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  #1  
Old 02-25-2014, 04:02 PM
FarAwayLover FarAwayLover is offline
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Question Do you fight?

So does the great communication of a good poly (or mono, for that matter) relationship mean you don't have fights?

B and I had a knock down, drag out fight yesterday that made me think about all the comments I've read about how a relationship should be solid before you open it up.

Of course (yeah, sure...), this morning he says I was right, but I'm still getting over it.

And to clarify, he had his first colonoscopy yesterday, so maybe it was all about the drugs. But we do have other disagreements that are not calm, rational discussions, and I was wondering how disagreements work for other folks.

Thanks!

FAL

--------------------------------

M - Me female, 59 - _trying_ to figure out if I'm poly
B - 56 - my husband for over 34 years
JP - 58 - my high school boyfriend, newly appeared in the picture after 38 years; very long distance; haven't actually seen him
A - 65? - JP's wife of over 30 years, who's not cool with things
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Old 02-25-2014, 04:58 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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I think that really depends on the people involved and their "fighting style".

Throughout our 20+ years together, MrS and I have a BIG fight about once every 18 months - they are rare enough that they get names (usually based on something that happened during the fight - "The Jelly Donut Incident of 1997" "The Broken Chandelier Battle of 2008" etc.) - most of these end in laughter and reconciliation and we can't remember what started it. We have had about 3 "serious" fights in all that time - where wounds were uncovered that really needed to be addressed, so we addressed them.

Dude and I bicker and spat all the time (which makes MrS uncomfortable - that is not his style at all). We are both stubborn, bullheaded, intellectual-debate sorts - and these "discussions" can get rather heated. It's only when it devolves into condescending tones and sarcasm that MrS starts squirming and asks us to knock it off. Our "real" conflicts are sorted out with more serious and measured conversation - usually with an agenda and bullet points...

Lotus and I have yet to have any conflict between the two of us (and I don't know how that would even look...we tend to have more broad reaching conversations about life and conflict in general and our relationships with each of the boys).
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (23+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (4+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


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Old 02-25-2014, 05:10 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Conflict resolution wise, I'm collaborative style and DH is accommodating style most of the time. If pushed to limits, I can go competitive Volcano Lady and he goes into Avoidant Mr Clam. But that's pretty rare.

Don't really have big shouty things or bickering lower key things. When we disagree we usually can talk it through and arrive at resolution.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-25-2014 at 05:13 PM.
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Old 02-25-2014, 06:17 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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We used to have huge holy wars.
We have since changed some of our communication techniques (more due to college classes on the topic than poly) and we haven't had a "knock down drag out fight" in a couple years.
But we still have major disagreements and they require time outs and days of discussion (followed by time outs and consideration of points made) and sometimes written parts (to avoid verbal blow outs).

GG and I have been in the midst of a major disagreement for nye on a year now. Making slow progress through it-but it's still there. We just don't throw things and yell and scream about it.
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Old 02-25-2014, 07:36 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is online now
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We have occassional fights.

Nothing knock down drag out in a long time.

I have learned to pick my battles with Murf. He will take me head on and is my match in the stubbornness department. Butch will take me on to but will take the higher road to nip a fight in the bud to stop things from escalating.
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Old 02-25-2014, 09:14 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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We fight often due to miscommunication.

My husband and his GF have never had an agruement. He tells me that he is fearful there are many unresolved issue that lie right there, but no one brings up.

I think problems need to be address. Sometimes that takes a fight.
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Old 02-26-2014, 01:05 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
I think that really depends on the people involved and their "fighting style".
So true. I've had two relationships, my most recent with IV and a girlfriend some years ago in which there were never any "fights". I was with IV for 2 years and was with AD for probably about the same. There were disagreements but it was all stuff that could be resolved more or less.

Otherwise, my relationships have been more than capable of having knock down drag out brawls. Over the years it's embarrassing how many times voices have been raised and hurt feelings were hoarded for WAY too long.

Personally this tells me that I've only had two girlfriends I was actually compatible with and the rest were just good in bed, attractive, or whatever.
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Old 02-26-2014, 01:43 AM
willowstar willowstar is offline
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My husband and I dont fight a lot. We tend to avoid conflict like the plague. He is NOT good with that kind of emotion. He wears his heart on his sleeve, but if I start to raise my voice at all, even just in a conversation, he stops me and tells me to not be angry... Does not always work or go over well...

BF and I are very different. Have only had a couple large disagreements in the last year we have been together, and one horrendous fight. (Note to self: NEVER text fight again...) He comes from a family where if you dont talk loud, they wont even know you're there. Bickering is just conversation to him. And he can match me and one up me every time. But he and I also talk a LOT. In detail. And we share how we feel about absolutely everything. Even the hard stuff. It is just a very different communication relationship.
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Bear-Maybe poly/maybe mono straight man, still feeling it out
Armadillo (formerly known as BF) - currently out of the picture. Depression is evil...
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  #9  
Old 02-26-2014, 05:16 AM
london london is offline
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Yes.
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  #10  
Old 02-26-2014, 01:14 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Disagreements are normal, and for most people so is arguing. Me? I don't fight. To me, fighting is an ineffective and often hurtful communication style. Of course this means I allow my partner(s) to calmly express all thoughts and feelings without taking offense so we can work out the issue. Fortunately, my current partner does the same for me.

I will say it's very taxing to be with someone who is always protecting his or her ego to the point that I don't feel I can trust that person with my issues without backlash. I have had such relationships before; I won't again.
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