Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 02-25-2014, 04:02 PM
FarAwayLover FarAwayLover is offline
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Boston
Posts: 45
Question Do you fight?

So does the great communication of a good poly (or mono, for that matter) relationship mean you don't have fights?

B and I had a knock down, drag out fight yesterday that made me think about all the comments I've read about how a relationship should be solid before you open it up.

Of course (yeah, sure...), this morning he says I was right, but I'm still getting over it.

And to clarify, he had his first colonoscopy yesterday, so maybe it was all about the drugs. But we do have other disagreements that are not calm, rational discussions, and I was wondering how disagreements work for other folks.




M - Me female, 59 - _trying_ to figure out if I'm poly
B - 56 - my husband for over 34 years
JP - 58 - my high school boyfriend, newly appeared in the picture after 38 years; very long distance; haven't actually seen him
A - 65? - JP's wife of over 30 years, who's not cool with things
Reply With Quote
Old 02-25-2014, 04:58 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,807

I think that really depends on the people involved and their "fighting style".

Throughout our 20+ years together, MrS and I have a BIG fight about once every 18 months - they are rare enough that they get names (usually based on something that happened during the fight - "The Jelly Donut Incident of 1997" "The Broken Chandelier Battle of 2008" etc.) - most of these end in laughter and reconciliation and we can't remember what started it. We have had about 3 "serious" fights in all that time - where wounds were uncovered that really needed to be addressed, so we addressed them.

Dude and I bicker and spat all the time (which makes MrS uncomfortable - that is not his style at all). We are both stubborn, bullheaded, intellectual-debate sorts - and these "discussions" can get rather heated. It's only when it devolves into condescending tones and sarcasm that MrS starts squirming and asks us to knock it off. Our "real" conflicts are sorted out with more serious and measured conversation - usually with an agenda and bullet points...

Lotus and I have yet to have any conflict between the two of us (and I don't know how that would even look...we tend to have more broad reaching conversations about life and conflict in general and our relationships with each of the boys).
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (6+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, FWBs to SLeW
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Reply With Quote
Old 02-25-2014, 05:10 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,722

Conflict resolution wise, I'm collaborative style and DH is accommodating style most of the time. If pushed to limits, I can go competitive Volcano Lady and he goes into Avoidant Mr Clam. But that's pretty rare.

Don't really have big shouty things or bickering lower key things. When we disagree we usually can talk it through and arrive at resolution.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-25-2014 at 05:13 PM.
Reply With Quote
Old 02-25-2014, 06:17 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

We used to have huge holy wars.
We have since changed some of our communication techniques (more due to college classes on the topic than poly) and we haven't had a "knock down drag out fight" in a couple years.
But we still have major disagreements and they require time outs and days of discussion (followed by time outs and consideration of points made) and sometimes written parts (to avoid verbal blow outs).

GG and I have been in the midst of a major disagreement for nye on a year now. Making slow progress through it-but it's still there. We just don't throw things and yell and scream about it.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Old 02-25-2014, 07:36 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,692

We have occassional fights.

Nothing knock down drag out in a long time.

I have learned to pick my battles with Murf. He will take me head on and is my match in the stubbornness department. Butch will take me on to but will take the higher road to nip a fight in the bud to stop things from escalating.
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
Reply With Quote
Old 02-25-2014, 09:14 PM
bofish bofish is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 221

We fight often due to miscommunication.

My husband and his GF have never had an agruement. He tells me that he is fearful there are many unresolved issue that lie right there, but no one brings up.

I think problems need to be address. Sometimes that takes a fight.
Reply With Quote
Old 02-26-2014, 01:05 AM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,554

Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
I think that really depends on the people involved and their "fighting style".
So true. I've had two relationships, my most recent with IV and a girlfriend some years ago in which there were never any "fights". I was with IV for 2 years and was with AD for probably about the same. There were disagreements but it was all stuff that could be resolved more or less.

Otherwise, my relationships have been more than capable of having knock down drag out brawls. Over the years it's embarrassing how many times voices have been raised and hurt feelings were hoarded for WAY too long.

Personally this tells me that I've only had two girlfriends I was actually compatible with and the rest were just good in bed, attractive, or whatever.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
Reply With Quote
Old 02-26-2014, 01:43 AM
willowstar willowstar is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 122

My husband and I dont fight a lot. We tend to avoid conflict like the plague. He is NOT good with that kind of emotion. He wears his heart on his sleeve, but if I start to raise my voice at all, even just in a conversation, he stops me and tells me to not be angry... Does not always work or go over well...

BF and I are very different. Have only had a couple large disagreements in the last year we have been together, and one horrendous fight. (Note to self: NEVER text fight again...) He comes from a family where if you dont talk loud, they wont even know you're there. Bickering is just conversation to him. And he can match me and one up me every time. But he and I also talk a LOT. In detail. And we share how we feel about absolutely everything. Even the hard stuff. It is just a very different communication relationship.
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming... ~ Dori

Willow ~ 47yo bi poly woman, married to Bear for 20 years
Bear-59 yo maybe poly/maybe mono straight man, still feeling it out
Reply With Quote
Old 02-26-2014, 05:16 AM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

Reply With Quote
Old 02-26-2014, 01:14 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 757

Disagreements are normal, and for most people so is arguing. Me? I don't fight. To me, fighting is an ineffective and often hurtful communication style. Of course this means I allow my partner(s) to calmly express all thoughts and feelings without taking offense so we can work out the issue. Fortunately, my current partner does the same for me.

I will say it's very taxing to be with someone who is always protecting his or her ego to the point that I don't feel I can trust that person with my issues without backlash. I have had such relationships before; I won't again.
Reply With Quote

communication, disagree, fight

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 01:31 PM.