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Old 02-13-2014, 04:16 AM
BillNIndy BillNIndy is offline
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Indiana
Posts: 43
Smile The story of our relationship

I've been wanting to write about our relationship for the purpose of keeping record of how things progress.

T (wife) and D (husband) have been together (married) for 5 years. They have always been interested in Poly, but have never practiced it. I am very interested in Poly as well and have a little experience where it is concerned. I have been in a polyfidelity triad with two women. The relationship lasted for about a year and a half.

I met T and D at a local Poly Meetup group meeting. They seemed great and I had an instant attraction to T. She's gorgeous and honestly, I thought she was out of my league.

We met up at the next Poly meet up and decided to go out as a group to a local club and have a few drinks and talk. I really hit it off with them both. (I am straight, D is straight) We had a great time and by the end of the night I had asked D if it was OK to pursue something more with T. D gave me his blessing and I was so happy. T and I talked and discussed the possibility of going out on a date in the near future.

Before we went on our first date, T and D invited me to their house to talk about where we all stood on things. (See other post here to get a feel for what took place at that visit to their house)

One of the things I found out after this meeting is that because T and I spent some time alone in a room at their house (door was shut/locked for privacy -- nothing was going on) that T's daughter felt very awkward about the situation as she had just learned a few hours before my arrival of her parents' decision to live Poly and that her mom was going to start dating me. It really upset her (which was SOOO not the intention).

T and I both made a bad choice by staying in the house to have a little bit of alone time. In hindsight, we should have gone out of the house and had some coffee or something so that things weren't overwhelming for her daughter.

This situation really upset D (as well as T and myself), so D asked me to meet him alone for a few drinks so we could discuss a few issues that he had concerning my relationship with T.

We met at a local pub and had a very intense conversation. I felt as though he was sill trying to strongly discourage my relationship with T and using the mistake of making their daughter feel uncomfortable as a prime example. Things got very heated and unfriendly. We ended the evening and I felt like I had been attacked. I was very worried about the future of the relationship with T.

D told me that T was using poor judgment since beginning to see me, I was using poor judgment, that T wasn't "as into me" as I was into her, that he thought that I was not a "good candidate" for a relationship with T in their Poly lifestyle, etc. (But at the end of the night, D invited me to go out with him and some other people to have some fun on another night later the same week)

T and I still went on our first date and had an amazing time. T told me that she was really enjoying spending time with me and that D had been acting very out of character from what the "norm" was in their relationship. T & D have a "no veto power" rule in their relationship and I was told that I need not worry about it. T expressed to me that she thought it was best that D and myself stay separate for a while until things smooth over.

I agreed with T that I probably should not be around D for the time being and that I was still very interested in pursuing a relationship with her (she was scared that D would push me away with his passive/aggressive hostility).

A few days after the meeting, D was very remorseful regarding the way things had ended the night that we met for drinks. He sent T an e-mail apology that he wanted her to give me. I feel his apology is very sincere and I believe that things are beginning to smooth out. D had been going though a lot of other stresses (outside of my relationship with T) and that he believed that his behavior was more related to that than it was about our situation. I truly appreciated this gesture by D and I'm glad things are moving back in the right direction. Even T & D's daughter is beginning to come around to the concept and has stated that she would like to give me another chance to meet her, which is great! D again asked me to go out with him and some others socially, which I passed up on mainly due to work issues, but there was still a part of me that was stuck on the interaction we had previously. My hope is that given a little more time, D and I would become good friends. I never wanted to be an issue for T & D, nor do I want to be "tolerated" as a partner. I want to be appreciated and respected.

My daughter is 17 and I have a very close, honest relationship with her. She knows my decision to live life poly and while that would not be a choice she makes for herself, she is respectful of my decision and knows that T is married. She met T and loves her to death. She still hasn't quite wrapped her mind around the entire situation as of yet, but it's progressing. (Which is a huge relief for me to hear)

I want T and D's daughter to have that same opportunity. I think that I could have a great relationship with her as well and I hope that chance comes in the future.

T came over to my house the other day to spend the day just talking and hanging out with me. We had an amazing time together, and we talked about what we would want out of this relationship. T, D and I all believe in not "labeling" things such as Primary/Secondary relationships. In our (T & my own) opinion, labeling a relationship as secondary comes with a connotation that the relationship is less important than a primary, which is soooo not always the case. Sometimes, in a poly relationship, you can be emotionally closer to the secondary or at least equally as close as the primary relationship.

We all agree to practice polyfidelity in our lives. While I have no other partners and D has no other partners, we are open to the addition of 1 partner for D and 1 for myself. Ultimately, it would be absolutely AMAZING if we found a single woman who was interested in being with D, T and I all emotionally (and physically) intimately. But, reality states that it is PROBABLY not going to happen that way. We do believe that we should always be open about finding another partner and that any potential partner should at least meet with the others to make sure it's a good fit for all of us. (Kind of committee type dating) -- BUT, the ultimate decision is that of the person that is wanting to add the partner. There are no veto powers.

T believes that at some point down the road (as long as things continue to progress as amazingly as they have) that she would like to view me as an "additional husband". I envision this as well. I think that once we are settled into a very solid and healthy relationship that involves everyone in our lives that there is a possibility of a commitment ceremony to celebrate our relationship. (This is still quite a ways away, but I do think it is possible)

I'm still looking for another partner, but don't feel like I have to rush things. T is eager for me to find someone that I connect with romantically and that she can connect with (at least on a friendship level). D also states that he is open to meeting someone, but is not actively looking because he doesn't feel the "need" to find someone.

Anyhow, this is just the beginning. I hope to share more of the inner workings of this relationship as it progresses and I hope that by the end of it, it would be an amazing success story of how we made things work. I think that the number one thing we have to always do is keep the lines of communication open in a healthy, adult-like manner. As long as we are capable of that, it could/should work out great!

Thanks for being a sounding board (especially Galagirl, who always has amazing advice)! I'm certainly open to any questions/comments about our situation and I will write more as we grow in our relationship and experience levels with poly.
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Old 02-14-2014, 01:02 AM
BillNIndy BillNIndy is offline
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Indiana
Posts: 43
Default ... update ... and frustration

Today was a rough day for T. She was going through a lot. I wanted to see her, but I knew that it was probably not possible. However, when plans for myself changed, we happened upon a spontaneous opportunity to be together this evening for a few hours.

We made plans to meet this evening and spend some time together. We were both very excited as it would be a great way for her to get some stress relief and for me to relax after a hectic day at work. (oh, have I mentioned that T and I have not yet become sexually intimate?)

So, not long after plans were made I get a phone call/voicemail from D stating that T had been going through a lot and he was worried about her driving too far to visit me (we live about an hour away from each other). T has a history of becoming prone to car accidents when she is stressed out and I completely understood where D was coming from. I agreed that she shouldn't drive too much and that was that. After all, we both care about her safety and well being.

T sent me a message a little while later wondering why D and I agreed that T would not come see me this evening. I explained to T that was not the case. I was just stating that I wanted her to be safe, so I wanted her to minimize the distance she drove.

We made plans for her to drive to my work instead of my home (about 1/2 way between her home and mine) and I would then drive her the rest of the way to my house and then she could pick up her car at my work and drive home at the end of our visit together.

I got a message from T shortly before it was time for her to come to my work stating that she had not yet left her home as she was discussing the visit with D. I said that was not a problem. I wasn't really in a hurry to get home, so I figured if she was a little late, so be it. Moments later, she texts me a message saying "Not gonna make it tonite "

I felt immediately sad. Not just for me, but for her. I figured it was some complication at home with D that had caused this. However, I understand the dynamics of her home life and I let her know that it was OK. I told her not to let it get her down and she could just call me later and talk. We've already got plans for Saturday night (I CAN'T WAIT!) and I figured I can hold off a few more days before I get to see her.

T told me she feels manipulated by D to not come visit me. I'm not sure why that is the case. I haven't gotten the chance to talk to her yet, but I hate it. We're most certainly falling in love with each other and I want her to be happy (and I want to be happy myself). I am frustrated because I am starting to see a pattern of D trying to manipulate our relationship. I think he's using his professional skills to impose his will on T at times.

I'm hoping this is not the case. I really do. My main concern is that if this is going to be a source of stress for T... what do I do? I don't want anything bad to come to our new found relationship, but it truly makes me sad when I see/think of her feeling down. I think (just my opinion, not confirmed by her) that she feels like she's not given the opportunity to enjoy a true poly relationship the way she wants. I think she envisions, like I do, the ability to enjoy her partners "at will". I know that in certain situations, she would crave the comfort and security and care of D, but I know that there may be certain times where she would crave my company as well. D and I have very different personalities, which is a good thing for T. She can have the opportunity to spend time with both of us to help fill her need for different types of attention.

So, as it is... I'm sitting here writing a blog and she's sitting at home. (HOPEFULLY not feeling bad) I can't wait for Saturday when we can be together. I try and keep things light when I am with her. I know that she can have some pretty intense conversations with D since he is so analytical and I know that T enjoys that at times, but I think she enjoys being worry free and more relaxed as well. Yes, we have intimate conversations about things that are tough to talk about at times, but I want to enjoy her in good spirits. She has a smile that lights up a room and a laugh that makes me feel like a love-struck teenage boy at times.
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Old 02-14-2014, 12:16 PM
BillNIndy BillNIndy is offline
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Indiana
Posts: 43

I FORGOT TO MENTION: The intent of this is not to be a one-sided monologue, but more of an interactive discussion... I don't know why I failed to mention this before.
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Old 02-15-2014, 04:26 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

People will respond as they see fit, I am sure. However, the blogs section here is treated as a bit more "sacred" than other forums we have. Other members may comment but debate and argument is not allowed, and the person whose blog it is can request that any other member's posts be deleted by a Mod if they want, no reason needed. If you want responses, yes, ask for them, but in general people will be more polite and cautious about posting on someone's blog thread.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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Old 02-17-2014, 05:37 AM
BillNIndy BillNIndy is offline
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Indiana
Posts: 43

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
People will respond as they see fit, I am sure. However, the blogs section here is treated as a bit more "sacred" than other forums we have. Other members may comment but debate and argument is not allowed, and the person whose blog it is can request that any other member's posts be deleted by a Mod if they want, no reason needed. If you want responses, yes, ask for them, but in general people will be more polite and cautious about posting on someone's blog thread.
Thanks for the advice, Nycindie!
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Old 02-27-2014, 04:50 PM
BillNIndy BillNIndy is offline
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Indiana
Posts: 43
Default Interesting turn of events and some understanding among all of us

So, a lot has happened since I posted last. I have decided for various reasons to not pursue any type of relationship/friendship with N. She was obviously much more into me than I was her and was starting to show some severe signs of jealousy whenever I would talk about my girlfriend, T. So, I had to let N know that I was not interested in pursuing anything with her at this time (even as a friendship) and I apologized that it had to be that way. She wasn't thrilled, but respects my decision.

As far as the turmoil that we had amongst ourselves (T, D and myself) it turns out there was a pretty important piece of information that was either miscommunicated or misunderstood. T and D had discussed what T's ideal poly situation would be and she expressed that she would like to eventually look at the possibility of having a "co-husband" type of relationship with me in the future. Now, exactly how that was WORDED may have been different and also part of the problem. D took it as that I was NOW a co-husband without any discussion with him prior to that deep of a decision being made. D read my blog and got the same "jist" from reading that he was now "co-husbanding" his wife with me.

I can see how this would have sent him reeling. To feel like he had no part in the discussion at all and that she would make such a decision without discussing it as a group would be very hurtful. But, after further discussion, T and D resolved the communication problem and things once again appear to be heading in the right direction for us all.

Monday (3 days ago), T, D and myself met at a restaurant to meet a gentleman who was interested in meeting the 3 of us (more interested in meeting T, but since he was driving so far and T feels strongly that any potential partners would need to meet all of us, we all met). We had a nice time, it was very comfortable (probably more comfortable than any of the previous outings with T and D). Things just felt really good. Everyone had a good vibe and it was a great evening of conversation and company.

T and I had talked about maintaining a regular schedule for our time together and she worked it out to be on Tuesdays and Saturdays. Unfortunately, since T and D had plans on Sunday afternoon, T had met up with an old friend on Sunday night, the outing on Monday and potential outing for T and D on Wednesday, it was thought best that T skip Tuesday this week in order to make sure she is home enough to not cause undue stress on their family life with their daughter.

I completely agree that her time as a parent is always more important than our time together, but I felt very conflicted about missing time with T. It was a feeling almost like I had been cheated out of time with T because she had a very busy social calendar.

T and I discussed this on the phone Tuesday and she understood how I could feel this way. (on a side note, T's daughter actually acknowledged me directly on the phone Tuesday morning!! YAY!!! Progress is being made in that area.)

T took action on this quickly and wanted to reschedule our missed time on Thursday so that we still had 2 days this week together. But, in her discussion with D, their Wednesday plans fell through and T was able to come over last night.

It was so nice to spend time with her (as it always is). We had a great dinner and spent some time at my house just relaxing and talking. I've been having some pretty severe muscle cramps in my shoulders over the past several days (mostly stress related) and T spent some time trying to massage out the kinks in my shoulders. We hung out with my daughter and talked for a while and just had a great evening.

One of the things I mentioned to T this morning as we lie in bed was that I know how I feel when I don't get to talk to her either in the morning or evening before bed. Getting that opportunity to talk to her at those times sets my day off on a good note and helps me feel relaxed and ready for bed in the evenings. I suggested to T that since I know that I feel this way, I think that in the future when she spends time with me that she should give D and their daughter that same opportunity so that there is not a feeling of 'disconnect' when she is with me. This way they don't ever feel like time with me takes away from them more than it has to.

I think that if she called D in the evening and just kind of got current on things that were going on with him and their daughter for the evening and then called in the morning to say good morning or have a discussion about things, it would feel like she's not trying to escape them or not up to date with the goings on at home.

T liked this idea and said she could do that for me since I thought it was important.

ANYHOW - That's about all there is for now. Can't wait for T to come over on Saturday, I cherish the time I am with her and I know that we are building a good solid foundation for something that can be very long lasting.
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Old 02-17-2014, 05:36 AM
BillNIndy BillNIndy is offline
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Indiana
Posts: 43
Default Great weekend...

T and I got to spend some real quality time together. D went to visit his parents this weekend out of town, so T and I took the opportunity to spend as much time together as possible.

I picked T up Friday night and brought her to my house. This was her first sleepover with me. We spent Friday night together in bed cuddling, talking and really enjoying each other's company. Saturday morning, we took my daughter out to walmart and to breakfast.

We spent the majority of the late morning in bed, cuddling, etc. Saturday night, we went to see Cats at a local dinner theatre. What a great show. It was so nice to be able to be with T for such an extended time. We really deepened our relationship and connection this weekend. I couldn't have asked for anything more.

Today, it was tough to take her home and go on my business trip. But, on a good note, I think that there is slight progress on getting T's daughter to be accepting of our choice to be together. I really hope that at some point, when she is ready, that we will have the chance to meet and get to know each other. I think we would get along wonderfully.

T and I have both agreed that we are "all in" about making our relationship as deep as we can possibly go. Even though our relationship is so young in the big picture, it seems like we have known each other for so much longer. We click on so many different levels. The connection is something we have discussed and neither of us can really explain, but we both feel it.

Wednesday night, T, D and I are getting together for dinner and conversation. I'm looking forward to this opportunity and hope that it is a chance for us to be social and relieve some of the stress that has been plaguing my opportunity for a friendship with D. I really want to get along with D, we both have the same interest.... Keeping T in a good place and making sure she feels loved and safe. T kinda has the 'kid in a candy shop' scenario, which we joked about today before I took her home. D and I are so different personality wise that she can enjoy two very different environments/relationship types, which makes her feel great.

I'm still looking for a partner for myself. Someone that I can share more of the day to day happiness/sorrow/life experiences with. T is very supportive of this as she understands that is something I crave and reality states I can't have that with her. I have talked to a few women on OKC and have plans on getting to know them both better. I'm not sure where it will go. One (C) is very introverted and shy but has a very deep personality. The other (N) is very inexperienced when it comes to polyamory, but very eager to meet me.

Ultimately, I want someone that is compatible with D, T and I (at least on a friendship level) and it would be great if T and this person would vibe on a more intimate level as well.

T and I both agree that we want to close our circle and enjoy life as a polyfi group soon. We talked about this over the weekend as well and we think that if D was to add a partner and I was to add a partner, our circle could be closed and things would be great. Only time will tell how this works out. We know it is not something we want to force and we are not NEEDING to find other partners quickly just to accomplish this. I feel like I am satisfied with the way things are going with T how they are at this time, so I can be more selective in my search for another partner. It will happen at some point, but for now I'm just enjoying continuing to deepen my relationship with T.
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