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Old 02-02-2014, 05:28 AM
poobah123 poobah123 is offline
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Default Help! Poly gone wrong :( My Seemingly unsolvable problem.

I come here looking for advice mostly because other people would not be so understanding of the pitfalls or complexities of attempting to be poly. It has been 3 years since my story started and we serve as a very good example of how not to enter into and experience a poly relationship.

I have reached a breaking point where I need to make decisions in my life that will most likely require the complete overhaul of my life as I know it today.

My wife and I have been involved with another couple for close to 4 years. At this moment we are all back to being friends. It started with me having an emotional affair then she got on board with poly and off we went. Many ups and downs. I have struggled quite a lot. I am now at the point where my wife is asking me to remove my OSO from my life. Yes, she is willing to remove her OSO from her life as well.

Why? My wife has a hatred for my OSO. Now the two of them are totally different women. One intro-verted (wife) the other an extrovert. So naturally there would be some friction. Mistakes were made on both their parts. However none which I would deem worthy of such a hatred. In fact she has admitted to me that she has pretty much faked being friendly to her for 3 years!

Being the one stuck in the middle I have become increasingly frustrated to the point I don't want either of them in my life. Being single or anything else is far better than this emotional turmoil (push/pull) I have been going through. The problem is we have 3 children. My OSO has become my best friend..rather my only friend (hard making friends as a parent). Heck even my mother likes her. I am not sure erasing her from my life is something I could even do even if I tried. It would literally also break her heart. To my OSO I am the guy she was always looking for. She settled for a "nice" guy but then this. I am fairly certain that if I were to disappear it would ultimately mean the end of her marriage as well. I just don't see them working anything out.

Also for me, this experience has shown me what it would have been like had a chosen a more compatible life partner. I was young (18, married at 24) and we were both insecure children to be honest. It exposed many of the things that were missing in my life. In addition, my wife's behavior the past 3 years has really pushed me emotionally further away.

So this sums it up without going into a book of history. I just started seeing a therapist to help me make whatever decision I need to make to be happy. I've just been so unhappy I don't deserve this. I am a good person and father. Good husband? Outside my emotional affair my wife agrees I have bent over backwards to be a good husband.

I am very sad it's come to this. I do not see any solution to my problem other than removing myself from it entirely (divorce, whatever is required). I have accepted the fact there is no "right" answer. Only poor, good or better ones.

I would be interested in hearing anyones suggestions if you read this far. If you did I wholeheartedly appreciate you reading this. If you reply, well, I will toast to you every new years till my end! If you don't do either, you should. You may learn something.

Thank You for listening.
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Old 02-02-2014, 06:14 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Hatred. Sounds familiar. Maca hated GG with a vengeance. He was ready to kill him-quite literally.
That was... 12 years ago.
Today he has a patience tolerance for him.
It is very unlikely they will ever be "close".

But-we live together and we have a happy family for the most part.

The biggest single thing that made a difference was HIS decision that he needed to let go of his animosity if HE wanted to be happy.
If that hadn't happened, I don't think we would have been able to create a happy dynamic.
It took... Until 2 years ago for him to make that choice.
In the meantime (10yrs) GG and I sucked it up.

No real advice. But I empathize.
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Old 02-02-2014, 06:14 AM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is online now
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I think at this point since you've been given an ultimatum you pretty much have to decide who do you want to be with more. If you leave your OSO because your wife demands it will your marriage survive? I know I'd have a hard time forgiving someone for causing me to make the choice, id be very bitter and resentful
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Old 02-02-2014, 07:08 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by poobah123 View Post
... my wife is asking me to remove my OSO from my life. Yes, she is willing to remove her OSO from her life as well.
This attitude really annoys me. It focuses purely on the feelings of you and your wife and completely disregards the fact that she's asking you not only to do something that will negatively affect you and your OSO, but is offering to cause the same heartbreak to her OSO—who is completely uninvolved in the drama and has done nothing to deserve it—in some kind of arse-backwards attempt at fairness. It treats your OSOs as disposable things rather than as people.
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Old 02-02-2014, 07:38 AM
london london is offline
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It seems that your wife was never okay with you being poly and now she feels she has to do something extreme to make herself happy, similarly to you're considering now. Was this always above board or was there cheating at some point? If there was cheating, is completely reasonable and understandable why your wife wouldn't want the person you cheated with anywhere near your family and why she would feel rather hostile towards them. Only someone incredibly selfish and toxic wouldn't.

But anyway, it seems like she has reached the end of the road and you both have tough decisions to make. I would stay in situations that make me the happiest. It seems your OSO is the one who does that.
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Old 02-02-2014, 10:24 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Woah, wait a sec....you wrote 'your wife is willing to let go of her OSO'? So she has not done it yet? Wait she doing, waiting for you to dump yours before she dumps hers? Is she still seeing him, talking to him, sleeping with him all the while waiting to drop him cold as soon as you drop yours?

She sounds like a cold hearted bi-atch sorry, is that the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Someone so callous?

Yikes!
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Old 02-02-2014, 03:24 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
Woah, wait a sec....you wrote 'your wife is willing to let go of her OSO'? So she has not done it yet? Wait she doing, waiting for you to dump yours before she dumps hers? Is she still seeing him, talking to him, sleeping with him all the while waiting to drop him cold as soon as you drop yours?

She sounds like a cold hearted bi-atch sorry, is that the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Someone so callous?

Yikes!
I agree... If my husband Butch came at me with this ultimatium he would be the one being dumped.
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Old 02-02-2014, 07:23 PM
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(as a rule of thumb, anyone who gives me a "them or me" ultimatum, whether they are family, friend, lover or employer-is the one I write off.)
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Old 02-07-2014, 07:19 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
I agree... If my husband Butch came at me with this ultimatium he would be the one being dumped.
Yep.. as a rule, i don't do ultimatums well.. I tend to resent the one throwing it at me..

For the record, just because the sentence stood out to me.. introverts and extroverts don't naturally live at odds. They can be quite harmonious actually. I am in a quad with 1 introvert, 1 ambivert and 2 extroverts. We get along quite well respecting our differences.
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Old 02-04-2014, 11:21 PM
Squashking Squashking is offline
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Poobah, sorry to hear about your struggles.

In many ways I understand exactly what you are going through. Quads are complicated that way and in my experience (my wife and I are in a quad with another couple), relationships between metamours I find to be extra challenging. I guess I find them to evoke more far more emotion such as anger when encountering challenges.

The push-pull you are feeling is something I have definitely had to deal with many times. If you try to avoid being caught between them you get accused of not being supportive. You walk a fine line with a tons of broken egg shells behind you.

But here's the thing... in the moment it's easy to say "i'm done! I can't do this anymore". But what tends to stop you from making that decision is what you lose. It's only once you calm down you realize it. I heard that statement before, heck I have even said it myself. But no one in our quad can bring themselves to announce it because deep down everyone deeply loves each other. Most of the time a short break is all you need. You have been together for 3 years... despite the ups and downs there is probably a lot of love there.

What I find the best to do is to focus on my wife and allow her the time/space to vent (not an easy task :-)). I try to hold back my opinions and listen. Then as she calms down I can slowly introduce my thoughts to the situation to defuse the issue. And oh ya... I don't speak ill about ANYONE cause that always comes full circle somehow :-).

I don't quite relate to some comments here... when problems escalate and anger and hurt feelings arise, a lot of shitty things get said such as threats, ultimatums, boundaries, etc... I only consider these comments serious when people are calm and have had the time to consider their wants/needs.

Sounds to me the girls may need a weekend away to reconnect.

~S
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