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Old 02-08-2014, 05:14 AM
civfan civfan is offline
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 31
Default How do I tell a potential new lover I am poly?

Have any of you had to do this and how did you do it? Also if you haven't had to do but have really good advice please reply.
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Old 02-08-2014, 11:25 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

If you do a little searching and reading through these forums, you'll find... oh, about a million threads on this subject, with good feedback and suggestions.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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Old 02-08-2014, 09:00 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,448

I had to do this with Gralson when we started dating. I just told him, "You need to know that I'm polyamorous. That means that I don't subscribe to monogamy, and that if someone comes along whom I want to date, I'm going to date them. If you want to date me, it means accepting that."

As difficult as it can be to broach the subject, it's always harder the longer you wait. Wait long enough, and you open the door to feelings of betrayal and dishonesty. The sooner you bring it up, the more likely they are to trust you when you tell them you believe in honesty and open communication.

Some people find it's easier to broach the subject hypothetically... e.g. "Hey, I saw this video online yesterday about polyamory. You know, people in open relationships? What do you think about that?" If they shut right down, then you can save yourself the trouble and quietly cross them off the "potential lover" list. If they seem open to the idea but confused or uncertain, you can explain more about it. If you get to a point where it seems they might accept it, you can mention that you've always felt that way but you've never met someone who was willing to give it a shot, or something along those lines.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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Old 02-08-2014, 09:29 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,895

I don't "date" per se - but we tend to only get involved with people who already know us (and anyone who knows us socially, knows that we are together) or that we have met through a venue where the poly is disclosed up-front (like MeetUps or on OKC).

Since MrS and I wear wedding bands and Dude lives with us - it would be pretty hard for us to keep the poly a secret from anyone that really got to know us...so it is unlikely to ever be a problem.
JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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