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Old 02-27-2014, 09:20 PM
jbonjovi jbonjovi is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 4
Default How do you ask people out when your married and new to poly?

Hi, I'm married with three kids. My wife and I have just started being poly. She's doing great at it. Going on dates, and has a boyfriend. I on the other hand am really struggling with my crushes. I'm nervous to ask new people to hang out and simultaneously explain my whole situation. I worry about being rejected and also don't know the easiest way to soften the conversation other than, "hey we don't know each other very well, want to get to know each other, oh and I'm poly and married, but no pressure if you don't want to hang out!" It feels really stressful and that it can make new relationships awkward if they don't want to go on a date. does this make sense?
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Old 02-27-2014, 10:29 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,154

To be blunt, poly is inherently awkward. It's just full of weird and odd conversations you never thought you would have. (For instance, I just told Whip (my partner) that I was excited about an upcoming date. The date is not with him. Not a conversation monogamous folks have.) Dating is basically awkward and odd in general. But with poly, there is the addional layer that there are few conventions and traditions to rely upon. One has to make it as one goes along. While exciting and interesting, it can also be uncomfortable. So, welcome to the land of awkward conversations and no road maps! (Really, it's fun!)

Also, you will be rejected. The only way not to be rejected is to not look for other partners. (And you will do some rejecting too.) Anyone who makes an effort to date gets rejected. Accept that now. Learn to be rejected gracefully. Learn to decline others gently and clearly. If you don't want to be rejected - and you prefer not to face this aspect of yourself - I gently suggest don't try poly. (It is possible to be the monogamous partner of a poly person.)

You will not be everyone's cup of tea. Many women (assuming you are a straight man) are just not going to be into a married man. Your experience of your wife finding it easier to date and find partners is pretty common.

I suggest being upfront about your situation. Something along the lines of 'My wife and I are polyamorous. [Insert brief definition here] She is dating and has a boyfriend. I date too. I think you are really interesting and would lke to ask you out on a date.' It is definitely a weird conversation to have. But I personally like to have things clear.

There is a LOT here about dating, about how to have those odd conversations. Try searching for 'dating' and similar words in a tag search. I also suggest just wandering about on the board, read what interests you. Good luck!
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Old 02-28-2014, 12:34 AM
Snic85 Snic85 is offline
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 20

When we started 4 months ago, I didn't know anyone that I was interested in so I went online and found my boyfriend. My husband has told two girls he's into. The first one rejected him even though she has admitted she's attracted to him, it was against her morals. The second wants him, but is currently in a mognomous relationship. So, he is still single 4 months into it. I've tried to get him to online but he's just not comfortable with it.
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Old 02-28-2014, 01:37 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by jbonjovi View Post
I worry about being rejected and also don't know the easiest way to soften the conversation other than, "hey we don't know each other very well, want to get to know each other, oh and I'm poly and married, but no pressure if you don't want to hang out!"
Well, that's no way to ask anyone out, mono or poly! LOL!

Whatever happened to, "Would you like to have coffee with me sometime?"
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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Old 02-28-2014, 01:41 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 519

How open are you? Can you let people know you are poly? No worries if you can't; most people only tell a few close friends and family, if that. Just develop friendships, flirt with the ones you like, and if they flirt back, let them know the situation. That's how my boyfriend got me
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Old 02-28-2014, 05:32 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,448

You can also take a few "practice shots." It sounds crass, but find some women whom you find interesting but aren't outright crushing on. Strangers are good for this. And just practice asking them out on dates.

You can also practice roleplaying with a close friend or your wife. The more times you say the words out loud, the less awkward it becomes.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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