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Old 02-07-2014, 12:45 PM
MandyMeister MandyMeister is offline
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Unhappy Trust issues

Ok here's the thing. I've been abused, verbally/emotionally/mentally by exes. I come across my current boyfriend(I think he still is temporarily) and he's almost too good to be true. So things come up to make me question his fidelity. And yesterday I found too many things.. Like Whipped cream, new women's body gel in the bathroom, and two missing condoms out of his closet. (What am I to think??) Well turns out since I've been accusing him so much, he set me up. He pulled out the "used" condoms.. Turns out they fell in his clothes when he was moving things around. Now he says enough's enough, he wants to break up. I obviously don't because although I do have a little bit of trust issues, I never did anything wrong. He is going away to Florida tomorrow morning for three days and two nights (!!) and he said temporarily we're back together but he is going to think about everything and tell me the final outcome Thursday when he gets back. He told me he still loves me tho..What should I do??
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Old 02-07-2014, 02:30 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
I never did anything wrong
Wrong no.. but you showed you don't trust. Thats tough to overcome in the best of relationships.

Maybe make an effort in the direction of trust. Seek counselling of some kind, or try to have open discussion with him about why you lack trust. Relationships are built on foundations of trust. It doesn't sound like he has given you any reason not to, so trust in that.

Easier said than done but still doable
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Old 02-07-2014, 03:09 PM
Tigergirl Tigergirl is offline
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If you honestly want to grow and overcome your issues, now is the perfect time. Use these days while he is away to look in to counseling, go check out some self help books, do whatever it is you need to start actively working past your issues. Let him know what you're doing in a matter of fact way (not in an emotionally manipulative way)- "I've realized that my trust issues are really a problem for me and I don't want that. I've decided to work on that, I've taken these steps so far." It's easier to forgive somebody who makes understandable mistakes if they show a real commitment to growth and are making efforts to not make those mistakes again. It's up to him to decide if that's something he comfortable with. Either way things go, actively working on your trust issues will only make your life better, in this relationship or in any others, so it's a wise decision to make.

That all being said, I think "setting you up" to prove a point is kind of douche-y, especially if that point is being used as the excuse to end things. Even the most trusting of people would probably question things in that scenario. I would question myself if that kind of emotional manipulation towards me was okay from a partner, and I would at the very least have a discussion with them about it. Just saying, because you might have messed up, but so did he.
  #4  
Old 02-07-2014, 03:19 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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I call shenanigans and all kinds of FRESH.

I am sorry you are dealing in this but tread carefully!

SHORT VERSION

Quote:
Now he says enough's enough, he wants to break up. I obviously don't because although I do have a little bit of trust issues, I never did anything wrong.
If "enough is enough and he wants to break up" then he could do the decent thing and just break up, right? Not be adding mind games to it. He's got an agenda.

You are correct. You do not have to break up with him because YOU did anything wrong in this instance. You could break up with him because HE did something wrong! Dude sets you up with mind games rather than building trust appropriately or breaking up appropriately. Dude is all kinds of fresh!

AGREE with him -- "Yes. You are right. I agree. We are broken up."

You deserve to be treated well in relationship.
You deserve to be broken up with well if the relationship has to end.

You do not deserve to be taken for a ride on the shenanigans train.

LONG VERSION

Quote:
Well turns out since I've been accusing him so much, he set me up
When a healthy person agrees to date a person still in healing mode, they accept that the person is still in healing mode and will behave kindly and appropriately toward them. He is not being kind or appropriate to you.

YOU? You could not offer yourself as a dating partner at this time if you cannot tell what is kind behavior and what is not kind behavior yet.

Your past experiences are still affecting your willingness and ability to build trust and particiapte in healthy dating today. You could not date until you have fully healed from the past and are more ready to take that risk of building trust with a new person. Without ghosts of the past hanging on you. Do your interpersonal work before moving on to interpersonal work. Don't skip it. You become easy prey.

I'm not trying to be insulting when I say that -- just saying that you are not at your best healths right now so you could be really careful. Some people are predators.

Could seek post-abuse counseling and "healthy dating class" to help you heal.

BF ISSUE

He is behaving inappropriately.

Him "setting you up?" That's not loving, kind behavior to do to anyone... much less to a person who is recovering from past abuse experiences! That's taking advantage of a person and messing with their heads. I don't see how him playing mind games with you is supposed to INSPIRE trust building!

You deserve to be treated well in relationship and he is treating you poorly. YOU break up with him!

When ready for healthy dating, you could find a BF that doesn't play mind games and helps create supportive environment for you to become more willing and able to build trust with him. This one is creating environment that does NOT help you become more willing to build trust. He's ADDING to your issues, not helping to TAKE AWAY. He is not trustworthy.

He could be setting you up to get used to more blame shifting in future.
  • He does a poor behavior (mind games, take advantage)
  • You are upset with his poor behavior. (And rightly so. Nobody likes getting played.)
  • Now he says YOU have to hang on a string while he's away while he thinks about if "he breaks up with your or not?" (punishment for feeling upset at his poor behavior).
  • "Even though he loves you." When just two seconds ago it was "enough is enough?" His word is shifty! (blame shift + guilt trippage -- he loves you, waaaaah.... don't you love him? Don't you want to accept poor behavior to prove your love for him? )

He sounds weird and bad company for your healing time.

You could say "No, thanks. You were right the first time. We are broken up."

You deserve to be treated well in relationship, not treated with a mess of shenanigans. Love does not have to be "proven." Trust does. He's not showing himself as trustworthy when he plays mind games. You could show yourself appropriate care by getting you out of this unhealthy relationship dynamic.

Quote:
and he said temporarily we're back together but he is going to think about everything and tell me the final outcome Thursday when he gets back. He told me he still loves me tho..What should I do??
You could do lots of things.
  • You could stop using "should" and change it to "could"
  • You could recognize that he's treating you poorly.
  • You could recognize that it is not loving behavior when his actions behaviors are "I play mind games, create emotional hoohas, and then leave you hanging"
  • You could recognize that when his less than loving actions do not match his "I love you" words? His words are lying.
  • You could ask yourself if you are willing to stay where you are treated poorly and where you are not actually loved.
  • You could answer "Nope. Not willing to stay where I am treated poorly and am not actually loved."
  • You could break up with him and be free of his shenanigans today. Could not wait for him to come back to tell you where HIS willingness lies. You have your OWN willingness.

Up to you how you choose. Choose well.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-07-2014 at 04:33 PM.
  #5  
Old 02-07-2014, 03:41 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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OP you need to seek counseling and forget about being in a relationship until you get your trust issues under control.
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  #6  
Old 02-07-2014, 03:56 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
OP you need to seek counseling and forget about being in a relationship until you get your trust issues under control.
I agree with this. If my new partner rummaged through my things and made false allegations they would be out the door. Sends huge red flags of super crazy shit to come.
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  #7  
Old 02-07-2014, 03:42 PM
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SouthernGal SouthernGal is offline
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When you have a history of abuse and haven't fully healed from it yet, you are easy to spot by predators or people who are willing to take advantage if another person. Trust me, I know from first hand experience. Gas-lighting you, setting you up with a situation anyone would find suspucious, then blaming you is textbook behavior for someine setting you up to be controled and/or abused again. Please think about that and rescue yourself. Go to friends and family who love you and will help you heal rather than try to tske advantage if your weakened state. I promise you deserve better. At best, your bf is being a jerk and takung your emotional health too lightly. If he is just a dumbass, let the break up stand as it is now, finish healing, and then see if you want to give him another shot when you are coming from a position of strength and he will be glad. But on the outside looking in, he's grooming you to be an abuse victim again.
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  #8  
Old 02-07-2014, 03:46 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Quote:
If he is just a dumbass, let the break up stand as it is now, finish healing, and then see if you want to give him another shot when you are coming from a position of strength and he will be glad.
I agree with dumping the dumbass.

I do not agree with giving him another shot in future. That might serve him well and make him glad, but it is not OP's job to make him glad. It is OP's job to create happiness for OP.

To help create happiness for self, OP could make it a personal policy to not date dumbasses again once they reveal their dumbass-ness the first time. Why go back for more of "known dumbass person" rather than start fresh with a new person with better potential?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-07-2014 at 03:49 PM.
  #9  
Old 02-08-2014, 08:32 AM
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Myrrhine1 Myrrhine1 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MandyMeister View Post
Well turns out since I've been accusing him so much, he set me up.
WOAH! OP, this is not loving behavior. I'm going to go further than everyone else here... that's straight up abusive.

Quote:
He is going away to Florida tomorrow morning for three days and two nights (!!) and he said temporarily we're back together but he is going to think about everything and tell me the final outcome Thursday when he gets back. He told me he still loves me tho..What should I do??
Again, this is abusive. This is not loving, caring behavior, it's emotional blackmail. At the very least, it is extremely childish and not based in love and respect.

IMO, I don't think you should wait for him to decide. I think it's time to move on.

Additionally, extreme jealousy and obsession with cheating can put a huge strain on any relationship. I think you should talk with someone about this and get it worked out. Your health is important.
  #10  
Old 02-08-2014, 08:47 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Due to some inconsistencies in the OP's initial flurry of posts and some possible link spam in her signature (since deleted), I've done some Googling and found this exact post in Yahoo Answers from 6 years ago. Unless the OP has repetitively poor choice in partners and extraordinarily consistent spelling, punctuation, grammar and word choice, I'm going to assume this post was made in an effort to sound realistic enough that we would overlook the signature link.

Thank you all for attempting to help someone in distress, but it appears to be unwarranted.
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