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  #1  
Old 02-21-2014, 06:55 PM
Sandy2u Sandy2u is offline
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Default How do I have this conversation

So far our triad has worked amazingly well. I have never felt happier or safer in my life. There had been very little jealousy and lots of compersion, we are all happy. My female partner started off with several boundaries for her husband and I, and quickly dropped all but one. He and I are not allowed to have actual intercourse. She has said from the beginning that this will change eventually, she just isn't there yet. He and I are having our first romantic weekend away next week, and I worry that we might go there. I don't want to break her trust, and I don't want to deny what I feel for him. So clearly we need to renegotiate this boundary. Well not renegotiate it- drop it all together.

I don't even know how to broach the conversation. Do we all have it together, do they have it, do her and I have it?? This is hard because they have only ever had intercourse with each other. This seems unfathomable to me, but it was a big thing to them. I feel like I am in high school again and am doing the technical virgin thing. We do absolutely everything else, our beds and sleeping situation are all very fluid and we function wonderfully except for this. Maybe I should just let it be for awhile longer. It's only been a couple of months.
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  #2  
Old 02-21-2014, 10:17 PM
Orangesmartie Orangesmartie is offline
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I think this is a conversation you need to have before you and he go way for the weekend, otherwise you may find yourself in very difficult circumstances. Breaking her trust on this break will set back the relationship by many months.

Perhaps best if you sit down to discuss as three individuals. Ask female partner how she is feeling about it and what are her feelings behind the no intercourse rule.

Also, as male partner for his thoughts on it. Is he going along with the ban because she wants it? is it something he also wants?

If she says she would like that rule to continue, ask her to set a time limit for when it can be reviewed. Ask what she would like to help her feel more comfortable in dropping this rule.
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Old 02-21-2014, 11:58 PM
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phantazmagoria phantazmagoria is offline
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I was that woman for a while. It was a very hard decision to let them have sex without me. But I did. And it was hard. Lots of panic attacks. I found out that the only way I was ever going to be okay with it was to let them do it.

That doesn't help you, but I just wanted to share that. I think you should have a conversation between all three of you before you go away. If you have the mentality "it's better to ask forgiveness than permission" in these cases, you could royally mess up everything.

Good luck!!!
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Old 02-22-2014, 12:50 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I agree with Orangesmartie. But talk in trio to avoid triangulation. Say it just like you did there or print the post. That you have honored this boundary but want to talk and negotiate to lower the boundary in time because it no longer fits and the relationship is deepening. You do not want to break it and cheat but need to make people aware your needs are changing.

Galalgirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-22-2014 at 12:53 AM.
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  #5  
Old 02-22-2014, 03:58 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Why did you go along with that foolishness? She is dictating how you can be in a relationship with this man. She may be his wife but she's not his owner - nor yours. The only person who should have a say about what you do with your body is YOU.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #6  
Old 02-22-2014, 04:26 AM
Sandy2u Sandy2u is offline
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I went along with it because she is my best friend and we are new at this. None of us even knew the term polyamory, we just fell in love. It wasn't until we started reading and researching that we realized those sorts of boundaries didn't have to exist and they don't necessarily help their relationship, and they sure as heck don't help mine.

So he attempted to have the conversation without me and it didn't go well apparently. So he and I just had a conversation about whether we were a triad or a V because they shouldn't be having conversations about my sex life with no input from me. So the three of us are going to sit down once the babies go to sleep tonight. I am fine waiting for her to get more comfortable but I am not okay feeling secondary and less than. I don't get to dictate their sex life and they shouldn't get to dictate mine. Again, I can wait but I want to know if I am waiting three months or three years.
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  #7  
Old 02-24-2014, 05:40 PM
TrixieMixie TrixieMixie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sandy2u View Post
So far our triad has worked amazingly well. I have never felt happier or safer in my life. There had been very little jealousy and lots of compersion, we are all happy. My female partner started off with several boundaries for her husband and I, and quickly dropped all but one. He and I are not allowed to have actual intercourse. She has said from the beginning that this will change eventually, she just isn't there yet. He and I are having our first romantic weekend away next week, and I worry that we might go there. I don't want to break her trust, and I don't want to deny what I feel for him. So clearly we need to renegotiate this boundary. Well not renegotiate it- drop it all together.

I don't even know how to broach the conversation. Do we all have it together, do they have it, do her and I have it?? This is hard because they have only ever had intercourse with each other. This seems unfathomable to me, but it was a big thing to them. I feel like I am in high school again and am doing the technical virgin thing. We do absolutely everything else, our beds and sleeping situation are all very fluid and we function wonderfully except for this. Maybe I should just let it be for awhile longer. It's only been a couple of months.
At first she made him wear condoms because she didn't want us pregnant and for some reason they never get each other pregnant. That was a couple years ago and now since my GF has become more confident with herself, she has let him not use a condom (which is awesome) and all three of us are prepared to have a baby if that happens. Such a good relationship we all have I am so glad I am not just with a man.
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