominated, and roughed up. Cinder and I had experimented a little with this, but I had trouble fully dominating her in our sex play. For me she was such a dominant personality outside of our sex life, that I had already kind of become submissive to her, and it didnít sit well inside of me. So I struggled with that. I can remember the three of us fucking away, and Cinder being tired from a long week, and being done, while Raven and I just wanted to keep going. We would all stop, and at that time we all slept together in the same bed. I can remember lying there, heart pounding with desire for someone who was within reach, but that I was not or should not be allowed to touch sexually. It kind of fucked with my head.

At this time there was still a lot of rules around my interaction with the women we were having sex with. Cinder was at times very insecure and I felt needed to control access and communication to ease her anxiety of losing me to another woman? I guess that was it. I started to make noise about having more freedom to communicate, and it was a hard slog to get some freedoms in that regard. Eventually I had ravens phone #, with the understanding I would check with Cinder before I had any communication. It was difficult for me. I am much more of a free spirit, and donít actualise the best version of myself when I feel controlled. I struggled. One day I texted R. ďhave a great day, thinking of youĒ, which was out of our usual context. She checked in with Cider to see if indeed she and I could communicate like this in a daily mundane way. Had the rules changed? Apparently not. This caused a huge shit show of emotions, insecurity, accusations. I had transgressed an agreed upon boundary and we had to process and negotiate. I remember the intensity, the sheer anger and intensity which Cinder brought to bear over this act. I had gone against our agreed upon code of conduct, which created a new round of processing and emotional heavy lifting.

At this time I wish to interject that yes, I am a boundary pusher. When I feel something is unfair, and I donít feel that my rights are as equal to anyone elseís, even if I agree to a certain something albeit under a certain emotional duress, I will act upon what I feel is right. It is an undeniable truth in the fabric of my character, for better or worse. Again it was that bitter bile of resentment at being treated as a second class participant in the adventure. I resented that I had to have rules governing my conduct, while in my eyes Cinder got to enjoy all the communication and flirting that she wanted to. I felt marginalised to the doting hubby, who isnít he luck he gets to fuck two women at the same time. I remember C. explaining to me how lucky I was, and did I know any other women who let their husbands have threesome? But to me that wasnít the point. I wanted to be an equal partner in this. In all things. It was difficult, but we eventually got there. Our triad was up and running.
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Old 03-15-2014, 05:15 AM
elemental elemental is offline
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Default Triad

So we began seeing each other as a triad, not just a sex threesome. Raven spent more time with us, staying over weekends and the three of us did lots of fun activities, and we started to be Ďoutí in public. There were still lots of agreed upon rules, and certainly no independent sex or dates yet, although that was discussed as an eventual probability. Things where paced just so, usually to the comfort of Cinder, who was facing a lot of anxiety around seeing me become emotionally connected to another woman initially, even if she enjoyed watching me having sex with them. To me it was a strange dichotomy, but I loved her and was committed to out life together, so did what I could to rationalise and accept the limitations and rules that where placed upon our situation. Maybe a little too much for my own good.

Over about 4 months our triad connection deepened. Raven spent more and more time at our place, and we had frequent hotel trysts. The sex was great and we all connected in that way. Cinder was smitten with Raven and did her thing with falling deeply in love, and was opening all kinds of doors in regards to the future and a life together. I also was developing an attachment and was kind of swept up in the potential of it, but also am a realist and was more cautious about ďmaking plansĒ. Cinder wanted to actualize all kinds of plans to include Raven in our life. For her part Raven found it a little hysterical. Although she was open to the ideas, she found the pace and reality of these possibilities remote. She is much more reserved emotionally, and frankly I found that refreshing. Raven and I really hit it off, we connected in a number of ways, and I was drawn to her quiet quirky demeanour. We started to have more chemistry. When Cinders enthusiasm wasnít reflected by Raven, cracks started to show. It appeared Raven didnít have the same connection / chemistry with Cinder. I know this bothered Cinder, and she struggled with my connection to Raven. It came to a head one day, Raven had been staying with us for a couple of days, and I was off of work, doing odd jobs around the house and doing a local side job. We still hadnít had independent sex yet, but where moving in that direction, with the pre-requisite processing and emotional turmoil. That was one of the things that irked Raven, Ciders need to constantly label and process everything, a basic personality difference.

Cinder got up to go to work, leaving R. and I still in bed together snuggling. I remember she blew us a kiss as she left, admonishing us to not stay in bed too long. We fooled around a bit, but where good about no sex play. We both respected Cinders need for control and pacing at that point and where ok with it. I went about my day, doing little jobs that I loved to do to make our home a home, and worked on the neighbors. I came in for lunch to find Raven still lounging in bed like a lazy ass. I decided to rough her up a bit, get her out of bed, so I stripped down and jumped in and we fooled around a bit, but again no sexual play. It was at this point when Cinder came home unexpectedly for lunch and found us (still) in bed, and me with a hard on. The shit hit the fan and Cinder lost her mind. It was BAD. She acted like we had been cheating on her. All this stuff came flooding out of her, panic, insecurity, fear, everything. It was a monumental upset. She left the house crying in hysterics, convinced I was going to leave her for Raven. The insanity of it still shocks me, and writing about it makes my stomach turn.

I felt terrible. Raven felt terrible. I tried to tell Cinder what was what, but she was having none of it. When she would get upset, this upset, it seemed the world turned on its axis. Right was wrong, black was white. I found myself completely unprepared to deal with this emotional nuclear bomb that went off. I tried to talk her down, but it seemed the damage was done. Something changed in Cinder that day. I felt it die. Maybe it was the death of innocence. Maybe it was the fantasy she had been constructing around all of us suddenly evaporated. There was much crying and nashing of teeth. I felt so bad, like I had betrayed her. Had I? We were doing exactly what we were doing when she left, just hours before. I think we surprised her, and she didnít like it, not one bit. Maybe thatís why she needed to control so much all the time, to stave off that feeling of helplessness. Eventually Cinder regained her composure, and the three of us eventually went on a pre-planned trip together, but things were different. Cinder felt betrayed by us, and Raven didnít or couldnít deal with C.ís emotional needs for constant processing / emotional sharing. There was resentment going both ways between the two of them and I felt caught in the middle. It was pretty obvious to me that we were going to be breaking up, it was only a matter of time. Cinder and Raven started to clash in a very fundamental way, they just had such different ways of dealing with emotion.

When I look back and ask myself what I could have done differently, a couple of things come up. I see Cinders sense of betrayal coming from a desire to always be my first concern, and for us to always be on the same team as it were. To always think of her and her needs and comfort first, before all others, including myself at times. She wanted to know that my interest was always in her first and foremost. And I failed at that, because thatís not who I am. Cinder needed hierarchy in our poly, and I couldnít always give it to her, and I felt like a failure. But in a lot of ways that is not how my heart works. I would have never left Cinder for Raven, I was committed to Cinder, but not in the way she needed me to be. And I felt like a complete failure because of it. But I was not accepting the fact that Cinder and I had a fundamental difference in the way we viewed poly. I was open, to people, and wanted to at least treat people, especially those women we were sleeping with respect and dignity, fairness. At least an equality in the ways we interacted and as far as emotional concerns. Cinder needed hierarchy, that I would drop whatever pretty thing she put in front of me without hesitation. My need to treat these women with a certain equal footing hurt Cinder, I guess she saw it that I didnít love her as much. We just came at it from a very different place. When the breakup came, we met one last time and Raven shared some of her struggles with Cinder, her overbearing ďloveĒ and need for control. |she named some of her emotional manipulation as such, but these concerns where easily discounted by Cinder as Raven being young and inexperienced. Like who was she to tell her anything about life? Cinder does operate with a pretty massive superiority complex. It was a difficult time. Ravens letter to me thanked me for our time together, and said I was a pretty decent dude. We had not had any conflict so it was obvious that her lack of feelings for Cinder and Cinder feeling threatened by our connection were the reasons for the break up. There were some tears and angry words between the two of them, but ultimately we all said goodbye. I never thought I would see Raven again. Turns out I was wrong.
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communication skills, control issues, controlling partner, deception, dictatorship, divorce, elemental, fmf vee, hysterical partner, lies, life story, male, manipulation, married and dating, married and polyamorous, open marriage, partner sharing, poly ideals, poly vs. open, rules vs boundaries, rules-based relationships, secrets, spouse, triad fallout, unfair rules

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