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  #1  
Old 03-08-2014, 10:41 AM
Hoyam Hoyam is offline
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Default Husband want me to chose between him and my bf

Well, trying polyamory since 8-10 months, we have been going downwards till the point where my husband (mono) says he want me to chose between him and me boyfriend. I think what was most diffecult was the holliday i had with the bf a month ago. After that i felt like it was only negative, couldn't find positive point with my husband.
In my opinion we have both made mistakes, for people new in poly. I see chances to improve, but he has said to me that he gives me as much time as i need to decide, but that he has closed the door of poly. The last week was terrible for all 3. I realy feel i cannot chose between different kind of love. I feel like i will lose either way. Or my husband, father of our 3 children, my basic, my life (family friends, dreams of the future). Or my boyfriend, who makes me feel alive, who is the kind of love that works addictive, who gives me a passionate kind of love... I am torn! Not only losing one of them but also losing one part of myself.
I realy don't know what to do. I asked my husband to consider new options and while he does that i will prove i can balance more. Since monday (when he told me), i practise that. Also i am so happy that he is willing to go to couples counseling. I found a man who is skilled, who is known with poly and he is able to start next friday!
This gives me hope for finding good results, whatever the good answer will be. I have no idea.
If anyone has good advice, please, cause i don't know what to do!
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  #2  
Old 03-08-2014, 03:07 PM
friskyone4u friskyone4u is offline
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Hoyam

I guess it is good you found a therapist that you are comfortable with but I have read your previous posts and it appears you came to poly by accident and it was not something that your husband was totally on board with from the beginning. More like he went along to make you happy. I am not sure if your therapy is going to fix that.
The simple fact is that most people, male and female, are not going to be able to adjust to their partner developing not only outside sexual partners but also deep emotional bonds with others unless the idea is totally mutual.Your husband has had eight months to deal with this and it appears he is not one of these people, and I do not think the therapy is going to change that. It seems you are pulling out all stops to try to convince him how great poly is because you are so happy with your new boyfriend.
He may be able to handle the outside sex part, but my guess is what is bothering him the most is sharing you completely for weekends, holidays, etc.
I am sure i may get slammed on this board for questioning that everyone can be comfortable with "compersion", but so be it. Between three kids and all of life's pressures he may want a full time wife. I went through this when my wife decided she wanted outside sexual interactions. I had no problem handing the sex part, and when we started in the "swinging" lifestyle there were no problems at all. She got to act on all her sexual fantasies as long as we stuck with out pre-negotiated boundaries and rules. Then she decide she needed the excitement of the "chase" and behaving as a single person and I found myself with a part time wife. I finally had to put my foot down and tell her it was back to swinging or monogamy or divorce.
I think you would be crazy to dissolve your marraige over this boyfriend, especially if your husband would agree to let you see others if you want to without all the committment to them, but only you can make the decision. It seems he has already made his.
Good luck in therapy.
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Old 03-08-2014, 03:42 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Just because your partner says you "have to choose" doesn't mean you have to. You tell them right back, "I won't choose." His issues are his own and he has to deal with them from the inside. Glad you found a poly-friendly therapist.
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Old 03-08-2014, 04:57 PM
friskyone4u friskyone4u is offline
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Hoyam

Just as I expected you got some advice telling you to tell your husband it is my way or the highway and it is your problem buddy. Before you do that I'd make sure you will wind up with your boyfriend or you may find yourself alone and without your kids around.
Good luck
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Old 03-08-2014, 05:28 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Jeez, friskyone4u. Couple-centric much?

Not kowtowing a partner's ultimatum and helping them work through their issues and fears in therapy and in partnership with each other is not the same as saying "my way or the highway." Duh.

When you open up a marriage, you have to remember there are other people's hearts and feelings involved. You can't unring a bell.
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Old 03-08-2014, 07:49 PM
Eclipse Eclipse is offline
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I agree totally with frisky.

Most right thinking couples (or triads or quads, or whatever) set certain hardlines when it comes to outside relationships. I definitely wouldn't suggest the childish "This is your problem not mine, NYAH!" approach. It's still possible to keep both relationship from this, but it will take a lighter hand. Outright refusal of your husband's demands will make him resist more or straight-out divorce you.

Sometimes the exertion of control helps a partner feel like they HAVE control. If your husband feels comfortable that he is your primary, you might notice this problem fix itself. Counseling might help a lot with that, it might not. Being resistant and forcing your husband on his ultimatum, that's definitely not going to help unless you want him to walk away.
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Old 03-10-2014, 03:05 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Just because your partner says you "have to choose" doesn't mean you have to. You tell them right back, "I won't choose." His issues are his own and he has to deal with them from the inside. Glad you found a poly-friendly therapist.
agree with NYC. When I presented poly to my spouse, I told him I wouldn't not choose between him, and my boyfriend (became my boyfriend). If my husband decided to go mono, or my boyfriend for that matter, they know I AM poly. That is THEIR choice, it would be awful if my spouse left (we also have three kids and I love him dearly). But I can not force something I am not just to make him stay.

also "choosing" will only leave you heartbroken. you give up BF, husband is going to get someone sad and broken hearted
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Old 03-10-2014, 04:02 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Your husband told you what he can no longer do or be part of; a poly marriage. He has not issued an ultimatum like leave him, or I will divorce you, right? He has simply reached his limit and knows that it is not for him. Let him make the best decision for himself. If he leaves, that is his right. He wants something you cannot give him. If he stays, he might start resenting you if things do not change.

If it is a matter of your conduct, that is still questionable. Would you be changing said conduct because you sincerely want to or because you think it will temporarily dissuade his dislike of things and enable you to keep both of them around? If he feels like you only feel obligated to be present, that will not help anything.

Tough spot, but at the end of the day, he should do what he feels is best and necessary for him to be happy. It may be the unpopular opinion because it takes the "choice" away from you, but life is too short to be miserable. I hope it works out for you all.

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 03-10-2014 at 07:18 PM.
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Old 03-10-2014, 04:18 PM
london london is offline
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Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
agree with NYC. When I presented poly to my spouse, I told him I wouldn't not choose between him, and my boyfriend (became my boyfriend). If my husband decided to go mono, or my boyfriend for that matter, they know I AM poly. That is THEIR choice, it would be awful if my spouse left (we also have three kids and I love him dearly). But I can not force something I am not just to make him stay.

also "choosing" will only leave you heartbroken. you give up BF, husband is going to get someone sad and broken hearted
You'd both be making a choice. You'd be choosing your other partner and/or having polyamorous relationships, with or without your husband, and he would be choosing monogamy. Refusal to make the choice out loud and continuing all relationships is choosing polyamory. I'm not saying polyamory is a bad choice, obviously, but let's be honest about the fact the poly person chooses too. They choose not to practice or revert back to monogamy.
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Old 03-10-2014, 04:32 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
You'd both be making a choice. You'd be choosing your other partner and/or having polyamorous relationships, with or without your husband, and he would be choosing monogamy. Refusal to make the choice out loud and continuing all relationships is choosing polyamory. I'm not saying polyamory is a bad choice, obviously, but let's be honest about the fact the poly person chooses too. They choose not to practice or revert back to monogamy.
agreed, I chose poly. J. threatened to divorce me, I told him that was his choice but I wanted him to stay. He stayed, I was lucky. I love them both dearly and could never "choose" one man over the other. poly over mono yes, it feels like a different question to me
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