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Old 02-15-2014, 08:47 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Default Why do single people become poly?

I'm sure there are lots of threads...I'm just truly curious...
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Old 02-15-2014, 09:06 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Why wouldn't they?

It's an odd question, as if only married people would logically be poly. I would think it's more natural for single people to be poly and less natural for married folk, in a society that is predominantly monogamous, since all it means is having more than one relationship. Is it because you're married that you wonder why? The question doesn't make sense to me, but...

My answer: single polyfolk don't feel the need to limit themselves when it comes to loving relationships, just like anyone else who feels the same way. What's marital status got to do with it, anyway?

Being single and poly is not exactly the same as being solo poly, but many here is a good thread I started asking what solo poly means to many of us:
Solo poly people - what's your ideal?

You can also check out this blog by a member who doesn't post here much anymore:
solopoly.net: What’s wonderful about being solo, polyamorous, and single
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-15-2014 at 09:19 PM.
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Old 02-15-2014, 09:16 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Why wouldn't they?

It's an odd question, as if only married people would logically be poly. I would think it's more natural for single people to be poly and less natural for married folk, in a society that is predominantly monogamous, since all it means is having more than one relationship. Is it because you're married that you wonder why? The question doesn't make sense to me, but...

My answer: single polyfolk don't feel the need to limit themselves when it comes to loving relationships, just like anyone else who feels the same way. What's marital status got to do with it, anyway?
I agree with you, nycindie, as a "single" person (oh, don't you love the semantics of poly?), I don't see why I wouldn't be poly. Or mono. Or whatever felt comfortable for me.

However, it appears to be more usual for people to go through the usual monogamous dating/engaged/married pattern-- and THEN discover that they're poly. Monogamy is something everyone knows about; poly is something you generally stumble into. I might like mangosteen sorbet better than chocolate ice cream, but I'm probably not initially going to be, "Yep, I'm a mangosteen kind of person." How would I even know that flavor exists?

Chances of a person discovering they're poly BEFORE they are married/engaged/committed are rare. So the idea of a single person wanting to be poly might confuse a lot of people.

Last edited by nycindie; 02-15-2014 at 09:25 PM. Reason: fixed quote formatting
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Old 02-15-2014, 09:19 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Props to those married folk who DO discover they are poly after the fact-- and then have to struggle with the dangerous, or at least incredibly awkward, "coming out" talk. I've had those sorts of talks with potential partners. But at least if they are opposed to poly, I haven't emotionally/physically/financially invested half a life behind them. I still hate 'em and am dreading one that will come up soon....
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Old 02-15-2014, 09:24 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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O, I'm just ruminating about my own situation.

I'm in a long-term marriage with a kid. My husband's girlfriend identifies as poly, but has never been married or in a long-term relationship. She definitely wants a primary (which puts a lot of stress on my husband). It seems that she would be able to get her needs met better if she just approached the situation differently, but who knows!

I do thing being single is inherently poly, because most people date lots of people until they "settle down." But I, personally, would;t date a married poly guy if I wanted a primary partner, it seems too painful.
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Old 02-15-2014, 09:27 PM
bofish bofish is offline
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Luckily, we haven't had any trouble coming out. We did it slowly, and now our kid, friends, and my colleagues and parents know. Even our parents who are conservative didn't give us much hassle. I would admit though. If we were "three" and wanted to attend family events, this would be much much harder. We define ourselves as an "open marriage" which means (to us) we are still married, but date other people. And we actually haven't gotten any slack. I guess we're lucky.

I don't really know about hard-wiring. I know many poly people liken it to being gay. It would be terrible for me to negate anyone's experience, so I am sure that is true. However, many people I talk to feel merely that theirs just can't be met by one person. If they are liberal; they might open up. If they are nnot, they seem to cheat and/or remain unhappy or divorce. I've experienced very few people who seemed "natually monogamous" i.e. in love and happy fucking only one person for 30 plus years.

Last edited by bofish; 02-15-2014 at 09:32 PM.
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Old 02-18-2014, 12:43 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bofish View Post
I do thing being single is inherently poly, because most people date lots of people until they "settle down." But I, personally, would;t date a married poly guy if I wanted a primary partner, it seems too painful.
Why not? The point of polyamory is that you have more than one partner (at some point, at least). Nothing says the first one has to be primary (of course, you can absolutely have more than one primary, so being married doesn't mean you can't be someone else's primary as well).

If you reject people because you feel you're not meeting them in the "right" order, you're gonna be in trouble. Why would you refrain from dating someone who is compatible because you want something they can't offer, when you can and plan on dating other people anyways?
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Old 02-18-2014, 01:49 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Bofish, you seem to be regarding your husband's girlfriend with suspicion. You seem very critical of her motives ("why would she choose to date a married man when she wants a husband of her own"), etc.

Why don't you apply this same criticism to your husband? If he wants a girlfriend but NOT a second wife, why would he choose to date a woman who is looking for a husband?
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Old 02-20-2014, 05:09 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bofish View Post
I do thing being single is inherently poly, because most people date lots of people until they "settle down." But I, personally, would;t date a married poly guy if I wanted a primary partner, it seems too painful.
Most often, "polyamory" describes being in multiple relationships. While strictly speaking, the word means "many loves," we generally only consider those that have gotten past some arbitrary threshold. Casual relationships are still relationships, but someone with whom you've gone on a couple dates are not.

So by that understanding, single people are neither mono nor poly. They're single, not in any relationship. It's only once they settle down, in some sense of the word, that the distinction between poly and mono has any real significance.

However, single people do have a tendency or preference towards one type of configuration or another. People who have a tendency to form mono relationships would not be described as "poly" simply because they've gone on first dates with two different people in the same week. They have the understanding that as soon as they "click" with someone, they'll discontinue dating others. Poly people do not have this understanding. If they click with someone, they'll develop that relationship, but they'll probably maintain the others as well.
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Old 02-15-2014, 09:24 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
However, it appears to be more usual for people to go through the usual monogamous dating/engaged/married pattern-- and THEN discover that they're poly.
Perhaps on a board like this one, or in poly get-togethers, it seems that way, but what a small cross-section of society these represent! I would not assume that what gets posted here is "the usual" about people in general - it's just what's usual about people who choose to post about their lives on internet forums focused on polyamory.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
Chances of a person discovering they're poly BEFORE they are married/engaged/committed are rare.
I disagree.

It's much more common and acceptable for single people to want non-exclusivity in relationships and to date more than one person than it is for married people. Whether they call themselves poly is a moot point - besides the fact that not everyone views poly as an identity or "wiring," a lot of people have multiple relationships without ever using the word "polyamorous" to describe them or themselves. Some have never even heard of the term.
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-15-2014 at 09:31 PM.
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