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Old 02-17-2014, 10:18 PM
asmile asmile is offline
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Post I Am Clingy

Hello! I am in my first relationship, kind of, not even sure if I can call it that. He was the one who said he was interested in poly. I had never imagined myself in a poly relationship, but I never had anything against them, and was interested in giving it a try.
As this is my first experience in a relationship of any kind, navigating everything has been tricky for me. I most certainly have been quite clingy, and very very available, due to many factors, mainly my craving for attention and wanting to finally not be lonely after years of being quite anti-social. I feel like I grabbed on really tightly, and am unsure how to processed. We are very open with each other. I know that there are other women he is interested in and says he feels a more "light my fire" type of attraction to them, but many of those people are quite unavailable to him for many reasons. He is my closest friend, we both enjoy being intimate together, and I do not want to lose what we have. But as of right now, for him it is more casual and fun, and it has deeper meaning to me. It is a bit confusing for me trying to sort out what the best course of action is right now. Should I just step back? If so, how far? Has anyone recognized their clinginess, and been able to turn it off? Just any advice would be appreciated.
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Old 02-18-2014, 01:07 AM
graviton graviton is offline
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my advice is to change your expectations or step back from the relationship. It is far easier for you to lower your expectations for the relationship rather than to expect him to somehow create deeper feelings for the relationship. That is something that he will need to do on his own or not at all. If it hurt you too much then I would suggest you remove yourself from the relationship.
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Old 02-18-2014, 12:35 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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May I ask your age?
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Old 02-18-2014, 01:11 PM
asmile asmile is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
May I ask your age?
I am 21
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  #5  
Old 02-18-2014, 05:52 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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You're not clingy, telling yourself that is self-defeating. At 21, you're not fully formed yet! I can almost guarantee that whatever relationship you're in now will NOT be the relationship you'll be in 5 years from now if that helps you relax a little. You have a whole lifetime ahead of you for seducing and being seduced.

Sound like you might have what they call an "anxious" attachment style. As do I. The way to be less "clingy" is cultivate your own garden: form friendships, have hobbies and interests, have lots going on in your life outside your relationships. Be warned we "anxiously attached" tend to get involved with "love avoidants," who bring out the worst in us.

I'm assuming he's aware you would like something less casual with him, and he's just not on board. If you're not getting what you want from this relationship, you're choices are 1) lower your expectations, and enjoy a casual relationship. Date others. Don't try to fake it, though, if that's not what you want. You don't want to be hurting and pining and hoping for him to come around to love when that might never happen. 2) Walk away, tend to your own well-being, and seek someone who is as into you as you are into them.
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Old 02-19-2014, 02:06 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
... At 21, you're not fully formed yet! I can almost guarantee that whatever relationship you're in now will NOT be the relationship you'll be in 5 years from now if that helps you relax a little. You have a whole lifetime ahead of you for seducing and being seduced...

While I agree that "you have a while lifetime ahead of you for seducing and being seduced" it is possible that someone might be in a relationship with the same person 5 years down the road (even at 21). The truth is that most potential relationships don't seem to weather the early stages...or, even if they do, they may not weather the fading of NRE down the road. (Which is why we have "dating" and "engagement" - so we can try things!)

Now, even if someone is in a relationship with the same person the relationship itself will be different - because people (and therefore the relationships that they are in) change and grow and evolve over time.

For the record, I am still with my first boyfriend ever (now my husband) - which comes as quite a surprise since I had never (until then) imagined myself "partnered" at all . We met when I was 18, married when I was 22...and that was 17 years ago. On the other hand, we were never, strictly speaking, monogamous (by agreement, although our boundaries have flexed and changed over time - evolving to where we are now)

The problem, as I see it, is not that you are young or clingy - but that the two of you are not in the same "place" in terms of what you want. Which isn't to say it can't work at all (MrS had to wait 6 mos for me to "catch on" to the fact that we were even dating) - but you can't force feelings, and you have to be able to accept that he may never be in a place to want a deeper relationship with you. Which is sad, but not catastrophic if you are able to allow yourself to be open to other opportunities at the same time.

Just my two (or twenty-two) cents.

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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