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  #1  
Old 02-25-2014, 12:55 PM
Poly85 Poly85 is offline
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Default Trust issues with my BF

I am new with poly and in my first relationship since my husband and I decided to try it out. Every thing has been going great with the new guy for the last 3mos till now. I have been feeling like he has been hiding things from me. Our only rule is to be honest and open. He is free to date others, but I want to know about it. I have asked on a few occasions if there is anyone at all that he is slightly interested in or even kissed. I know how bad this is going to sound and how I should respect his privacy, but I snooped in his phone. I found out that he has indeed been lying. He has gone on a couple of recent dates. He has made out with someone and told them that he wants to have sex with them. He tells me I am the only one he wants and that there is no one else. So after that I asked yet again and same answers. And he has plans to meet up with some girl he met online.
Should I give him some time to see if he comes clean on his own till I confront him? If he doesn't come clean it's over! I do NOT put up with lies!
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Old 02-25-2014, 01:14 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Poly85 View Post
If he doesn't come clean it's over! I do NOT put up with lies!
Well, so what - perhaps he doesn't put up with his privacy being invaded. Are you going to confess to the terrible transgression and flagrant overstepping of his personal boundaries that you committed while you grill him for information?
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  #3  
Old 02-25-2014, 02:31 PM
Poly85 Poly85 is offline
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Yes, I will tell him how I found out about his lies. If he would have respected me enough to be honest with me I wouldn't have invaded his privacy. He knows I know his password and I have told him that I am the type to snoop if lied to. I gave plenty of warning about what lying will do. I have been completely honest with him and I expect the same in return.
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Old 02-25-2014, 03:02 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Why in the hell would he trust you when you don't trust him.

Besides you have been together 3 months. He doesn't know you. You have not seen each other at your worst. If you are this disrespectful now I can't imagine what you are like when you are past the honeymoon stage.
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Old 02-25-2014, 03:35 PM
Poly85 Poly85 is offline
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Is lying to my face not just as disrespectful?
As long as people respect me enough to be honest, then I give them the same respect. I would say the honeymoon phase is over at this point.
I know he will be pissed about me disrespecting his privacy, but at least I know that i judged him wrong and he is not the guy I thought he was.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Why in the hell would he trust you when you don't trust him.

Besides you have been together 3 months. He doesn't know you. You have not seen each other at your worst. If you are this disrespectful now I can't imagine what you are like when you are past the honeymoon stage.
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  #6  
Old 02-25-2014, 03:46 PM
london london is offline
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What would you have done if you didn't find anything?

Personally, I decided some time ago that if I felt the need to check my partner's phone for confirmation, the relationship is ruined anyway. The trust isn't there regardless of the truth. That's the issue.
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Old 02-27-2014, 06:39 AM
Tiberius Tiberius is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Poly85 View Post
Yes, I will tell him how I found out about his lies. If he would have respected me enough to be honest with me I wouldn't have invaded his privacy. He knows I know his password and I have told him that I am the type to snoop if lied to. I gave plenty of warning about what lying will do. I have been completely honest with him and I expect the same in return.
But the thing is that you didn't know he was lying until after you snooped. What if he had been telling the truth when he said there wasn't anyone and you snooped anyway?
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  #8  
Old 02-25-2014, 08:03 PM
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RedPanda RedPanda is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Poly85 View Post
I am new with poly and in my first relationship since my husband and I decided to try it out. Every thing has been going great with the new guy for the last 3mos till now. I have been feeling like he has been hiding things from me. Our only rule is to be honest and open. He is free to date others, but I want to know about it. I have asked on a few occasions if there is anyone at all that he is slightly interested in or even kissed. I know how bad this is going to sound and how I should respect his privacy, but I snooped in his phone. I found out that he has indeed been lying. He has gone on a couple of recent dates. He has made out with someone and told them that he wants to have sex with them. He tells me I am the only one he wants and that there is no one else. So after that I asked yet again and same answers. And he has plans to meet up with some girl he met online.
Should I give him some time to see if he comes clean on his own till I confront him? If he doesn't come clean it's over! I do NOT put up with lies!
I'm more interested in what's going on in his head.

If he says one thing and does the opposite, then he clearly doesn't know what he wants. Or maybe he does know what he wants but he's not willing to make the commitment or sacrifice.

It sounds like he wants to be monogamous but knows that he can't have that with you and so he's looking elsewhere.

Honestly, I would say let it go and move onto someone who wants the same things as you.
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  #9  
Old 02-26-2014, 12:19 PM
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HaloGirl HaloGirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Poly85 View Post
I am new with poly and in my first relationship since my husband and I decided to try it out. Every thing has been going great with the new guy for the last 3mos till now. I have been feeling like he has been hiding things from me. Our only rule is to be honest and open. He is free to date others, but I want to know about it. I have asked on a few occasions if there is anyone at all that he is slightly interested in or even kissed. I know how bad this is going to sound and how I should respect his privacy, but I snooped in his phone. I found out that he has indeed been lying. He has gone on a couple of recent dates. He has made out with someone and told them that he wants to have sex with them. He tells me I am the only one he wants and that there is no one else. So after that I asked yet again and same answers. And he has plans to meet up with some girl he met online.
Should I give him some time to see if he comes clean on his own till I confront him? If he doesn't come clean it's over! I do NOT put up with lies!
Okay, so no one is in the right here. You definitely shouldn't have gone through his phone and he shouldn't be lying to you. You have no reason to trust him, and he has no reason to trust you.

Now that that's established, let me ask this. How long has HE been poly? Because it seems to me that while he might understand the concept behind be open and honest, he doesn't fully subscribe to it. Like he doesn't fully believe when you say that he can be honest with you. If the relationship is worth it to you, insist on talking. Be honest with him - that's the only way you can expect him to be honest with you.

You're new to poly and there's definitely a significant learning curve. Either way, there is something for you to learn about yourself in this situation. Do you want to be with someone who brings out this distrust in you? Do you want to be with someone who doesn't "do" poly the way you do? Do you want to be the person to teach someone else how to communicate? There are many questions to ask yourself here. Just be honest with yourself.
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  #10  
Old 02-26-2014, 02:14 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Is it a breech of trust if you tell someone you will snoop if you feel you're getting lied to and they go ahead and give you their password? This just doesn't make any sense.....I'm not sure of any reason for giving someone your password if not so they have access to your conversations and other online activity.
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